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1886897 tn?1328331136

Sobriety is Scary

My name is Jim and I am an alcoholic; my last drink was 45 days ago.

I started this post hoping that this would give some of us a chance to share our feelings, fears, experiances, and support mechanisms.

I, for one, am not comfortable in groups of people (sharing my feelings or not), so I was hoping this might give me (and others like me) both an emotional outlet as well as a forum that doesn’t take me too far out of my comfort zone.
110 Responses
Avatar universal
Hey phsycodog,

I'd be happy to keep touch. We've all made our mistakes but the fact we are given this opportunity to change can't be all bad. Have a good night and congrats on another day.

Fides_et_Specs
Avatar universal
Hey phsycodog,

Congrats on 45 days, I'm not that far behind you. I suffer from depression, anxiety and depersonalization which can be pretty scary. I know you are probably scared too getting sober is not an easy thing to do. But you're doing the right thing by reaching out it helps. I know going to group meetings is uncomfortable, a lot of times I feel like I'm going to have a full blown panic attack, but sometimes, I believe, you have to accept the situation and step out of your comfort zone to help recovery. Keep reaching out both here and in groups. Remeber take it a day at a time. Take care.
553995 tn?1332022440
Hi I'm GG and I'm an Alcoholic. I've been blessed with 17 years sobriety and thank God I was for now I know I'd be dead.
Thank you for starting this thread.
In my 17 years I faced some of the hardest times of my life from chronic undiagnosable illness to chronic pain, depression, anxiety, yes I detached from people, sort of depersonalized due to my feeling alone, a defense mechanism. Very suicidal but my fear and faith kept me alive despite my brain lying to me I'd be better off dead. I'm a social person who is a cynic.
That keeps me safe. Essentially, I am fragile and an addict who has battled to find her true self despite what she was taught to be.
Authenticity is what I believe to my core is important. Being authentically true to myself is what I needed to be in order to survive, addiction, illness and the ignorance of others.
thanks for being here.
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
i'm an alcoholic/addict...approaching 28 years of clean time 11-22.i love not having hangovers,blackouts,misspent $$$,so-called friends who leave when ur out of drugs....i love remembering what i did the nite b4.....yes sobriety is scary...but i have re-channeled my mind to the benefits of a a sober/clean life...and get out my mental broom and dustpan and chase the bad moods and ghosts if they come a knocking at my brains door!
553995 tn?1332022440
What I don't miss is the constant obcession with my next drink and maintaining a buzz. The rationalizing why I should drink, the blame game. What is wrong with everyone else thing. I stopped that when I heard the saying "when you point your finger at people, three are pointing back".  
My problems with people....is me.
All I went through, I could not if I was drinking.  Drinking is not an option for us.


Hi, Ibi!!
1886897 tn?1328331136
Thank you all for your replies. This is all very new to me and very alien; for the last 20+ years I drank everyday until I passed out, started with beer until I destroyed my stomach, then switched to somthing easier, Rum.

I can't tell you how many things I've screwed up over the years (marrige, realationships, jobs, money, health, bodily harm), but I am sure you can imagine.

I hope we can keep this dialoge up, and maybe, if it's not too much of a burden, I can unload some baggage over time...

Fides_et_Specs, I'd like to keep in touch to see how the fight is going since we are so close to our battle time wise.

Phtartist & ibizan, maybe you could stay in touch to give us advise and keep us going in the right direction?

phsycodog
495284 tn?1333897642
All i had to look forward to was death had i continued drinking.  My body was shutting down.  I was constantly at war in my head and was drinking whiskey every single day.  My relationships with family members was non existant as they saw what was going on with me and would call me out on it, i knew they were right so i just stayed away and drank more.  I thought numbing my pain was easier than really dealing with my issues.   My grandson was born in this period and i was never allowed to have him as i thought i was just fine, the rest of the world was F'd up.  After i sobered up my drug abuse really kicked in, all i had done was traded one addiction for another.  April 2008 i put the drugs down and decided once again i was not going to live much longer if i continued.  I had had enough and it was time to find me as i never really knew who i was before.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and took chances.  Using was only a symptom of what was really going on.  There is pain dealing with our demons but they are nothing compared to the pain we deal with while using.  As one person said once you surrender the war is over.  Take baby steps, focus on the journey, not the destination.  Congrats on wanting to get your life back.  It is the greatest thing you can give yourself~~~sara
999891 tn?1407279676
I drank every day for many years, in the early days it was ok. I would meet friends for a few beers, go to sporting events and a few beers after, go for a meal and a few beers after, everything we did involved drinking. Over the years I started drinking more and more. I was aware that I was drinking more than my friends and I was drinking my drinks faster than they were. I then started to have a few drinks before I would meet my friends. I drank to get drunk, my friends did not so gradually we drifted apart. I enjoyed the company of people like me, people who just wanted to get that buzz that you get when you first start drinking. I spent years chancing that buzz, drinking more and more but never finding it.I started to have blackouts, they became a  daily Occurrence.
I started drinking at home, within a very short time I was fearful to leave the house, I became permanently depressed and paranoid, my thoughts were racing, I was on a roller-coaster. I could not sleep so I started taking cough mixture to try to help with sleeping. If I did not have drink near me I would panic, I would go into the horrors. I was admitted for detox a few times but I would drink after leaving the hospital and it would not be long before I was back to square one.
In 2002 I was again admitted to hospital. This time I had medical problems as well as the mental & emotional issues. I was in for just over two months, I started going to AA. I went to an inpatient treatment centre for 28 days but it was AA that has helped me to keep me sober.
Now my worst day sober beats my best day drunk. I fear what would happen if I were to pick up just one drink.
553995 tn?1332022440
Powerful powerful words Sara and rod!
I find it interesting that no matter what a fellow alcoholic shares, I can identify with many parts of their story.
I started drinking seriously in my 20's. Being raised in a heavy handed strict home and I was a very sensitive person, afraid of everything, I did everything by the book. Even then I was considered naughty. Punishment was severe in my home growing up so I learned to lie and justify. Here lies the foundation for the perfectly trained alcoholic.
Long story short, I Always drank to get drunk but always had a reason to drink and was good at hiding it. (I thought)  Early on I cooked with wine and the Graham Kerr recipes called for wine for the dish and wine for me. (he is a fellow recovery person celeb now lol).
From my abusive marriage to being a single Mom I can list all the reasons why I drank but none of them were true.
I drank because #1 I am an alcoholic, #2 I am constitutionally unprepared to deal with life on life's terms.
It took me four tries of months sober and then relapse for me to try an out patient program. When it was done, I drank. I met my now husband who was an alcoholic (I had no idea) and we had drunked bliss for more years to come. We married and I didn't like after a while the family dynamics of two drunk parents and two great kids. The kids were away with Dad most weekends but there was carting back and forth and even with being a drunk, I  had one rule "don't drink and drive". This put a cramp in my drinking lol.
I was finding work to be more difficult (teaching). I never drank on the job but hangovers are no fun with emotionally disturbed children as students.
I went into long term rehab.
I had been around AA, met some great people some not so great. That is people in general, not AA, the program of AA is great!! The twelve steps and traditions were written by a struggling alcoholic Bill and divine inspiration. If anyone does anything, read the Twelve steps, OMG!   watch The Bill Wilson story, movie!!!
I went back out.

I had never surrendered to a higher power :-/  did not get it at all!
I need to really get something in order to submit to it, to jump in both feet. What I did not realize it was not about giving in, it was about becoming aware, For Me.
I had not hit bottom, my bottom. I don't give up easy. To me hitting bottom was giving up. What I didn't realize was it was giving up my control of insanity.
Flash ahead....i cannot recollect details but there were horrible withdrawals, liver enzymes off, memory lapse, depression, anxiety and finally doctors and doctors. Everything was hard, work, family, life.

One day reluctantly, I shouted to God that I give in!!  
Weird, when the physical tightness wore off, I could breathe better, and my body was less clenched, I felt my mind was less complicated.

I noticed days later I had not had the obcession to drink that use to cause me difficulty breathing.
Through all the relationship stuff now, my devastating health mysteries, and all the crap life hands me, I have not had a drink.

I'd lie to you if I said that on day 90 of a migraine that I haven't thought of a scotch but with the strength and wisdom I have now from the words in the Twelve steps and the true friends I have from AA, my husband for one, I do not drink.

You need not ask for this thread to continue. It will take on its own life, watch, it will be a beautiful thing.

Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
i check this forum several times a day to see if my comments can shed some light......we do tend to the newcomers needs who seriously want help to stay sober/clean!i b watching for u!:)
495284 tn?1333897642
Losing my daughter in a nasty custody fight was the bottom for me until i learned there were trap doors to my bottom.  Little did i know then she had just gotten smarter than i had and she had to do what she did to save herself as i couldnt do that for her as i was way to sick to save anyone let alone myself.  Today my relationship has healed with her, i am finally her mom.  I have been blessed with another grandbaby and they are the loves of my life.  I dont have a pot to pee in due to my past behaviors but i also am the richest woman alive as i am sober/clean today, my family is back and that is all that matters.
495284 tn?1333897642
I see you are an animal lover.....You will fit in great with this bunch!
1886897 tn?1328331136
I am an animal lover (sometimes I think I like animals more than people); the reason I can't post until later is I have to take my physco (6 month old blue Blue Heeler named Zip) to doggie class.

A question for you to think of a good answer for me before my return this evening (it may be a rambling question, this is new to me):

I am committed to staying sober; is it normal for me to miss being drunk, not tipsy, but fall down, sloppy drunk? I miss alcohol. When I get frustrated with something I think, "man, a cocktail would be nice right about now".

Will this ever go away?
495284 tn?1333897642
Yes it is normal to feel this way.   We feel all alone and our best friend is our drink as it gives us a false sense of security.  This is why we "preach" recovery care so much.  I was scared to death to walk into that first meeting.  All i could think of was noone will understand as i am different.  I soon found out the only thing different was my name, the stories were the same, the pain was the same and the losses were the same.  One wise man told me early on to take the cotton out of my ears and put them in my mouth.  I listened to the ones who had gone before me and i still continue to do that to this day.  Recovery is a slow process so patience is something we have to learn.  We didnt get into this position overnight.  We have to change up our thinking, we change our playground and playmates and we do this one day at a time, taking baby steps.......

Umm we also share the same feelings about our pets and people!!!  lol
Welcome Zip to our family!!
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
yeegads a 6mos.old blue heeler pup!does he/she have anyone to herd/round up?that'll keep ya hoppin!or running in circles!yes it is very normal..i found...in the first year or 2 to miss the release the drink/drugs brought us......but euphoric recall only focuses on the escape and no responsibility to anyone/anything the drink gave us.....i missed it very much my first year...and that feeling has dissipated!and OH YES.....i do love the company of my greyhounds/cats much moreso than many humans...but i am choosy these days as to what humans i choose to b friends!recovery taught me that!about once a month for 15 minutes i miss smoking pot.....sometime i want to smoke a stogiejoint a foot long and several inches wide and say world go away and totally be in a brainfog......but i snap outta it and laugh at meself for what a juvenile fantasy that is....i proved a zillion times in the past that one of anything was too much and a 1000 was never enuf......so i had to retire meself from that chemical life of altered states!
1886897 tn?1328331136
I'm Baaaccckk...

Here's what I think I know...

Yesterday way only 45 days, today is 46, tomorrow will be 47, then 48, 49, 50, and so on, and so on, and so on... of course I think about my good friend Captian Morgan, he's the only one I've thought about for the last 20+ years; I'll have some good days & some bad days (today just happens to be good), hopefully more good than bad; this may seem like a no sh** moment to those of you that have been doing this for a while, but for me it's a revalation.

I was having a pretty rough time last night, I finally crashed out of sheer merciful mental exhuastion.

I woke up this morning with my dog cuddled up next to me in bed & decided I was overthinking it. I spent the day with my best friend (I don't have many people friends) at the range shooting trap (for those of you not familiar with trap, they are clay projectiles, I'm not shotting animals), and geuss whatt?!? I didn't think about alchohol all day!

Many thanks to all for your concern, hopefully my mood stays this way at a minimum for the rest of the evening...
495284 tn?1333897642
Your triumphs are our triumphs too.  We are all just one drink away from relapse so we always have to keep our guard up no matter how much time we have.

There is nothing like going out and shooting something up(not humans or animals!).  I love trap shooting.  My daddy taught me how to use a gun!!!  lol
1886897 tn?1328331136
Day 47

Unfortunatly I spent most of the day in bed feeling sorry for myself; I geuss I'll have to get used to the fact that for no particular reason, sometimes you just have bad days.

The good news is, I am still committed to staying sober (as long as I can).

Because I know it is better, even if I don't know why it is better, yet, but I know, I will know, why it is better, when I know. If that makes any sense. Oddly enough, it makes perfect sense to me (maybe that's what years of drugs and alcohol does to your brain?).
495284 tn?1333897642
Everyone has bad days, we just have to be on our toes more.

I did understand your last paragraph and yes you will know when you know!

No laying in bed feeling sorry for yourself anymore...

Congrats on another day sober!  That is a great achievement~~sara  
1886897 tn?1328331136
Day 49

I wrote in my jounal, figured if anyone wanted to wallow in my self pity they could take a look there.

I've been having a rough couple of days, I knew this wasn't going to be easy, I just didn't know it was going to be so hard.

Someone snap me out of this.
Avatar universal
Are you going to any AA meetings or gotten a sponsor?
495284 tn?1333897642
I just commented on your journal.  I find your honesty very refreshing.  Your feelings are very normal right now but what do we really get out of our pity parties?  Time to stand up and fight for you.  You are worth it.  You said you are doing this for your family but i have a feeling you are doing this for you as you said you are committed to this and have hope.  That is a huge plus.  There will come a time when you look in the mirror and like the person looking back at you.  You have many things in your life to be grateful for, your sobriety for one........You are on day 49, an awesome achievement.  Be proud of that.  You are doing the hard work here!!  Any thoughts to recovery care yet??????
1886897 tn?1328331136
No, I am not going to meetings, nor have I gotten  a sponser, both appear to be pretty good ideas at this juncture. I have no reason not to be honest, I have aknowledged some of the worst in me, why hide anything at this point.

It should be painfully obvious that I am genuinely confused, I can't say I even know the proper context recovery care should be used in.
495284 tn?1333897642
Your honesty is the reason i think you are doing this for you and that is a good thing.  I know you are confused, this is a whole new thing for you.  Everything is different, foreign and scary.  I would really recommend some sort of recovery care.  It helps us sort out all the confusion we have in our life.  Talking here like you are is a good start.  Just keep hanging in there~~sara
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495284 tn?1333897642
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