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1886897 tn?1328327536

Sobriety isn't so scary

Day 105

105 days ago I thought sobriety was scary. Scratch that. I thought sobriety was terrifying; that's a little better, I'd like something stronger, but short of expletives, nothing comes to mind.

Why was I afraid? Because I didn't know what to expect. How could I? for the better part of the last 25+ years I had been drunk. And I don't mean a little drunk, tipsy or something, I mean fall down, sloppy, pass out, wet yourself drunk. You know how hard it is to explain rug burns on your forehead to work the next day?

What's scary to me now is, well drunk. I never want a drop of alcohol again. Ever. Oh, sure there are moments, late at night for example, that I think, "man, it sure would be nice to knock a few back, you know, just to help me sleep." But I know I can't. I do believe that all things are (or can be) good in moderation, I don't think alcohol is inherently evil, the problem is me. For me there is no such thing as moderation. It's all or nothin'.

I could say alcohol wrecked my life, but that wouldn't be true. Alcohol can't do it alone. It need's to have an active participant, a partner if you will. That participant was me.

The amount of damage and misery I've caused along the way is shameful.

My family- I have a wonderful family; they have, and continue to, always be there for me. Any man that has a family like mine should consider themself lucky. Yet for the last 25+/- years I've embarresed them, worried them, financially drained them.

My career- I start a new job on Monday, at a company I want to work for, in the position I want; the position didn't exsist, they are actually creating it around me. How cool is that? My former job...great job, great position, exactly what I wanted to be doing, excellent money (way more than I could ever dreamed of making), bonus every year, that, if I met my goal, which I never once failed to do, was equal to 20% of my salary, four miles from my house, good benefits (heck, I got over 5 weeks of vacation); and, although I didn't think so at the time, in retrospect, me & the Captian shared the blame for my termination.

Relationships- Or one in particular; I was involved with a woman that was the love of my life. I was crazy in love with her. Head over heels in love. I thoght the sun and moon rose and set because of her. She treated me so well, took me exotic places, exposed me to culture, broadened my horizens, all and all made me a better person. She asked me to quit drinking so much. begged me. tried, over an over and over again and again. Did I? Nope. I'd try, a little. I'd pretend I was trying. We'd fight. I'd apologize, We'd fight again, I'd apologize. 13 years we were in this relationship, she finally had it, and walked away. I don't blame her, she should have done it sooner, much, much sooner. The amount of sheer misery I causer her alone is unforgivable. We still talk a couple of times a year, I will never forgive myself.

I geuss my point was, I'm getting my life back together, I'm glad to be sober, and I am finally at a point that I am doing it for me.
11 Responses
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1886897 tn?1328327536
Actually, my elevator's busted; you'll have to take the stairs.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
You forgot the elevator doesnt go all the way to the top!
Helpful - 0
1886897 tn?1328327536
You know, I'm not Brie de Meaux from Renard Gillard, but nor am I Veveeta, brightest bulb in the house, first to be picked for your dodgeball team, but also not the last, last raison in the box, last card in the deck, best wine in the cellar, the china you only use on holidays, I lay in bed at night thinking about these things. If anybody wants to know if sobriety has any side effects, yes it does, you have way more time to think than when you were a fall down drunk; should be good for most people, me? The court is not in session...
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
I might be a few fries short of a happy meal myself but here we are today, clean and sober.  It really doesnt get any better than that~~~sara
Helpful - 0
1886897 tn?1328327536
I never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I do know a thing or two about a thing or two; plus, if you beat your head against the wall long enough, eventually you'll realize it hurts
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
U r wise to focus on ur recovery and avoid relationships......they are within themselves complicated and do require 2 healthy parties 2 b successful!Maybe someday things may be different..in the distant future....but not now!Smart man!:)
Helpful - 0
1886897 tn?1328327536
Okay, let's just say I'm taking a sabatical from getting into any meaningful relationship’s for the foreseeable future; she is the kindest, generous, most caring, loving, giving person I have ever met. My actions were unforgivable. To put myself in a position to be able to do that to someone, anyone, again, ever, doesn't seem fair to me. Acually it seems quite selfish. I may not be the worst choice out ther, but I'm not exactly the catch of the day either.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
in my early recovery the shame and guilt over many things i had done came back to haunt me as the fog cleared.The saying time is the healer is so true....it takes QUITE some time to come to terms w/it all.....and place it on the shelf where it belongs......never 4 gotten but a memory of what i could go back too...if i but take that deadly first ONE!
Helpful - 0
1886897 tn?1328327536
Day 106

You've both been wonderfully supportive, and that is not forgotten.

There is much, much more to my story, I just thought I'd hit some of the high points, or low points, depending on how you look at it.

I didn't even include the monumental amount of physical trauma I've inflicted on myself. I'm not talking just cuts and bruises, I'm more like broken bones, stitches, black eyes, even two emergency brain surgeries, now that was three months of my life I would like to have skipped.

I also may or may not have inflicted some physical trauma on others, strangers, but of course I never started any fights, I don't think.

As for relationships with the fairer sex, not to be a marytr, but I think I've done enough damage. We'll let some other fella's take a go at it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
its just a better option!and who knows?maybe u and ladyfriend can put it back 2 gether!time will tell......stranger things have happened!:)keep the sobriety train a rollin!
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
I am simply in awe reading this~~

Congrats on 105 days!!!
Helpful - 0
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