When will I stop hating him?

[seeker2345]

Will it happen? Just tell me now.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 amazing kids.  I fell in love with him immediately.  He is kind, caring, helpful, sensitive, supportive, great looking and he had drive & ambition.  We have always had a relationship of understanding.  

We were both social drinkers who drank within reason.  I always considered him the one with more restraint.  He always showed restraint and I was always the silly one, but we were fun.  Neither of us come from abusive drinking families.

OK -- or so I thought.  In January, his drinking swirled way out of control and was preceded by an addiction to perscription pain pills.  The pain was real & the pills were necessary, but became a serious addiction complete with pain patch and an unlimited supply of prescription percoset.  He owned his own business & when the economy tanked, his clients slowly ran out of money & he stopped paying our bills.  I had no idea.  I thought it was horrific at the time, but the best thing that ever happened to us was that our insurance was canceled due to non-payment.  He could no longer see the pain doctor, no longer longer get the percoset.

But that's when the drinking picked up.  He now drinks straight vodka out of the bottle.  It's a loooong story (aren't they all?) but the bottom line is that he hit a sort of rock bottom in July and ended up in AA.  He stayed with the program for about 40 days, got a sponsor and then stopped going & has continued to secretly drink off and on since then.  Every time I figure it out, we go through the same vicious cycle of an argument & he stops drinking for xx # of days and then I'm sure the cycle we re-start.

But through all of that, we are really tearing down our relationship.  I am mad.  I see a once emotionally strong and grounded man with all of the potential in the world, acting like a spoiled child who sneaks around and lies ALL THE TIME.  The lying is killing me! I hate to have to think like the enemy 24/7.  I don't trust him.  And slowly but surely, every time this drinking thing starts up again, it puts another kink in our relationship.  I don't want to see him.  I don't like him.  I don't want to be around him.  The habits that were once just mildly annoying now grate on my last nerve.  I swear, if he wasn't my husband, I wouldn't spend time with the person he has become.

But what confuses it all THE MOST, is that when he's not drinking, he's GREAT! You couldn't ask for a better Dad or a nicer person.  Thank the good Lord that we have managed to hide most of this from the children.  I still want the kids to have a good childhood and memories & so does he.

And then also, the more times he "falls off the wagon" the longer it takes for me to forgive him.  And when I say "fall off the wagon, we're not talking about a small incident.  We are now talking about falling off the wagon and getting run over it 3 or 4 times.  He spends money we don't have on liquor (food money).  He drives while drinking.  He tries to meet with clients of which we cannot afford to lose! Just dumb stuff.

So every time he does this, I move further and further away from him.  I have begun a defensive position.  I resumed my career and with the help of my mom, we manage the children (and he does too if he's not drinking).  My career will help to get us out of the financial situation we are in (partially economy driven and partially drinking driven).  I don't believe anything he says.  Our careers are closely related and every time he opens his mouth to talk "work," I can't take it.  I don't have any faith in him anymore.

I am turning into a wife I do not like.  I don't want to have anything to do with him.  I lie to my kids all the time to cover his tracks.  I am impatient with the kids because I don't have any patience left after him.  Is this going to get better? What can I do inside myself to keep us all together until my husband gets a grip? What do I do if I find myself NOT wanting to deal with him anymore -- even in the good, sober times?

If you got all the way through this note, God bless you and your patience.  I really appreciate just being able to get it on paper.

[TTinKKerBBell]

First I must tell You that Your Children are much more aware of these issues than You realize
This I know is true !!

Secondly I will say the choice to drink or not drink is HIS and only His - but You ALSO have choice !!  The best advice I can give You is to tell Him that You have CHOSEN to live an alcohol free life and that if He wants to be with You and His Children He must quit drinking.  Give Him the choice:  "You can have me and the kids OR You can have alcohol.  As for MySelf and the Children I have decided that We will no longer tolerate alcohol in our lives"

This is the ONLY control You have.  
This (too) I know is true !!

[crowtor]

as long as he pays any bills keep him, but look for another partner on the side. When you find one drop this **** bag asap. Whether he gets better on not is non of your concern anymore. he betrayed you and everything that kept you together. Let him destroy himself.

you and your kids shouldn't be bothered by someone that wants to die and bring everyone around him down with him. You only have one life and thats it. Don't waste it on poop.

Written by a child of the nicest, GREAT, caring loving Alcoholic father. The scars remain forever.

If it were the Wild West I'd gun him down myself.

[therese83]

There is nothing you can do, it is out of your control, it is his problem.  This is very hard to accept when you love someone and you formerly worked as a team.  

Getting angry and giving him hassle may actually help him to justify his drinking, feel like he has paid for it.

You must detach your self from his drinking problem.  Al anon will help you, if you cant go read and re read their literature.

[ibizan]

so glad u found al-anon and it has brought u some clarity....continue to go and in time u will find the answers u seek and what u must do...and hopefully your wife will wake up and take responsibility for her alcohol problem...my xmas wish for u!:)

[confusedangry]

Hi-
I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I can relate since it sounds similar to mine. I've looked for answers to basic questions like "What do I do now?", "How do I get out of this situation?" and "When will this end?". I don't believe there are any easy answers when you have a commitment to your spouse, kids and the family you have built together. Although, I must admit that I often wonder what it would be like to pack the car and take off with the kids or even, alone. My wife is sick and needs help but she is not abusive so I choose to stay. For me, there have been three actions that have helped me cope so far.
Firstly, protecting the kids from has given me significant peace of mind since they are the most precious aspect of my life. Drunk driving is one of my biggest concerns.
I maintain my sanity by executing upon the mechanics of life. I make sure to do things like pay the bills, shop for groceries, work and even find fun activities for the family.
Lastly, I have only gone to a few Alanon meetings but they have helped me understand what is happening and lets me know I am not alone. For me the meetings were very powerful and the little books continue to help me stay focused.
I am hopeful you will find the peace and happiness you deserve. Please, post again and let us know how you are doing.
Charlie

[rod44]

Hi,
Sorry you are in this sad situtation....I would like to say it will get better but I because your husband at this time dose not want to stop drinking it will only get worse, unfortunately there is little you can do for him until such time as he gets honest with himself and accepts he is an alcoholic, that is the only way AA can work for him. ....
There is some thing you can do, you need help as well so i would suggest you try alanon....

Ray