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Avatar universal

Wife has taken new step into drinking

Ok, I thought I would post this here as most of the posts are old and just needed somewhere to talk.  My wife and I have been married for 15 years and she has drank alot during the whole time we have been married, but never to the length of what it has become recently.

She only drinks wine and beer, but will never stop at just one drink, if the wine bottle opens the first glass will be a normal 8oz then the next is double, and the next the whole glass ( and this is not a small wine glass) until the bottle is gone.  Beer is the same way, open one drink it, then the next time its 2 beers in one big glass, until its 7 - 8 in one sitting.
lately she has been buying 2 32oz beers on friday and drinking between the time she gets home 3pm and the time I get home 5- 5:30 then drinking 2 or 3 more.  The reason I know what she has been doing is we have 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter who go with her everywhere, they tell me what she buys.

Over the last 2 weeks she has slowed down on the beer and wine, and she started carrying around a big jug called a "bubba keg"  which hold almost 40 oz of liquid, she said she is trying to start drink more water and less soda, and she has clear liquid with ice in it.

Well I should have known that it was not just water, last night night I was looking for some cables in my wifes and my closet and found hidden, two vokda bottle, one empty and the other half empty.  So this is her drinking more "water" it really scares me as this is a new step into drinking as she never touched hard liquor before.  I don't know what to do.  
Thanks for listen
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Avatar universal
I've been shaking my head reading this---I was & am in your wife's shoes----She knows she has a problem by now-if she is hiding it-- Have you ever sat down--without being judmental---Just listen---remember ---what,where ,when & why--I still can,t talk to my husband toroughly about how it started & why--to him it's all in my head--I'm the one that decided to go to detox for a week---The ppl there were great---No one judged me  also remember her body will crave it---If my hubby pisses me off -the craving is high---I do still go on binges (usually beer) about every 3-4 weeks (p.m.s) & only 6 beers ( no excuses) compared to a 24 daily.---Something happened in her life to make alcool a cheap way to kill the pain. & easy to get------I always need Clamato in the fridge when I don't drink---(a new addiction) kind of feels like a drink--another good one for me is *tropicana banana,strawberry & pineapple juice* makes it feel like a tropical drink  --You wife is most likely depressed-& if your like my hubby don't understand what got her there--Alcool is her best friend. Your kids will need their mom & she will understand that. By the way she knows she needs help & is TERRIFIED to ask for it--or seek it. I was too--I put myself in 3 times (average) but I was so scared, so afraid of ppl I know seeing me there.& the majority of the time I`m the one that feels that my only way to stop is if my hubby was not in my way----right now I dare you to show this to your wife & see if she agrees with me---ALL I CAN SAY IS *IF OTHERS CAN DO IT SO CAN ME & YOUR WIFE* that was my saying when I gave birth to 3 beautiful kids--I just need my hubby to listen COMPLETELY-Don`t give up---You or your wife can private message me
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
i did send Emily a pm and asked her to help u delete ur account!she's very good about getting back 2 me!and should b contacting u!
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1667237 tn?1464300631
OK, thanks a lot

I followed some link few days ago, and selected "delete account", but nothing happened. You don`t have to contact anyone... I realized mood and sleep tracker could help me, so.... But thanks for offering your help...

Best of luck, and thanks again 4 everything...
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
No one makes us angry...no one sits atop us and forces an emotion on us...we choose it in our head!Best of luck to u....and try again to contact a moderator in getting ur account deleted!I will contact Emily who is a moderator who has helped me a great deal and ask for her to contact u to have ur account deleted!
Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
      Yes, maybe you stimulated my thoughts...or maybe I got impression you are trying to force me to do everything your way. But i couldn`t avoid the feeling you thought I`m complete failure with wrong point of views, and stuff like that. I don`t really know...
       If so, i agree partly. Maybe I`m failure because what I am/was doing to myself, but not considering others. I respect human rights and I`m trying not to be rude unless someone is rude to me or jeopardizing my rights...
      And if my behavior stay the same, I can and doesn`t have to change it. I don`t have to be long-term happy. It`s my own organism and I have a right to make my own decisions. It`s my opinion...
       I have tried to be polite to you the whole the time, and all of that, but I came to conclusion it`s pointless. I don`t want to offend anyone. But I`m doing so great and I won`t let anyone, even you, to ruin that.
       Maybe I`m unusual but I don`t mean I`m wrong. I`m an individual, like every person, and I have my own idea how to handle this situation. There is a tiny chance I know myself better then you and know how I am going to manipulate myself... You have explained me what i didn`t know and i`m grateful for that... In our discussion you made some really good points...
    I`ve read 12 steps few weeks ago. It`s a base for this whole process, but I`m modulating it a bit because I don`t agree with everything.

   And this is my post in which i`m trying to say goodbye politely. Every one of you seem like a good person, but I guess I can`t agree with you... And that`s all. Wish you all the best, and stay strong...

P.S. No one replied me on my request for deleting my account. But never mind, because I don`t feel a need to run away anymore. If you make me angry, I`ll just ignore you :)
      And, please, don`t try to change my opinion now. I would like to leave it on "you are OK, but I have different attitude", if it`s not a problem...

Best wishes....
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
it is physically impossible for me to have intercourse w/myself in the manner of which u mean!:)And u don't hafta like me....if i'm unintentionally irritating u then that means i've stimulated ur thoughts!I've been taught to take a searching and fearless moral inventory on a daily basis....several times a day if need be!then i can see if my attitude stinks...and if it does then my behavior does as well.One can be devoid of drinking or drug use,but if their behavior is the same...then its time to look in the mirror.
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495284 tn?1333894042
Here's a toast for you and i, "To our sobriety, thank God"~~~~
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1667237 tn?1464300631
I wanted to know then... But now i know. So... That`s the difference.

I am full of contradictions. That`s who I am. And if you have a problem with that, why are you talking with me at all? Ignore me.

     I don`t think no one understands me, but I think every person is individual and can`t relate to others completely.

    What the hell did I do to make you take a look at yourself?
    On the other hand, every person should be thinking about their attitude during the life. That`s how we spread our mind.
    And if i wanted to, i could make you question yourself because you do the same to me even if I said i want to be left alone... In my every little sentence you manage to find some flaw. I got impression you are trying to show me you are better then me and that I`m complete failure comparing to you. So, no offense, but f*ck off. I don`t like you anymore.

I am going to defend myself now. I`m in the mood. And I AM contradicting myself again... I would leave this subject to rest, but you obviously have something to say all the time. And I, obviously, always have an answer.

And can we put this discussion somewhere else if you have something else to say? I think this is not the place.
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
for someone who doesn't enjoy THIS type of discussion u have posted a zillion times discussing it!U r a cyber posting contradiction!there was a good program on PBS 2 weeks ago.......about the 12 steps of AA...and they were interviewing sober alcoholics who each have a different interpretation of how they work the steps..Each of them said when they were active in their addiction they had what is known as The King Baby Syndrome!"oh wahhhhhh no one understands me,the world revolves around me......don't u dare confront me and make me take a look at myself...i chuckled cuz i used to be King Baby...and sometimes in my head can go there...but i look at all the pain and problems in this world and my internal wahhhhhhhing is  so stupid if i died tomorrow the world would go on minus me.....maybe someday u will see ur own and correct what needs to be corrected!
Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
To:ibizan
       OK, thanks...

        Maybe it won`t work, but for now, I`m feeling great. I haven`t enjoy in music so much and now I`m so passionate about it.
        I`m anxious only at night, my parents have asked me if i would like to have a beer, I said no, and everything is just perfect...  I`m not worried or scared at all... It`s like I`m on LSD the whole time...
         I know I`m running away... That`s the way I do it. I think I should enjoy as much as I can now and I don`t enjoy this kind of discussions, and i see it as the waste of time.
    
To: all
      After all, this is not my, then somebody else`s(nitro`s) discussion... So, I don`t want to waste his space anymore...
      Best wishes to all of you...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm glad to see you've taken some steps to address ur alcohol issue....u have made some good points.....and so have we.....the BIG thing about recovery is ur fellow comrades can confront u when needed and u take it as constructive feedback and do not run......not a one of us here have done it alone...and in time u will see that will not work for u.A moderator should get back 2 u soon about deleting ur account!
Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
To:dominosarah
       Thanks, I really appreciate that...

      Surprisingly, I feel just fine doing it on my own. This few days were really amazing even without alcohol. That is why i didn`t want to talk to you. Too much thinking makes me depressed. And i don`t want to be depressed because then I won`t succeed in this.
___________________________________________________________________
To:ibizan
       i know he is talking about his wife, but he didn`t tell us what was happening in detail. And maybe she wants to get help.
        
         i "self pity" myself because i predict your reaction, and that`s my way of defending myself.
        
        Actually, I think i made some good points. And my personal experience can help someone to see what is like. Or my objective aspect...
        I`m not saying I`m right whole the time. But I believe viewing situation from different position can only help... And I have a right to express my opinion too.

      But I won`t. Because "arguing" with you is pointless, and it doesn`t help me at all. It fills me with negative energy. Your approach doesn`t suit me.  
      Anyways, I appreciate your honesty...
_________________________________________________________________
P.S. I sent request for deleting my account. When will that happen?  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
if someone wants to quit he should have the chance to do that...nitramo is talking about his wife not himself!when someone confronts u with the obvious or truth u begin w/the self pity or self deprecating statements which will keep u right where ur at.....its simple...someone who is still drinking or using drugs can't give another sound advice about their wife's alcohol problem!
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
Doing it your way got you here in the first place.  I rest my case.

Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
          OK, maybe i don`t have a right to talk... And I don`t want to bother anyone and I don`t want to argue, and because you have a problem with the fact i post comments, i won`t do it anymore at communities connected to addiction, if you want to. i will even delete my account as soon as I end up few discussion unrelated to this subject... Would that be OK?  
         As much as I can remember, we discussed my situation, and i`m grateful for your help, but if your plan is to f*ck me in the brain, it`s better I`m not here... I know you are trying to help, but I`m not asking for help anymore... I am going to succeed in this, but I`ll rather do it my way,,, And if i won`t succeed, I don`t care in the moment.
       And please do not give me more advices. I know all and all is up to me. I need to do it by myself.
      And feel free to judge me because i`m miserable and stupid and have this way of seeing this, because i don`t care anymore. I`ve had enough.  
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
Honesty is how we work around here.  If we are going to talk the talk we also have to walk the walk.  Denial is a big hurdle to get over.  Hopefully you will get there at some point.  An elderly man once told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth~~
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1667237 tn?1464300631
Because if someone has a chance/wants to quit, he should do that...
And I DON`T want to talk about it. After all, this is nitramro˙`s discussion...
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
reduction of the alcohol is good...but have u stopped the pot use?i wonder why u keep posting to nitro giving him advice when u seem unable to face your own problems....its like focusing on anothers problem while u don't tackle yours head on....easier to give advice than 2 follow it urself!
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1667237 tn?1464300631
     I don`t know if I should be honest here... But, I will.
     Long story shorted, I`ve reduced it. Today is my third day without alcohol. And I guess this time I`ll succeed to stop completely...
     But who knows? I can`t trust myself... I`m phlegmatic about it.
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495284 tn?1333894042
Have you stopped drinking?
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1667237 tn?1464300631
Is everything OK? You haven`t been here for a while...

Share your thoughts. I think nobody judges you, we are just trying to do our best to help you somehow... So that you don`t regret your decision later. We are showing you your situation from different perspectives...
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82861 tn?1333453911
Your wife sounds a great deal like my husband.  Over the course of our 25 years together, he worked up to over a case of beer a day and stayed there for over two years.  That on top of opiate abuse.  No matter how bad the news is on his liver function tests, he can't give it up alcohol completely and now resorts to binge drinking on the weekends and gives himself a gold star for not drinking a few days in between. I think the increased consumption sneaks up on the alcoholic every bit as much as it sneaks up on the rest of the family.  In my opinion, I don't think it matters much just when you realized her drinking became a problem for you.  The point is that you know it NOW and you know it's causing trouble for your entire family.

You definitely need support from people who have been in your position.  Try out some Al-anon meetings.  You don't have to speak but you may learn some things to help you cope.  Same for your kids - AlaTeen would be helpful for them to learn how to say NO to their mother when she wants to drive them somewhere while she's drunk.  Living with an alcoholic is all about learning how to set personal boundaries so that the alcoholic can cause less harm to the non-drinkers.  It's also about knowing what you can control vs. what you can't.  You can't control your wife's drinking.  She's the only one who can do that. There are other things you and the kids can to to keep your lives from spinning down the drain along with her.  Maybe that means leaving her.  Maybe it doesn't.  

You want to support her recovery but not her addiction.  That's a tough thing to do.  Of course she's going to resort to anger and arguments when confronted with her drinking!  That's been her manipulation technique for years to keep you off her back.  Oooh!  The scary drunk might get mad and throw a temper tantrum if you take away the car keys!  Big deal.  Better an argument than her being dead and maybe the kids along with her.  It's not always easy or even possible, but if you can, try to stick to your rules and above all stay calm when dealing with a drunk.  It's kind of like arguing with a 2-year-old.  If you engage in their form of logic, you'll lose every time.

Alcoholism and addiction don't come out of thin air.  Ask anyone with long-term sobriety and there's always a reason for it.  There's always something overwhelming in life that they tried to shut out with alcohol or drugs and they may not have even been aware of it at the time it all began.  Using drugs and/or alcohol works great in the short-term to stop those feelings and soothe anxiety but whatever the issue is, it always comes back with the hangover.  It's the psychological aspect that needs to be worked on even more than abstaining from the substance of abuse.  If your wife ever gets serious about sobriety she's going to need some therapy to be successful whether it's with a private therapist or with a group like AA - preferably both.  Ultimately, she has to be the one to do it.  

You and your children are going to need a lot of internal fortitude and outside support to get through this whether the marriage is salvageable or not.  Counseling can be tough.  We learn things about ourselves we don't always like to hear but if you stick with it your life will be a whole lot better and you won't feel so isolated.  I'm terrible about isolating myself and it's a huge struggle not to just sit here and watch my life drain away.  Please, for the love of God and your family, don't let that happen to you.
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1667237 tn?1464300631
     I got impression you are trying to put your kids in front of your wife. And that`s OK.

    What do you mean by your last sentence? You want to get out of marriage, like rpooo thinks, or you want to put some boundaries?

     i THINK you need to be some kind of support for her if you want to make this work. Like rpoo said: "Be thoughtful and sensitive to her feelings but also be firm about the drinking"
    Kids need their mother... And if there is any chance to have her, MAYBE you should try... But i don`t know. Although, you have a right to make you own decision...

      You are probably confused, but you have to know what you want. Take some(but not too much) time, because it`s hard decision and you could regret it. Do you want to  try to make your family functional, or you are just giving up on your wife? Again, MAYBE you should give her a chance. At least one. But, I don`t know...
       Think about it... Decide what are you going to do...
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1475202 tn?1536270977
Oh I was under the impression you still wanted to save your marriage. Is this not true? Are you wanting out of the marriage?

Randy
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