Aa
alcoholic
How do i get my 23 yo daughter to quit drinking!!!
What a terrible situation to be in. I feel for you.
Bottom line: Unless he decides to get help for his drinking there is nothing that you can do to force him into it. If he truly wants to quit then he needs to go into a detox/rehab program and that's final. There can be no other discussion about it. He's progressed far enough in his disease state that it's obvious he can't do this on his own. Few people can.
But he is presenting a clear and imminent danger to you, himself, and your children when he is drinking and that is something that you cannot tolerate. I know you love him and I know he's a good person... when he's not drinking. Those words have been echoed on these boards, in silent prayers, and in thoughts for years and years and years. It doesn't matter what he's like when he's not drinking. If he drinks enough that all of these problems are coming up then obviously the bad times far far far outweigh the good ones.
He needs inpatient rehab, counseling, AA, the whole 9 yards. And that has to happen now, NOW, NOW before he does something to really hurt himself or your family more.
This incident should serve as a wakeup call. Whether or not you choose to continue a life with him is up to you but you cannot be a part of his disease or involve your children in his disease any further than you have already.
When he gets out of the hospital he needs to go right back in for his detox and rehab. There's no other way around it. Call his doctor, speak it over with him. Involve his family, friends, etc. Let everyone know what is going on. Put them on notice. Until he has completed detox and some counseling you should not allow him to have any contact with your family. That's my advice.
Remember, addicts are very good at using guilt, manipulation, and lies to get what they want out of you. Don't fall victim to it. He'll rationalize, explain, and BS his way back into your life without exacting any change in his. Don't fall for it. It's for his own good as well as yours. I wish to god someone would have called BS on me for all of the things I pulled and weaseled my way out of.
When he's better he'll realize what you did was the right thing, even if it doesnt' seem that way to him now.
Bottom line: Unless he decides to get help for his drinking there is nothing that you can do to force him into it. If he truly wants to quit then he needs to go into a detox/rehab program and that's final. There can be no other discussion about it. He's progressed far enough in his disease state that it's obvious he can't do this on his own. Few people can.
But he is presenting a clear and imminent danger to you, himself, and your children when he is drinking and that is something that you cannot tolerate. I know you love him and I know he's a good person... when he's not drinking. Those words have been echoed on these boards, in silent prayers, and in thoughts for years and years and years. It doesn't matter what he's like when he's not drinking. If he drinks enough that all of these problems are coming up then obviously the bad times far far far outweigh the good ones.
He needs inpatient rehab, counseling, AA, the whole 9 yards. And that has to happen now, NOW, NOW before he does something to really hurt himself or your family more.
This incident should serve as a wakeup call. Whether or not you choose to continue a life with him is up to you but you cannot be a part of his disease or involve your children in his disease any further than you have already.
When he gets out of the hospital he needs to go right back in for his detox and rehab. There's no other way around it. Call his doctor, speak it over with him. Involve his family, friends, etc. Let everyone know what is going on. Put them on notice. Until he has completed detox and some counseling you should not allow him to have any contact with your family. That's my advice.
Remember, addicts are very good at using guilt, manipulation, and lies to get what they want out of you. Don't fall victim to it. He'll rationalize, explain, and BS his way back into your life without exacting any change in his. Don't fall for it. It's for his own good as well as yours. I wish to god someone would have called BS on me for all of the things I pulled and weaseled my way out of.
When he's better he'll realize what you did was the right thing, even if it doesnt' seem that way to him now.
Oh god i do not know where to start have never done this before.
my husband of 8 years and father to our 6 year old son and step father to my 20 and 16 year old.
Paul has always liked a drink and to be honest i think is classed as a functioning alcoholic. When paul is not drinking he is the most amazing thoughtful and caring person in the world. when he is drunk he is rude and will love an argument if there is one going around. i am not the sort to argue and never have been however i am not a pussycat.
He has been trying to stop drinking for the last 6 months but he was doing well and i stupidly agreed that perhaps he could drink when we were away in our touring caravan.
a month ago whilst drinking on a caravan site lots of people including my self where enjoying a few drinks and having a laugh.
long story cut short i saw husband stroking a womens face that we had been drinking with, i was a bit suspect of her as she was all over him. things got out of control he jumped in the car and drove through the campsite gate. arrested spent the night in a cell lost his licence and couldnt remember a thing about it. I took him back as i was in so much pain because i love him so much. My eldest daughter would not speak to me.
Then on friday gone my 16 year old daughter told me when he was smashed out of his face he tried to get into her bed asking for a cuddle she kicked him out onto the floor. i felt so sick from what she told me that i went mad at him when he arrived home from work at 4 he then lest crying saying i havent done anything and ended up in someones spare room he was found on sunday having slashed his wrists and taken tablets he is covered in burn marks but he has no recolection of any of this. and only drank one can of cider.
he is in hospital still and is in a mess.
my eldest daughter came round saying i was best rid of him etc etc.
I had to go to the hospital as i couldnt take it any more i spoke to him on the phone before and i could feel his pain
i just kept crying so much i thought my heart was going to burst out of me. I love him so much
I got back 2 hours ago and did tell my daughter i went and she went beserk and called me all the names and most are probably true. How can a mother not want to take away the cause of the upset for her children.
I know when paul is not drinking he is the best father husband and friend but he is pathetic when drinking.
Please help i have no idea what to do when he comes out of hospital at the end of the week.
Donna
my husband of 8 years and father to our 6 year old son and step father to my 20 and 16 year old.
Paul has always liked a drink and to be honest i think is classed as a functioning alcoholic. When paul is not drinking he is the most amazing thoughtful and caring person in the world. when he is drunk he is rude and will love an argument if there is one going around. i am not the sort to argue and never have been however i am not a pussycat.
He has been trying to stop drinking for the last 6 months but he was doing well and i stupidly agreed that perhaps he could drink when we were away in our touring caravan.
a month ago whilst drinking on a caravan site lots of people including my self where enjoying a few drinks and having a laugh.
long story cut short i saw husband stroking a womens face that we had been drinking with, i was a bit suspect of her as she was all over him. things got out of control he jumped in the car and drove through the campsite gate. arrested spent the night in a cell lost his licence and couldnt remember a thing about it. I took him back as i was in so much pain because i love him so much. My eldest daughter would not speak to me.
Then on friday gone my 16 year old daughter told me when he was smashed out of his face he tried to get into her bed asking for a cuddle she kicked him out onto the floor. i felt so sick from what she told me that i went mad at him when he arrived home from work at 4 he then lest crying saying i havent done anything and ended up in someones spare room he was found on sunday having slashed his wrists and taken tablets he is covered in burn marks but he has no recolection of any of this. and only drank one can of cider.
he is in hospital still and is in a mess.
my eldest daughter came round saying i was best rid of him etc etc.
I had to go to the hospital as i couldnt take it any more i spoke to him on the phone before and i could feel his pain
i just kept crying so much i thought my heart was going to burst out of me. I love him so much
I got back 2 hours ago and did tell my daughter i went and she went beserk and called me all the names and most are probably true. How can a mother not want to take away the cause of the upset for her children.
I know when paul is not drinking he is the best father husband and friend but he is pathetic when drinking.
Please help i have no idea what to do when he comes out of hospital at the end of the week.
Donna
Just to add something constructive from what I've learned by being in al-anon: Nothing will stop an alcoholic except themselves, when alcohol finally kicks their butt really good. And it will. My son finally got into recovery on his own. I can't begin to tell you what we tried first. But HE did it. Not us. He finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. But we had to let him fall, and not pick him back up and soften the consequences of his drinking and drugging, including letting him stay in jail when he got arrested.
For you: Alcoholics act and their family members react. That's the way it is. Most of the time we react because we don't realize we have real choices. There come a time in a family relationship when we have to let go. We have to allow someone to just be who they are and work on getting ourselves well. Living with a true alcoholic creates a sickness that if untreated will only get worse. A practicing alcoholic will always look for an easier softer way rather than face their problem head on. And when they get confronted, they'll try half measures just to make their loved ones happy. And, then they'll go right back out again and use the first chance they get, which rips our hearts out when it's our child; no matter how old they are.
Please keep posting. Don't be alone with this. I wish you the best.
For you: Alcoholics act and their family members react. That's the way it is. Most of the time we react because we don't realize we have real choices. There come a time in a family relationship when we have to let go. We have to allow someone to just be who they are and work on getting ourselves well. Living with a true alcoholic creates a sickness that if untreated will only get worse. A practicing alcoholic will always look for an easier softer way rather than face their problem head on. And when they get confronted, they'll try half measures just to make their loved ones happy. And, then they'll go right back out again and use the first chance they get, which rips our hearts out when it's our child; no matter how old they are.
Please keep posting. Don't be alone with this. I wish you the best.
Sadly enough, you can't MAKE her stop drinking.
The only thing you can do is change your behavior toward her drinking. I know that is maddening to hear. But she is an adult. And, by law can make her own decisions. But so can you.
Do you think she is an alcoholic? You could find a support group for people who have alcoholics in their families, like Al-anon. Or if you prefer there many books on the subject. Just go to Amazon or the library and type "recovery" or "alcoholism."
Hope I helped even if just a little.
Ellis
The only thing you can do is change your behavior toward her drinking. I know that is maddening to hear. But she is an adult. And, by law can make her own decisions. But so can you.
Do you think she is an alcoholic? You could find a support group for people who have alcoholics in their families, like Al-anon. Or if you prefer there many books on the subject. Just go to Amazon or the library and type "recovery" or "alcoholism."
Hope I helped even if just a little.
Ellis
You can't force her to quit. Unfortunately she has to want to quit in order for this to happen. You can share posst from this site in order to see what sobriety is all about. You can also contact AA and have her talk with them.
Best of luck with this. I have a 21 year old nephew in the same sitaution.
Best of luck with this. I have a 21 year old nephew in the same sitaution.
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