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needing direction

This is my first post so bear with me as I try to get what's in my head onto the screen... I am 26 years old and have been battling alcoholism for the past 5+ years.

I have always used alcohol in unhealthy ways, whether it be to numb pain, help with social anxiety, to make myself feel like not so much of an outsider. I've gotten 2 DUIs in the past 5 years and just recently gotten my license back. I've hurt people I love deeply, so much so that when I think about the destruction I've caused it makes me want to drink that much more. I've burned bridges, I've hurt family members, I've had several car accidents, I've nearly burned my house down from leaving the stove on and passing out. When I think about the things I've done, it makes me physically sick to my stomach.

I acknowledged how severe of a problem I have around May of 2014. I got on Antibuse in hopes that I would be able to hold myself accountable by taking a pill every day. I went to AA here and there, though never talked to anyone. I lasted for 4 months before relapsing. Since then, I've never had more than 2 months. I've talked to drug and alcohol therapists but when I leave their office I am back to square one.

My question is, how do I make this sick cycle stop? I get caught up in self hatred and feelings that I am not strong enough of a person to be completely sober. I know in my soul that I am not one who should drink. It does not agree with me and while serving as a temporary band aid, only makes things so much worse. I just can't seem to figure it out. Am I not putting in the work or will something eventually click? I feel so lost. I've recently gotten on Wellbutrin in hopes that it would lessen my depression and social anxiety, but after a month, I am deciding to get off of it. I feel myself becoming so indifferent to so many of life's struggles. I just need some words of encouragement. What has worked for you?
2 Responses
Avatar universal
What did it for me was passing out from blood loss and getting admitted to the hospital. I was diagnosed with liver damage and was there for a week. The only time I had been in a hospital was when I was born. My doctor told me if I continued to drink I would die. Scared the s#%t out of me. I never went to meetings but did go online every day. I would see my doctor and get blood work done to access your health. Then stay with this group and read-read-read and help other people like yourself. If drinking is no longer "fun", why do it? Hang in there-you are stronger than you think.
1 Comments
The trajectory is always downward if you keep drinking to excess.  You already had 2 dui's right? A third could land you in jail and suspend your license for life in many states. It took a long time for the consequences to seem "real" to me, but a dui and being in a holding cell with 7 other guys was a good start.  
Unfortunately, drinking isn't a rational choice for most of us who have been drunks. It is a compulsion.
Do whatever you have to do. Don't.carry extra cash for buying liquor, don't drive by the store, and don't keep it on the house. And hang around with sober people who have good attitudes about life. You can do this! You just have to. "Want it".
3060903 tn?1398565123
I got clean and sober in '99. At that time i went to my last Outpatient rehab at the local hospital. Being able to focus on the underlying causes of using was most, in your case case, you mentioned using alcohol to numb pain and alleviate social anxiety. During rehab, and talking anonymously in the closed rooms of AA , as much as we need to, allows us to free ourselves of the bondage and chains that bind us. You need to do AA wholeheartedly. For me that meant going to "closed" same sex meetings and opening up and becoming involved. Opening up in the closed meetings really helps to stop social anxiety. You find yourself and others talking relatively easily about the most challenging issues in our lives, and you immediately get a sense of belonging once you join in. I think AA didn't stick  because you didn't earn your way in, by talking. Once you do, you know you're where you belong. I hope you give AA a real chance, (while it is still your choice, one more DUI and it'll probably be court ordered with a stipulation to have an attendance signature). I suggest that you go to a closed same sex meeting, and plan on looking for someone you can ask to be your sponsor. Also, you can do yourself a favour and ask if you can sign up to help with the coffee and the chairs. It feels good to be of service in the meetings. It's a whole different perspective when you're all in, at AA. A sponsor will help you with the 12 steps. It is important for you to do the steps to deal with the guilt you are feeling , that is keeping you stuck and unable to believe you are capable or worthy of long term sobriety. You are indeed capable of both. As for surrounding yourself with sober friends, you'll find that in AA too. When in the closed groups, you can get to talking and maybe offer a ride to someone in your areas that has lost their license, or get one, if you manage to lose yours again before you get there. ( i had 4 DUI's )

AA taken seriously is a huge benefit in the first couple few years and for many it is a lifetime club that many enjoy. I went for as long as i had to. and do my 12 step (giving back ) work here, because it's more convenient for me).

You will be forgiven for your trespasses, you can forgive yourself. 5 years although i know how hard it's been is a great place for you to quit. You still have the majority of your life that you can live without being in chains. Please, really consider truly accepting the fellowship of AA. It works if you give it your all. Get your life back. Deal with the pain that you're numbing and prepare for the life that should be yours. In the scheme of things, 5 years is getting out early. Anybody that knows about alcoholism will be aware that you cared enough to clean yourself up after 5 years and be SO PROUD OF YOU. FOR THAT.

I'm here if you feel like talking.
Liz
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