Hey, no judgement. This is a safe place to ask for help and talk about it!
Rage can be scary. I get it. And when we feel like we can't control it and aren't aware of the triggers, it feels even worse.
The important thing is that you are not wanting to continue down this path. So, what can you do? Have you considered therapy? Anger management training and therapy to understand it is really helpful for many people.
Do you think you have anxiety? Lots of people and particularly men have rage and anger as a symptom of anxiety. Treating the anxiety helps the anger.
Something else to try is a stress thermometer. It goes something like this (it is a tool to help control ourselves): Picture an old fashioned thermometer with a ball at the bottom. The ball at the bottom is colored green and is Just Right. This is where you feel mellow, calm, content, things are fine. Note that when at green, just right-- your breathing is even, slow, you have a softer voice, your face and body are relaxed, etc. The next area above the green section is yellow. Yellow is when things shift a bit. You are slightly agitated. This may present itself for you physically with a bit louder voice, speaking a bit faster, feeling less calm, breathing a bit faster, heavier, heart rate increasing, feeling hot. The next area above Yellow, is orange. This is when you are feeling mad. You are clearly upset. Your voice is loud, you are speaking fast, your heart is beating, you are maybe sweating a little, you are breathing fast. The last area above orange is Red. This is the rage zone. This is when you full out lose it and are your worst self. The self that you are writing that scares you a bit.
So, what do you do with all that? You start to slow down what is happening to you. You start to try to notice where you are at on the thermometer with green/just right as the goal. You never want to go to Red, so you try to stop it at yellow, or orange at the latest. You do this by having GO TO things to calm yourself. Take a walk, open and close your fists, go to your room and journal the feelings/thoughts, put a punching bag in the basement/garage and use it, take deep breaths (in for three slowly and out for three slowly, repeat). These are known calming techniques. You can also have a cool down spot. You go there and your partner can not approach you there because you are working on staying cool. You set this up ahead of time and tell them that you will let them know when you are available but if you are in the designated cool down spot, to let you be. Best for everyone at that point.
Triggers? What are your triggers. these are good to notice. Keeping a journal of when you feel rage/anger and what happened before hand is helpful.
If you are feeling so out of control you are indeed dangerous, call someone for help. Even 911 so that you do not do something you'll greatly regret. Let us know how you are doing and how this progresses!
I suggest you read Dr. Amen's book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. I recently learned from his studies of brain scans of his own mental health patients that anger could be coming from a brain injury.
I remember reading about two sisters, I think, and one became suddenly having anger issues. The doctor found out she recently had fallen from their bed and hit her head.
There was also a sample of Dr. Amen's relative, a child, who suddenly became grumpy and had anger issues. The brain was scanned and there was some trauma in the brain. He prescribes the right medication to make the brain healthy and the "anger issues" were gone after treatment.
I think it's a breakthrough that most people do not know. That's why he tells people to keep their brains free from injury and to never allow anyone to hit the head. See, if you hit a child's head, or if you've been battering a child, notice how this child usually grows up with anger issues. It's not only psychological because of the bad memory, but Dr. Amen's studies prove that it's also physical.
No amount of willpower on our part could help us tame our anger issues if our brain has some old trauma or injury.