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Avatar universal

how to stop my husband from yelling at me?

My husband and I have been together for 7+ years and married for 4 years now and we have a 20 month old son. We are both working professionals. Ever since I have been pregnant, my husband has been yelling at me when he gets stressed out by any situation. If my alarm clock went off and I didn't turn it off quickly enough he would scream at me "TURN OFF THE F****ING THING". When our son was little and woke up at night to feed, he would scream at me if I didn't wake up quickly enough. When our son was sick and had a high temperature, he started screaming at me. Recently he got fired from his job, because he screamed at the HR. This morning our car's battery died and he started screaming at me. My reaction varies between complete confusion, to panic, to sometimes screaming back at him. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. After each screaming episode he would not talk to me for a few days and then act as if nothing happened and be overly nice to me. If I dare to bring it up with him, he gets mad at me again. For the past 7 months he has slowly stopped socializing with all our friends, he does not like us going to our friend's place or going anywhere. I'm from another country and don't have any family here. When after one of his screaming episodes I threatened to leave him he said he would take my son away from me. I feel really isolated and depressed. I want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I'm losing my sanity on this roller coaster ride.
How can I stope all the yelling and cursing? I know this is having a very negative effect on my child.
110 Responses
1436030 tn?1283662424
Try your best to sit him down and talk calmly to him about it and tell him his behavior is becoming to be too much and tell him you don't want to leave him but that you want things to be better. It sounds like he has a mood disorder and might need to be on a mood stabilizer
535822 tn?1443980380
He needs anger management, this is indeed bad for your child it is abusive he has to stop, you should be tough with him tell him you do not like being yelled at and you will leave if he doesnt stop it, he needs help if your marriage is to survive, protect your child he will grow up in fear of his father .He cannot take your child away from you In America that doesnt happen, the Mom usually gets custody, unless she can be proved unfit.It may be a good idea to get some facts about your rights as a mom .Good luck let us know how you are doing welcome to Med Help .
144586 tn?1284669764
Well, as Margypops stated he can't "take your son away from you".

I suggest you make a notebook, or keep a computer diary (secret) documenting these expressions of anger. I am very hesitant to recommend this, but you may end up in court in the event of a separation and these will be helpful to you.

You have to ask yourself if you will be better off without him.

There is no reason for anyone to live with a knot in their gut because of an abusive partner.
1444901 tn?1284753542
Hey there. I completely understand your situation as I was om the other end of your problem. I am the guy who did the screaming exactly to a T as you describe. What a horrible feeling I have knowing I did these things to 2 of my ex girlfriends. I lost the love of my life because of anger problems. WE were so close to getting married, until she realized how angry i was all the time... If you want the full story message me, its a long one starting with me getting laid off same as your husband.. i think my story will be exactly the same as yours. And coming from the guys perspective i think i can help you. When were yelling at you, almost always were immediately sorry and want so bad for you not to walk away to diffuse it, but for you to come hold us and say I love you.. this is a rediculous thinng to ask of you and by no means should you do it, but that along with some other things are going through our head in the moment and just after. our pride is waaaaaaaay  to big to turn around and say sorry i yelled.. but there are definitely some things i can tell you, that would help alot.. you cant imagine how long and hard i cried when she left.. and i have not talked to her since that night... oooo such a tragedy. I went to anger management after that and cand say I no longer have the anger problems. I have not been tested in a relationship though as i have not dated since then.. so im curious as to how i will act when i date again... please dont leave him unless it gets violent. He can change, but it took me 6 years and losing 2 wonderful women before i changed... message me please, i think i can help...

im prayin for ya!
Robert
2 Comments
Thank you for posting this.  It's nice to hear from the other side and see there is hope for change.
Hi..Am 19 years old. Me and my boyfriend are in relationship for past one year. Before he wiill not yell at me. but now he often yells at me saying i dont do things perfectly and always does mistakes. He also used to say that I am the one who makes him angry. But the thing is he is taking silly things serious.I have tried explaining him many times. but he keeps saying that i argue with him.He broke his mobile phone during a fight. And he used to attack himself if he is very much stressed with our fight. What shall i do now?
Avatar universal
One thing, you absolutely don't want to reward him when he throws his tantrums.  When he starts to fly off the handle and yell at you or the baby, pick up the baby and walk out of the house for awhile.  Also it is important for you to mix with friends, with or without him.  Don't let him entertain the idea that he can control you through screaming.  Go out in public and observe if he carries on in front of the world like this.  If so, I suspect he may have some mental issues going on and he should see a psychologist for an evaluation.
You are not responsible for his anger.  His anger builds up inside his head.  He must learn to manage his thoughts and emotions on his own.  You can't do it for him.
1457315 tn?1288463346
Look at Mel Gibson.  Now you know that girl doesn't want to leave Mel Gibson!  As we listen to those tapes we all are saying, "take the baby and run!'  Run for your life.
Love must be tough!  

The above writer "Robert"  what I heard him say is.  I didn't stop until she left.  Look him in the eyes say I'm not going to tolerate this.  When he does it again (he will) Go! Go!  Invest in yourself!  Find out where you can go and go because if you don't you will teach your children the exact same aggressive or victim behaviors.  Make plans.  this is work.

You can also make him go!!!   Since he is the one with the behavior issue.  Make him go.  Call a anger management place and see about having him leave because of his aggressive behavior.  Call the police and ask your options.  Call a local church and talk.  Call an abusive hot line.  Talk Talk Talk until it clicks.  Do not ignore this or it will continue.
Avatar universal
It's sounds like my kind of situation :(
I'm also from another country so there is no place for me to go to get away from it all. My husband and I have been married for little over 8 years now and we also have an 21 months old baby. He actually always had a bad temper, but I think it gotten worse after we had a baby.
After seeing the add on tv I started thinking may be it's a "low T" thing or something.
The suggestion about sitting down with your hubby and calmly talking about the whole situation is impossible - it is only making things more complicated and makes him more angry toward me. :(
I swear if I would not be an immigrant from Ukraine with no place to go and no family here I would be long gone I'm so tired and so hurt by the whole thing!!! Even though I love my husband very much and we have a great family.... It's just hi is terrible in his anger - Ivan the Terrible.
There is nothing I can do. I've tried talking to him or ignoring his  episodes of madness.
1 Comments
My husband blamed his behavior on low testosterone too, which he did indeed have.  But he's been taking testosterone injections for about a year now and his behavior hasn't changed.  He's less tired but still as moody and angry.
Avatar universal
I know exactly what you mean, I have only been with my husband for almost 4 years, been married for almost 3 years an we just had a baby 2 months ago. He has always had a bit of a temper but lately it gotten MUCH worse, I have asked him over an over to stop yelling at me and nothing ever changes. I have done everything except literally beg him but I am so close to doing that, anything to get him to stop. I do not want this kind of stuff going on infront of our son, I keep telling him that we are to set a example for our son even if he is only 2 months old. That just makes him yell louder, an trying to have a civil conversation with him I don't think is even possible unless its something that he wants to talk about or something to benefit him. If its something we need to work out or go over he immediately rolls his eyes in annoyance an gets pissy where its useless to even continue talking to him, then he will get mad that I no longer want to talk to him about whatever we were talking about or going to talk about an yell about that. He says he wakes up in a bad mood, but he is ALWAYS in a bad mood, I am waiting to see him in a good mood. He is on medicine (adderall) that helps with ADHD but by time he gets off work the medicine has worn off an I'm left to deal with him unmedicated an usually pissed off about something. I have gotten where I do not even want to talk to him because I know that it will in a matter of seconds turn into some sort of argument. I have tried numerous times to just let him cool off an let him walk away, once he got so mad at me for letting him cool off he followed me through the house just so he could yell at me, he was mad that I did NOT argue back with him. I have asked him if he just likes the sound of his own voice, is that why he yells about everything.... naturally that didn't go over well. After we got married his inner a$$hole unleashed. We  have tried couples counseling he went a few times an didn't feel like he needed to go anymore, so pretty much he found an excuse not to go an hasn't been back. I have suggested anger managment an that didn't go over well. I am running out of things to talk to him about, since everything turns into a blow up fight. I am always very calm but everyone has their limits an I am starting to feel like a whipping post ( not literally ). Our latest fight was because I want him to be home more so he can spend time with our son, an I somehow am selfish because I want him to bond with the baby an make some time for us.... anyway, sorry this is so long. you are not alone. :( maybe one day these idiots will grow the hell up! Just remember just because they are talking louder than you, does not mean they are right.
Avatar universal
So sorry that you're going through this as well. I wonder how many women are out there with this kind of problem?
I need to talk to my husband about me (and our daughter) going overseas to visit my folks (they have not seen her yet) ,but I am afraid that it is going to be WWII. Hi is not happy about us leaving at all and does not want to even talk about it. Hi is welcome to go with us but this idea doesn't sound good for him either. So I don't know what to do and how to start the conversation and make sure it will stay pleasant and civilized. :(
Avatar universal
Howdy,
If I can step in for a second, perhaps I can shed some light on the subject.  By no means am I the authority on the subject, but I am a guy who has had trouble with anger issues all of my life.  At the tender age of 43, I have decided to seek professional help.  I am very fortunate that nothing I have done has caused my wife to cut and run, but I have to tell you....I would have left.

I have had anger issues (amongst other issues) for decades.  I think you need to try to catch your guy at a moment that isnt escalated and have a heart to heart.  Tell himn how you feel, and dont cut corners.  Come straight from the gut, and let him know that youre doing this because you care and because you love him.  

Ask him to get some help.  Ask him to sign on to some of these boards.  There is a wealth of information here....  You can be totally anonymous here, bleed your heart out, and some of the good folks can offer some suggestions.  

This came secondarily to my therapy sessions, and I have to tell you....big damn difference now.  Dont get me wrong, there is still room for improvement. The fact is, the difference is light and day.  Give him the opportunity to talk to someone else about it, and this is the perfect forum.  If he doesnt want help....tread cautiously, and have a plan to get away.  Your and the baby's safety comes before anything else.
Avatar universal
Hi Ladies,
I have been with my husband for 16 years mariried for 15. He started yelling at me somewhere along the way early on after we were married. He was even physically absuive to me at one time and had to take anger management. This was 7 years ago. He never admitted that he had done anything wrong. He will actually tell me I will kick his A-- if i hear of him hurting her. Men that hurt women need their A-- kicked. He tells me this if we hear of someone we know in a bad situation etc., Now you would think that anyone who has hurt their own wife wouldn't say something like this if they can't even admit to what they themself did. Let me say the anger managment helped a lot for about a year after he took it. I was in love with him all over again as if our relationship was new. The anger management was court mandated based on the physical abuse. He would never take it on his own. As time has went on and the anger management therapy wore off his yelling has gotten so much worse over time. He was laid off back in 07, and I work from home. He is able to help me somewhat with the work I do. Maybe 15 hours a week or so, sometimes 0 hours if I don't have things he can do. He refuses to learn the computer and most of my work is on the computer. Anyway, his yelling has gotten so very bad that when I have time off he makes it misserable for me. I work a lot of hours since I work from home. I put in about 90 hours a week on a pretty regular basis so that we can continue paying our bills since he is basically out of work. You would think he would appreciate that I am willing to work so hard. But no, just yesterday I was able to take off work at a normal hour (what is normal for most people). I go into the kitchen and he is rearranging the fridge. So I ask if i can help, he tells me to put the taco shells in a baggie. So I put them in a baggie, the next thing I know he is yelling at me to go back to my room (refering to my office). Apparently I was in his way. I just came back to my room and sat there and cried. Oh and I forgot to add just after he told me to go back to my room, I had said you shouldn't treat me this way. So he told me to call someone who F--- cares. I had told him maybe I would. So he told me maybe I can find a guy willing to take care of me. Anyway of course his words were very hurtful to me and i just sat in my office and cried. He did eventually tell me he was sorry yesterday evening. But it was not long before he was yelling about something different the same evening. So let me just say ladies, it does get worse! Why I stay I don't know. I do love my husband very much and can't really see myself without him. I know he grew up with a lot of family issues. So maybe i feel as though it can't be helped on his part. I am the main bread winner so there is no reason that I can't make it on my own. Ladies, just sit back and thiink whether or not you are willing to deal with the way he treats you for the rest of your life. Because I don't think it will change. Someone once told me this and I didn't listen. I wish I would have listened then. I have so much into our relationship now. We own a home, cars, boats, etc. A divorce would be a big huge fight. Not to mention there are other reasons that a divorce may not work in my situation. Anyway, even if your partner does take anger managment it does and will wear off. My husband is so selfish, I heard one of you speak as if your husband was selfish. Well I think they all must be. I used to think I was crazy. But I am so NOT. If it is for my husband about my husband or will benefit my husband eveyrthing is great. If it is for his favorite sister about his favorite sister or will benefit his favorite sister everything is fine. if it is for me about me or will benefit me, what a total disaster. I actually paid for his sister to fly to see us. What a user, it must run in the family. Well let me take that back it does run in the family. I have been around them all long enough to know. I paid to get his sister here and she actually stayed with another family member one of the older siblings because she didn't want anyone to fight over her. She visited with us at our home only the night we picked her up which we didn't get home until 2 a.m. and came home with us the night before she had to be to the airport at 8;00 a..m. Anyway just trying to give you an example of what the family is like. That doesn't even touch it though, there is so much more. I just want to be very careful to not be known if one of them reads this. I have to add that  2 of the male parnters (1 family spouse, 1 boyfriend) that were wtih the family took their own lives. I swear I think they could not take the abuse any longer. Now get this when it happened to the second relative the other one that it happened to first said she tought it was the best thing that could have ever happened. How freaking sick is that???? Best thing that ever happened that someone killed themselves. Good grief get some help. Thank you to all who have read this, and ladies if you can't live with this the rest of your life get out while it's early and quit wasting your time on these men.  You will save yourself much heartache and your children. it will affect them, if not now down the road.
Avatar universal
yelling at one's kids, friends, and wife is not something which is so rare I think it is a very common swing of a person's mood. In your case  the dreadful thing is, as you mentioned, your husband is SELFISH. Selfishness implies to  a state that he has no regards or love for you ( I am sorry to say). and the thing making your case the worst is that this trait runs through out the family. it looks like, they had some issues of psychological nature  in the family. Take him to a psychiatrist...I guess this won't be possible for you. Check his BP just after he awakes. and start giving him one to two clove of garlic in the breakfast with his first bite in the breakfast... let us see how you manipulate with it .
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