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how to stop my husband from yelling at me?
My husband and I have been together for 7+ years and married for 4 years now and we have a 20 month old son. We are both working professionals. Ever since I have been pregnant, my husband has been yelling at me when he gets stressed out by any situation. If my alarm clock went off and I didn't turn it off quickly enough he would scream at me "TURN OFF THE F****ING THING". When our son was little and woke up at night to feed, he would scream at me if I didn't wake up quickly enough. When our son was sick and had a high temperature, he started screaming at me. Recently he got fired from his job, because he screamed at the HR. This morning our car's battery died and he started screaming at me. My reaction varies between complete confusion, to panic, to sometimes screaming back at him. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. After each screaming episode he would not talk to me for a few days and then act as if nothing happened and be overly nice to me. If I dare to bring it up with him, he gets mad at me again. For the past 7 months he has slowly stopped socializing with all our friends, he does not like us going to our friend's place or going anywhere. I'm from another country and don't have any family here. When after one of his screaming episodes I threatened to leave him he said he would take my son away from me. I feel really isolated and depressed. I want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I'm losing my sanity on this roller coaster ride.
How can I stope all the yelling and cursing? I know this is having a very negative effect on my child.
How can I stope all the yelling and cursing? I know this is having a very negative effect on my child.
Wow, I just saw your thread began in 2010. I wonder if you are still alive.
Howdy,
If I can step in for a second, perhaps I can shed some light on the subject. By no means am I the authority on the subject, but I am a guy who has had trouble with anger issues all of my life. At the tender age of 43, I have decided to seek professional help. I am very fortunate that nothing I have done has caused my wife to cut and run, but I have to tell you....I would have left.
I have had anger issues (amongst other issues) for decades. I think you need to try to catch your guy at a moment that isnt escalated and have a heart to heart. Tell himn how you feel, and dont cut corners. Come straight from the gut, and let him know that youre doing this because you care and because you love him.
Ask him to get some help. Ask him to sign on to some of these boards. There is a wealth of information here.... You can be totally anonymous here, bleed your heart out, and some of the good folks can offer some suggestions.
This came secondarily to my therapy sessions, and I have to tell you....big damn difference now. Dont get me wrong, there is still room for improvement. The fact is, the difference is light and day. Give him the opportunity to talk to someone else about it, and this is the perfect forum. If he doesnt want help....tread cautiously, and have a plan to get away. Your and the baby's safety comes before anything else.
If I can step in for a second, perhaps I can shed some light on the subject. By no means am I the authority on the subject, but I am a guy who has had trouble with anger issues all of my life. At the tender age of 43, I have decided to seek professional help. I am very fortunate that nothing I have done has caused my wife to cut and run, but I have to tell you....I would have left.
I have had anger issues (amongst other issues) for decades. I think you need to try to catch your guy at a moment that isnt escalated and have a heart to heart. Tell himn how you feel, and dont cut corners. Come straight from the gut, and let him know that youre doing this because you care and because you love him.
Ask him to get some help. Ask him to sign on to some of these boards. There is a wealth of information here.... You can be totally anonymous here, bleed your heart out, and some of the good folks can offer some suggestions.
This came secondarily to my therapy sessions, and I have to tell you....big damn difference now. Dont get me wrong, there is still room for improvement. The fact is, the difference is light and day. Give him the opportunity to talk to someone else about it, and this is the perfect forum. If he doesnt want help....tread cautiously, and have a plan to get away. Your and the baby's safety comes before anything else.
He needs anger management, this is indeed bad for your child it is abusive he has to stop, you should be tough with him tell him you do not like being yelled at and you will leave if he doesnt stop it, he needs help if your marriage is to survive, protect your child he will grow up in fear of his father .He cannot take your child away from you In America that doesnt happen, the Mom usually gets custody, unless she can be proved unfit.It may be a good idea to get some facts about your rights as a mom .Good luck let us know how you are doing welcome to Med Help .
I feel sad for anyone going through this with their husband. I, too, am in a similar situation. We've been together 9 years now & have been married 6 years. We are both 60 years old now. He has 3 children from 2 previous marriages who were grown adults when we married & 2 of them won't speak to him. I have one child who was a grown adult when we married. The first 3 years we weren't married, we were living together, as I called off the marriage & waited to see if things would work out. I did a lot of thinking before marrying him, & I had 2 choices - to leave or stay. I opted to stay & we married. It has been a hellish mental nightmare for me for 9 years now. I know myself & my mind. I am caring & affectionate. That has been my only saving grace. But lately, his verbal abuse has become so bad I seem to be having depression, which I never had before. I can't bring up anything to him in a very nice way which would help us forge a relationship, I can't ask him for help at all, I can't go anywhere with him because he humiliates me in front of nearly everyone publicly, & I receive no apologies & no words or actions of any sort of comfort. My 'so called' friends don't come around anymore & people act very strangely around me which makes me believe he is saying things behind my back. I already have proof that he is calling me very hurtful mental names to my face, blaming everything on me. He outright lies, calls me a *****, tell me I'm a horrible wife, screams at me at the top of his lungs, breaks things, flips me off, & tells me I'm ugly. He was fired from him job as a police officer because he hit me but has another job. He has thrown me out of the truck twice that has caused me to have a total hip replacement this year, he gave me an STD, & I have had to undergo chemo & radiation for 3 years without any help from him at all. I have become a hermit, being lonely all the time, & when he comes home he ignores me. I have slept on the couch now for 2 years & he sleeps in the bedroom because when I sleep with him he gets up and leaves the room. He tells me I am ungrateful because he is the breadwinner & if I ask for a hug or need something he feels he doesn't owe me anything. I wash, cook, clean, pay the bills, & did work until last year through chemo & radiation. I lost my job as an online medical transcriptionist because the company closed. I'm on disability now & he thinks he's entitled to my money I worked hard for. He takes my pain killers to the point I have none left. I am tired of doing everything for him & he does nothing for me except support me. When he was in college, around 18 or 19 years old, he had to pay 6 years restitution to a guy he got in a fight with, broke his neck, & resulted in the guy becoming a quadriplegic. It is amazing that the police force hired someone like him. I have searched for his police records & his slate has been wiped clean. Talk about illegal! Then when the police department hired a new police chief, they came around to my house to ask him to come back to work, left countless business cards on my door, & truck windshield, & have called many times. I have given them his phone number & he states he will never go back to work for them. The 'reputable' police force has just slapped me in my face. If I had another place to go, I would. My mom passed away last year & my lying husband told me when she was on her deathbed & could hardly speak except in a whisper, he stated she said "take care of her - she's bipolar!" I am not bipolar. After our latest bout the other day, I am feeling 'different.' I can't seem to focus, I hurt inside very badly because of his harsh words, screaming, & indifference to me. I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do with myself. I have always been a very strong person, very happy, & very active & now, I have been reduced to this. I am hoping to somehow set up some type of surveillance with cameras & tape recorder in the home to where I can document how he treats me. Then, if he ever decided to throw me out of the house again with no vehicle (he made me sell mine & gave the money to his daughter) & no place to go (I had to stay in a homeless shelter) then I would have proof of what happened. I won't go to his police officer friends court again. I wasn't allowed to speak or do anything. I had to go through 6 weeks of counseling to get help paying for the divorce I requested & found out that the counseling services told him everything. I was hushed by those in control. I will have to somehow hide money to prepare for that day & hire an attorney out of state as he was both a county officer, as well as a state police officer, & I know they are up to no good. I didn't mean to write so much but it helps to get it out of my system. I try to keep busy. I try to take my mind off this misery. I now cannot sleep at night. It doesn't matter to him one way or another what goes on with me. He told me when we first got together he doesn't celebrate holidays. So all holidays have been nothing. He tells everyone Merry Christmas, Happy Thanksgiving, etc. & I don't get any words of greeting for the holidays. He had the nerve to tell me the other day that he doesn't celebrate holidays because I was spending all his money. I said what did I spend? He couldn't answer me. I gave him a book on our first Christmas. I got nothing. I used to give him gifts & now I don't because he gives nothing in return. I've heard anger will escalate & it escalates little by little every year. His anger management class didn't help him one bit because a female police officer taught the course who is very, very rude to me. I try to keep busy with the yard, the house, reading, etc. but it doesn't replace the reason I got married - companionship & love. The best way I know how to not 'rock the boat' is to continue being his servant & not expecting anything from him at all. I have to accept it is a one-way street & know in my mind I am okay. What goes around comes back around - I know that for fact. It may not be in the time frame I was hoping for, but in good time, he will get what he deserves though I may never live to see it.
He never was like this before? Everyone jumps on the abuse train, it may be that, but may be medical, have him go in for a medical exam, could be anything, my sons was his thyroid. Thyroid cancer. There are several medical reasons that this happens also, so if it is new, out if the ordinary, maybe a trip to the drs is in order. Goos luck.
MEN SUCK! I always tell mine "You didnt marry a 1950s wife so deal with it" we have to stand up for ourselves. He blew a fit cuz i wldnt close down an acct i had since i was 19 and put it in his bank. So i finally said "I am NEVER closing my acct so u can yell at me til ur blue in the face" And he never ever mentioned it again. SMH
My name is Fay Turner, and I enjoy meeting new people and finding ways to help them have an uplifting experience. I am dedicated, passionate and outgoing. Hope everyone's well! I am a survivor!
1 Comments
Hi
I realize your post is almost 5 years old, but I could definitely use your perspective! I have asked my partner to explain his anger to me and he just gets more angry, and tells me to figure it out myself. If you are still around and willing to discuss, I would be appreciative
I am in the same situation as you. My husband has the same issues as yours. We can never have a conversation if things do not go his way without a temper tantrum. I have been married 21 years. He says he will not seek help but everytime it happens . He says I am sorry and will work on it but then it happens over and over again. I am so sad, and wish my two teenagers did not witness his anger.
Hello
I read many posts on anger issues but I can definitely relate to yours.How are you and your husband doing? I feel your pain . I have been married 21 years. My husband has anger management issues too. I never what is going to set him off. He yells (never physical) and says horrible things and then he says I am sorry the next day like nothing happened and when I confront him and try to talk to him , he says he will work on trying to control it but refuses to get help. I am sooo upset that at times my two teenagers witness his horrible temper tantrums. I dont want to leave him for economic issues either. Everyone in the outside world, thinks he is the greatest guy , even my family.I am so ashamed of his his behavior and embarrassed. His father has a horrible temper but my husband always promised me he would never be like him. .
I read many posts on anger issues but I can definitely relate to yours.How are you and your husband doing? I feel your pain . I have been married 21 years. My husband has anger management issues too. I never what is going to set him off. He yells (never physical) and says horrible things and then he says I am sorry the next day like nothing happened and when I confront him and try to talk to him , he says he will work on trying to control it but refuses to get help. I am sooo upset that at times my two teenagers witness his horrible temper tantrums. I dont want to leave him for economic issues either. Everyone in the outside world, thinks he is the greatest guy , even my family.I am so ashamed of his his behavior and embarrassed. His father has a horrible temper but my husband always promised me he would never be like him. .
1 Comments
I would say get out the relationship like many people but many dont realize that its not that easy.....You have to woman up!! And make him change one way or another. Dont show weakness around him, hou have the pants of the family not him. Women raise kids, keep at straight home, we care for everyone at home even pets. We are the number one thing man should value as a wife, as a mother, and a provider or love and care. Try and try again to change him, if it gets worst and he shows no interest then its his loss, believe me....as time goes by he will hurt more than you will ever because at least you did something for the good of your family. We WOMEN are so strong emotionally, physically, and psycologically but many times we are blinded because of what culture portray us to be.
I just found this article and I am going through the same thing with my husband yelling at me all the time for such small things. It is usually every few months that things will get bad to where we don't speak for a days. I don't know what to do. Any support would be greatly appreciated.
1 Comments
Hello. Did things get better?
He seems to be a classic abuser. Symptoms of a domestic abuser contain the following: demanding, yelling, treating your wife like a slave, unrealistic expectations (demanding that she turn off the alarm clock immediately, isolation from family and friends so no one will hear her scream or see the bruises she will likely soon incur. Abusers do this for power and control. They begin usually by being charming. After married or living with their loved one they usually begin to be verbally abusive with put downs and yelling. Then if this is not sufficient to obtain power and control physical abuse occurs including threats to her life. From what she says, he hasn't got to the physical stage yet. If she can get him help and he will accept help now, it may not get to that. He needs to get therapy specifically for Domestic Abusers (this can be emotional abuse as well) as anger management is not about power and control, Domestic Abuse is.
Snowchild, unfortunately your husband is becoming an abuser. They start out charming. Then they become verbally abusive. They will isolate you from family and friends, which you said he is now doing. It becomes worse during pregnancy. And you have said it began then. The next step for an abuser is to become violent with you to obtain power and control over you. He will then feel guilt and shame, but still blame you. The honeymoon part of the cycle will then occur wherein he will be kind to you. Then when he feels out of control again, he will attempt to control you by yelling, swearing, breaking your things and eventually physically harming you. Make sure you keep none of this from your family and friends. He needs to know that everyone will know if he harms you as he should not be trying to control you. If he physically harms you, call the police. Go to the hospital. Make sure they take photographs of any bruises. He will go to jail and while he is in jail you will be able to request of the judge classes for Domestic Violence for him. These classes have been shown to be 80% effective. They are more effective if there are not other influences such as drugs and alcohol involved. A Protection from Abuse order should be in place while he is taking the classes. Your life is most at risk if you break up with him. The classes should be in place to let him know you are not being silent, that he needs to be accountable, and that other men know what he is doing. After he has taken the classes for awhile, you will decide if you want to risk your life or not to take him back. If you do take him back, tell him if he is attempting to have power and control over you again. He will need to stop or if he harms you, he will go right back to jail. This time for much longer, after which you should not take him back and get another protection order. At this point, you should seriously consider not taking him back. He has shown that he cannot reform through classes and chooses to abuse. You can choose not to take it. Unfortunately, as you two have a child together, he will always have parental visitation and you will always have to have custody exchanges. You may wish to pay a family based therapy to have custody sessions supervised there with a judge's order. I'm not foreseeing your future. I'm telling you the patter that most abuser's exhibit. Your best bet is to get him to the group now. If he won't go and you don't want to leave him, you will have to wait until the physical abuse begins. And based on his pattern of behaviors, I can almost guarantee you, that is the next step for power and control over you.
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Truer words have never been spoken....we all need to remember that it is Not our fault....... Let me guess, does everyone else whose husband yells at them, get along with your mother in law?
Mine says everything is my fault, sound familiar?
Now we know where he gets it from......
Unfortunately, the miserable, depressed angry men, who can't admit their faults And don't seek treatment typically don't change.....of course we rationalize love......but let's face it...this stuff ***** an didn't love!
We deserve better, right ladies?
Mine says everything is my fault, sound familiar?
Now we know where he gets it from......
Unfortunately, the miserable, depressed angry men, who can't admit their faults And don't seek treatment typically don't change.....of course we rationalize love......but let's face it...this stuff ***** an didn't love!
We deserve better, right ladies?
I was married to a guy that had issues with anger way before we married. I thought the same thing you did he will change. But he didn't. If I could have gone back and demanded that he take an anger management class I would have prevented a lot of pain and sorrow. It does take a lot of work to control anger. Sometimes it takes years.
when you get angry you can't be calm and not to yell? is it that hard?
I searched on google for this problem and ran into this forum, i have realized that my boyfriend has anger issues... we are going to get married and move in together soon and start our life but this problem makes me to be cynical about our future... I just have a little hope that by the time he would change but what if he won't?
I´d like to add something, I have been reading a few of these comments. It´s sad to see the same patterns over and over, well i have found out the following. I am a husband myself, and I am constantly yelling with my wife, I know I am in the wrong. I also know my wife is in the wrong sometimes too (as she admits it).
I found out that as a son, my mother would do everything for us, take care of us, etc... so, as a grown up, having had care all my life, I have also grown into an undeveloped man. Don´t get me wrong, I´m very loving, romantic, etc... however, I am also a ******* sometimes, especially when I am nagged at, criticized, or if my wife keeps mentioning the past mistakes i´ve made (which I already asked her to forgive me for). So, when I´m frustrated from her behaviour, I yell. I hate it, this is NOT the type of man I want to be, it´s truly something horrible. You know about "fight or flight"? the reaction you get when you´re angry... well, i fight.
So I am desperate, my wife desires to seperate, she doesn´t hate me, but she feels we are incompatible, it may be so, however, this is very painful, because she is the love of my life.
Anyhow I came to this website, because i´m trying to find a solution. May GOD help me.
Pat.
I found out that as a son, my mother would do everything for us, take care of us, etc... so, as a grown up, having had care all my life, I have also grown into an undeveloped man. Don´t get me wrong, I´m very loving, romantic, etc... however, I am also a ******* sometimes, especially when I am nagged at, criticized, or if my wife keeps mentioning the past mistakes i´ve made (which I already asked her to forgive me for). So, when I´m frustrated from her behaviour, I yell. I hate it, this is NOT the type of man I want to be, it´s truly something horrible. You know about "fight or flight"? the reaction you get when you´re angry... well, i fight.
So I am desperate, my wife desires to seperate, she doesn´t hate me, but she feels we are incompatible, it may be so, however, this is very painful, because she is the love of my life.
Anyhow I came to this website, because i´m trying to find a solution. May GOD help me.
Pat.
My husband screams at me that I criticize him all the time; when all I asked was that he not tell the dog to go to the back door; having her walk across the house with soaking wet feet. I mentioned that he should have the towel at the front door if he's going to let her out there. I got screamed at! Not ordinary screaming, but blood-curdling, horrifying, abusive screaming to "Shut up! Shut up, Shut up! Then, Shut the f___ up!" Being screamed at that I am always criticizing him, and when I said that I'm not, he screams more saying that I'm not going to have the last word; "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! SHUT THE F___ UP!"
I can't say anything to him. Anything that crosses him the wrong way, he immediately screams now! Constantly!
My son came home from school with extremely low blood-sugar and was arguing that he didn't want a left-over for lunch. And again he is screaming how he was going to be late for his appointment with his trainer and he pays for it; and he's going to cancel it! GET OUT NOW! GET OUT! GET OUT! The same blood-curdling screams! It's insane!
He wonders why I am out at the gym for 3 hours. I have no haven anymore. He even works out of the house now. I have no place to go! I am feeling so scared and hurt, and I'm tired of crying. I don't want to leave him, but my younger son (who's 16) is afraid he's going to hurt me for just asking him something that rubs him the wrong way.
Did I really say anything wrong? Why am I made to feel that I did something wrong by asking someone to not let tell the dog to walk across the house with wet feet? I'm the one who will have to wipe it up at almost 1am!! Is it me, or is he going a bit crazy, taking everything out of context that I'm criticizing him about something. Either way, that doesn't excuse someone for their abusive behavior. It's insaneness in my home, and I don't feel safe when he gets like that. Lately is very often. I don't have anywhere to just curl up and relax. I stay up late at night because it's the only time I have a little peace and quiet to myself. I've been falling asleep on the sofa lately and I don't feel like I want to lay next to him. I've become fearful of him. I've talked to my brother-in-law because he has seen him get this way, and it's inexcusable. Nobody deserves to get bullied into submission. He keeps complaining that he can't live this way with all my complaining, but I'm even complaining if I mention that he didn't read the label when he washed my shirt and it said "line dry." I haven't even been complaining that he constant leaves food in the sink after he rinses his plate off. I didn't even say anything even though there was rice and sticky duck sauce splattered in the sink. Would it be so difficult to rinse the sink out? But when I've said that before, he goes ballistic about my complaining.
I don't know what to do? I'm feeling so stuck! I do love him, and he is hard-working man who many times can be very loving, but he flips like a light switch and I'm feeling that it is getting impossible to live like this. Needing serious help.
I can't say anything to him. Anything that crosses him the wrong way, he immediately screams now! Constantly!
My son came home from school with extremely low blood-sugar and was arguing that he didn't want a left-over for lunch. And again he is screaming how he was going to be late for his appointment with his trainer and he pays for it; and he's going to cancel it! GET OUT NOW! GET OUT! GET OUT! The same blood-curdling screams! It's insane!
He wonders why I am out at the gym for 3 hours. I have no haven anymore. He even works out of the house now. I have no place to go! I am feeling so scared and hurt, and I'm tired of crying. I don't want to leave him, but my younger son (who's 16) is afraid he's going to hurt me for just asking him something that rubs him the wrong way.
Did I really say anything wrong? Why am I made to feel that I did something wrong by asking someone to not let tell the dog to walk across the house with wet feet? I'm the one who will have to wipe it up at almost 1am!! Is it me, or is he going a bit crazy, taking everything out of context that I'm criticizing him about something. Either way, that doesn't excuse someone for their abusive behavior. It's insaneness in my home, and I don't feel safe when he gets like that. Lately is very often. I don't have anywhere to just curl up and relax. I stay up late at night because it's the only time I have a little peace and quiet to myself. I've been falling asleep on the sofa lately and I don't feel like I want to lay next to him. I've become fearful of him. I've talked to my brother-in-law because he has seen him get this way, and it's inexcusable. Nobody deserves to get bullied into submission. He keeps complaining that he can't live this way with all my complaining, but I'm even complaining if I mention that he didn't read the label when he washed my shirt and it said "line dry." I haven't even been complaining that he constant leaves food in the sink after he rinses his plate off. I didn't even say anything even though there was rice and sticky duck sauce splattered in the sink. Would it be so difficult to rinse the sink out? But when I've said that before, he goes ballistic about my complaining.
I don't know what to do? I'm feeling so stuck! I do love him, and he is hard-working man who many times can be very loving, but he flips like a light switch and I'm feeling that it is getting impossible to live like this. Needing serious help.
To all those that say "leave", you should be ashamed, abandoning a loved one is not an answer. When someone is yelling and angry about small things it is an Autonomic Anger Response. You need to understand it has nothing to do with you. To get started, don't threaten them. Tell them that the yelling is a deal breaker for the relationship, it is hurting you and you don't want to have to leave them to protect yourself. Tell them you love them and want to see them happier. Give them a deadline for some progress, like 3 months. Therapy is great if you can find a good therapist but it is very expensive. There are some good books that will work almost as well because it has more to do with his desire to change and hold on to you than anything and once given the information on why he is angry and yelling, he has to make the change.
To all those that say "leave", you should be ashamed, abandoning a loved one is not an answer. When someone is yelling and angry about small things it is an Autonomic Anger Response. You need to understand it has nothing to do with you. To get started, don't threaten them. Tell them that the yelling is a deal breaker for the relationship, it is hurting you and you don't want to have to leave them to protect yourself. Tell them you love them and want to see them happier. Give them a deadline for some progress, like 3 months. Therapy is great if you can find a good therapist but it is very expensive. There are some good books that will work almost as well because it has more to do with his desire to change and hold on to you than anything and once given the information on why he is angry and yelling, he has to make the change.
First of all. Stay safe. Avoid confronting your husband when he is angry or getting angry. It may not seem like it now, but this is a serious problem that only gets worse--at the very least with long term consequences to your child's adjustment and behavior. It is NOT your fault. YOU can't change or do anything to please a person with an anger management problem. He or she must decide to change and recognize what he or she is doing! Do not let the situation continue. If things aren't too bad insist he as an individual get anger management counseling. If things are worse, watch it!!!! Be careful of marriage counselors who like to say the problem is 50-50. It never is when 50 percent of the couple has an anger problem. Consult a good marriage counselor if that what it takes to convince your husband he needs to do this before you can work on your relationship together as a couple. If things are beyond this, you may need to talk to a police officer, or volunteers from a battered women's shelter, hospital, AA group, or safe house for advice and find out how to plan an emergency exit and have money and a place to go without announcing your plans to your husband.
Don't listen only to friends and relatives, or other posters, no matter how well meaning they all are. You can get some good advice that way, but getting professional help is much better, safer, and more effective! Again, it may seem safe, and if may be, but even so, it's still important that you Do NOT confront your husband with anger when he is already angry. You do not know how far he might go--and he might not know either until he has. You may have to leave the house to be safe and save the relationship. I hope things aren't that bad, and you do not have to. Good luck.
Don't listen only to friends and relatives, or other posters, no matter how well meaning they all are. You can get some good advice that way, but getting professional help is much better, safer, and more effective! Again, it may seem safe, and if may be, but even so, it's still important that you Do NOT confront your husband with anger when he is already angry. You do not know how far he might go--and he might not know either until he has. You may have to leave the house to be safe and save the relationship. I hope things aren't that bad, and you do not have to. Good luck.
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