Anger Management Community
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Avatar universal

my 21 year old son gets angry

please could someone help me, my 21 year old son moved back home last year after splitting with his girlfriend, he treat her badly after having a few drinks, he has never worked and has no interest in doing anything, hes not even getting any money and constantly asking me for some, if i refuse he gets threatening, sometimes smashing things and punching walls and doors, i know he is lying to me bout things, and im too scared to confront him, cos of the fact i am scared of him. im in my late 30,s and my life revolves around him, all i want him to do is get a job so he can have his own money to do what he wants instead of relying on me and others. thanks
11 Responses
1152782 tn?1451105026
Call the cops.  Get a restraining order.  Tell him that when he cleans up his act your more than happy to bring him back into your life.
You don't need this! No one deserves to be treated that way.  And quite frankly he will never change unless he has a reason to.
May God bless you!!
Avatar universal
This is totally unacceptable.  He needs a job to pay for damages in your home as well as to support himself.  Would your son listen to you if you gave him choices which included the restraining order if he doesn't comply with setting rules for him?  Do you have any male figures like a  brother, uncle, friend that would back you up?

You should not have to live like that.  I agree with ConnieG.  He won't change unless something motivates him to.  Realizing Mom isn't going to put up with brutality and recklessness as well as being irresponsible.  $ doesn't grow on trees and he has no right to bully you into giving him yours.

Tough love!!  One day he will be thankful you stood firm.

Keep us posted, please.
535822 tn?1443980380
Time to let him go, no more money , tell him he either toes the line and respects you his Mom or leave, he is an adult .Its up to you he wouldnt be able to behave like this uless you allow him  .So get tough he stops this behavior or hes out, if he seems threatening then call for help,
Avatar universal
thankyou for your reply, i know what i should do, but its difficult, he is my son and i love him dearly, i have a partner who is there for me, but i dont like getting him involved, because it has always been me and my son, but my life has to start sometime
Avatar universal
You are welcome.  We know you are in a hard place.  I don't know if you heard in the news that a 29 yr. held his mother hostage for about 6 hrs. because she wouldn't iron his clothing.  I posted it last night in the current events group and another member posted it today in the same group.

It seems unbelievable this could happen, but it does.  Now it is really serious in his case & he will get some help.  It is hard for a parent, who I believe is hostage before a crisis happens....hostage "emotionally" because he/she doesn't want to lose the adult child by having them turn against the parent.  But it never helps the adult child to let them get by with tyrannical behavior.  

We are pulling for you as you make your decision.

144586 tn?1284669764
You need to contact the police and adult protective services. A lot depends on your local police department as to how these things are handled. But go there to the local police station in person early in the morning rather than make a telephone call. Make a report and get the report number and the name and shield number of the investigating officer.

Do not let them put you off and not make a report.

He is a man and an adult and his conduct is unmanly and totally unaceptable.

I know you love him, but he has crossed a line and it is time for "tough-love".

There is no reason for you to fear or get a knot in your stomach. You have no responsibilities toward him.

It's time to get on with your life.
I am a mother of a 21 year old male as well. I filed for divorce last year, and he has treated me disrespectfully since then. He has screamed and yelled at me for ten months now, and after breaking things yesterday I had to call the police on him. He is of course mad, but I don't care. We have our house for sale so hopefully I can move away from him soon. I was wondering if there is some sort of recreational drug that would heighten his explosive behavior?
1360950 tn?1277660203
Boy, this is going to be hard for you but absolutely necessary.  I agree with everyone else, have him out of the house even if it takes the police to escort him out and have a restraining order put against him if necessary.  You are going to have to make a committment and not give into him or else he will manipulate you everytime and learn which of your buttoms to push to get what he wants.

He is a grown man and will need to decide if he will live on the streets or get a job like the  rest of us.  I would also suggest he get some counseling to help him...again, that is up to him.  He will probably refuse but at least he will know of a place to go for help if he needs help.  You can google 'free or low cost mental clinics" in your area to find a location.  The Federal government gives states money for these clinics.  I have no insurance and live on disability and I get to see a doctor, therapist and get my medication for $60 a month.

Your son may be Bipolar?  I am Bipolar and I have times that anger comes on so quickly I have no warning.  I take medication and it helps to control my moods.  However, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  If your son starts hurting enough he will go for help.

It would probably be a good idea for you to get counseling also.  This is not going to be easy for you and a counselor can give you skills to get thru this and understand what to  expect.  As hard as it will be to  refuse your son, it is important he learn to take care  of himself and that you take care of yourself.
Avatar universal
I have read the comments and I am a mother or a 21 year old.

He can be smart, if he "needs" to.  2. He can do what really needs to be done.
ie:) shower, shave, clean clothes, new shoes.  However...  Since he has been in the compfort of "living at home", he finds it easy to do whatever he pleases., for example... I bring home a gal. of O.J.  he will drink out of the top! He thinks if he does that, that nobody else will drink from it, making it all his!!  I am "fedup"!!!  I can not hit him!, I can not even touch him, that much even a slap!!  It makes me crazey.  However, that's the way it is.

I  do not want my son to have a "crimminal" record.  He must understand how much I "love him"!!  I belive that he is young, and impulsive, and he has no body to  show him the "other".  Yes a "role model".  His dad is his dad, but not in the sense that he has "patience".

I need a group, or some time of "regimeented" program that will keep him "street savy and diligent" so that he can be himself and maintain what's important.  He's smart, and good looking, tall, and athletic.  i want him to realize his "good qualities".   All I need is someone to show him the importance of basics.  He can move on from there.  He's not all that bad.  He's my son.

A loving mom
Avatar universal
If you want your son's to be responsible & be the men you want them to be, than this is a big part of it. You must show him that you will NOT be disrespected, and kick him out of your house. He will still know you love him. He has to learn to grow up & be a "real" man. He needs help and you can help him by not continuing to condone the behavior you write about. I know that seems so harsh but so is the real world. You deserve your respect as the loving mother you are. Good Luck to your family.
1444901 tn?1284753542
To all moms posting.

I am 25 years old and struggled with bad anger problems for years until God intervened and has been softening my heart since then. This kids problem is a condition of his heart and there is nothing his mother can do to MAKE him change. Like you have said, he wont change until he has to... Mother, you are loving him further into anger. What your doing is perpetuating the problem, not solving. Do not ask for advice if your not willing to try it. Its like your son wanting money but not willing to work for it... Its not time for "tough love" where you just yell him out the door. Its a conversation that must be made while your both in a good mood, atleast at the start of it. He needs to know that your not just kicking him out at the whim of a fight. Also telling someone they have a problem does not give them the power to stop it. Ever seen an alcoholic be told "just stop drinking" and then put the bottle down. Present the solution, and in this case my advice would not be to say straighten up or ill be forced to kick you out. he has shown the ability to be violent and ,manipulate you into thinking he will change. he wont. You must do something here. Take it from me. I was the 21 year old anger problem... You need to lead by example as well. Want him to go to church. you must go to church. want him to be calm, you must stay calm.
Avatar universal
I'm in the same boat,but I'm the step dad"the one who take all the blame" no matter what happens he blames me.my life is so unhappy because of him.and he don't care for or about me cause I am and always be just his moms boyfriend and will never be more than that,has even told me he will do what ever it takes to separate us. So if you think your life is bad then come walk in my shoes for a day. Stepdad
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