Afraid of myself and losing control

[rosslynnie]

I've been quite scared of myself lately, I've suffered from anxiety for a couple of years now and usually they are along the lines of hyperchondria so I was never suicidal, hence no one took it quite seriously. But recently, for the first time ever, I'm starting to have terrible thoughts...things like I would look at my window (which could open outward fully and I'm on the fourth floor) and think, what if I can't control myself and jumped? Or I'll be crossing the road and think "what if I just stopped here and the cars came towards me?" I know I wouldn't hurt myself intentionally, or, rationally, but I'm increasingly scared that I might lose control and just sabotage myself without meaning to. I'm really scared of going mad and not being able to control what I do. Like the other day at the supermarket, I was feeling so anxious and edgy, and I was really scared that I might start screaming and jumping around and throw things off the shelf... I practically ran home.

I'm very prone to tears at the moment, every little emotional thing sets me off and I've been crying at least once every two days. Sometimes it takes a good long cry, sometimes the tear doesn't even drop it's just the release of something pent up...I don't know how to describe it, but I feel slightly better and calmer afterwards, though not for long. Surely I can't cry all the time?

I'm a Uni student going through exams at the moment, so there is the element of added stress. But somehow I can't see anything beyond exams - I wake up everyday and I would feel fine, and I start to feel more and more blue during the course of the day, it's often worst in the evenings. (especially with gloomy weather we've had in london in the past couple of days)

At the end of the day it comes down to this...I just want to know:

1) Is anyone else feeling anything remotely similar?
2) Am I going mad? Will I actually lose control and hurt myself? I'm really scared of this.
3) How do I stop myself from bursting into tears over every little thing?

Thank you so much, I would appreciate any kind of support...sort of really need it now =(

[travism363]

What you are having is something called an “intrusive thought” and they are very typical of people with anxiety and OCD such as myself. These thoughts are described as unwanted and coming out of nowhere. You are not going mad, and a lot of people face these thoughts but are better at removing them. Have you seen a therapist?

[Paxiled]

All thoughts are unwanted and come out of nowhere.  I've always felt that the label "intrusive thoughts" is like so many labels diagnosticians use nowadays -- unhelpful, don't add anything to what has long been the treatment of anxiety and depression, and created to sell drugs.  I mean, do you know where any of your random thoughts are coming from, good or bad?  It's probably not that important in the long run, but I fear that a lot of people get worse by labeling themselves instead of being themselves, which is the underlying problem of mental illness short of psychosis.  Just a thought.

[Belen1234]

Im 11 and I have felt the same.ill see some movies or what people say and Ill be aftraid of doing that and over thinking everything the negative side and afraid that ill go crazy and just do what they were talking about and I'll be afraid of doing that.

[meiwolf3]

i feel my heart racing all the day , it really hurts , i don't know what's happening to me , i just want it to stop , i remember that i was acting normal just like any other normal human being , i was happy , but now , my heart hurts a lot , it's like i am afraid of hurting myself ... i don't know what to do i just want my life to go back to the way it was before , pls tell me what to do .

[AnxiousNoMore]

Have you had it checked by a doctor and what was the diagnosis?

[Gtegg]

I feel you I have recently become separated from my wife of 20 years I have an 11 year old a 5 year old and a one-year-old at me never know my name because of some bad choices that I made I wasn't mad at them not anymore she says I was abusive but it was only verbally I feel that forgiveness should be somewhere in the future but it seems hopeless and I feel everything that you have spoke enough and I'm on the verge of not stopping through that window I don't know what to do I don't know who to talk to and I don't have anyone I hope that someone out there can help please someone

[Paxiled]

This is an old post.  You'll get more answers if you make a new post.  As for what you're going through, it's a bit hard to tell because the message didn't come through very well, but you've been around long enough to know that time will soften the blow if you just let it.  As for fixing it, you don't really say what happened, or if your wife wants it fixed.  If so, couples therapy might provide a safe space to discuss things, and if you are in fact abusive and that's the heart of the problem, some personal therapy for you to work on this might be helpful as well.  If you've been married 20 years this isn't the first curve life has thrown at you and you know by now that you have to use these tough times to learn from and that grief takes a long time to weaken.  I urge you to make a new post and if you really do feel you're going to do something you truly don't want to do, seek help immediately.  

[simmerkitty]

I know exactly how you feel. I have a really big anxiety but now another one is added on. I'm so afraid I'm going to snap one day and hurt myself! And I can't stop imagining what everyone would say, and all the mourning people and it won't get out of my head and it puts me in tears! I don't know what to do. I am also only 13, so I'm already emotionally unstable and this just makes it worse. I'm also afraid I might hurt someone else like in my family. It's so scary because I would never want to. But I also get mean thoughts and then I feel so guilty because I don't actually think these of other people! I don't know what to do. I'm medicated for OCD and anxiety/depression but it's only decreased the intrusive thoughts a little bit. I don't know what to do! But know someone else is going through the same things, I promise.

[simmerkitty]

Okay whoops my keyboard is being weird?? So all the i's are messed up..

[joshwelt2]

THE SAME. AND I FEEL NO ONE IS EXPERIENCING WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. IT STARTED FROM JANUARY WHEN I STARTE EXPERIENCING SOME SERIOUS SYMPTOMS OF MALARIA AND ANEMIA AFTER MEDICATION THIS PANIC ATTACK(ANXIETY CONTINUES AND I DONT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING MYSELF. IRRITATIONAL THOUGHTS, AFRAID OF DEATH, THINKING OF WHEN I WILL BECOME OLD AND DIE BY ALL MISS.. I REMEMBERED INITIALLY THAT WAS NOT HOW I WAS SO WHAT HAPPENED OR HOW DID THIS CAME ACCROSS MYSELF.. IT HAS REALLY STOPPED ME FROM LIVING MY LIFE , I'M 16YEARS AND SOMETIMES WHEN LEARNING IT FEELS I WILL BY ALL MISS DIE SO LEARNING IS NOT IMPORTANT, FEEL LIKE LOOSING CONTROL ANYTIME. FEELS LIKE I DONT HAVE A FREE WILL. BEING CONTROLLED.. WORDS CANT EXPLAIN... HAVING BAD FEELINGS... FEELING LIKE IT WILL BE LIKE THAT FOREVER AND FEELING THAT THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN PREVENT. WEAKNESS AND TIREDNESS AS WELL.

[r0ja]

I know this comment is way to late, but I know how you feel. Lately I have also been basically losing control of myself. I've had depression and anxiety problems since I was about 7/8. I am 15 now and a couple weeks ago I just stopped in the middle of a busy road. I didn't really know what I was doing, but a car almost hit me. Thankfully someone pulled me out of the street before I was hit. I've been having a lot of the same thoughts you were having. I'm sorry for this extremely late comment. i hope that it can help someone out a bit.

[jero2]

Well I had the same thing happening already twice in my life. Both times it happened when I was in stressful situations - the first time when my brother died and the second time (about a year ago) when I lost my job and at the same time my girlfriend left me. Both times the anxiety and worry was at first mild but in a period of few months it grew and broke out of control. At it's highest I was having weird obsessive thoughts about making involuntary suicide, going mad, hurt somebody else etc. I knew all the time that these thoughts are irrational but I was still scared to death and could not take control. I went to psychiatrist the first time and they diagnosed me with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) kind of anxiety (purely obsessive type of it). But I must say that I do not really believe this categorization - in my opinion many different types of anxieties are always mixed in a blend that cannot really be categorized. In my case I'm also having social phobia, generalized anxiety, etc. The second time I went to psychologist and personally I recommend this option (I feel much better now than a year before). The psychiatrist did a little more than just giving me the pills - the pills worked but obviously I did not solve anything. In order to get rid of this you need to change the way of thinking, change old negative thoughts and beliefs. And this takes time - but you can and should take it as a challenge. After all the anxiety response is a natural response that is intended to save us from real danger. The problem seems to be that we are often not able to differentiate between real and imagined danger. And once the vicious circle between the negative thoughts and symptoms that in turn reinforce the negative thoughts begins - you are quickly out of control and scared to death. As I see it now - the most important thing for getting out of the vicious circle is accepting that you can never have things (future) under control. Whatever will happen you cannot control, the only thing you can do is to try your best and then accept whatever comes around. It is all you can do and nobody (not even you ;) should expect more from you. When you truly accept this you are saved - but it can be a long process, a process of spiritual growth. There are moments now that I feel even thankful for going through all this - because it made me a completely different person - more loving, compassionate, open, warm etc. It is also very important to understand that nothing lasts forever. Therefore you should know that you will be OK, it will take some time but if you will try hard you will succeed without doubt! Take care and all the best!

[Calvin34]

Wow. I know this is old but I'm so jealous of the space you are in, in your life. That is great. You give so many of us with anxiety and depression hope. Just your post makes so much sense that we all feel like we too can find that spiritual growth to let go and let God! Amazing post. Such a blessing. I'd like to know a little more in depth how you got to that place if you have time. Again...GOOD FOR YOU!! :)

[Yogi25]

I had the same thing when I was in elementary school I tought that I would eat a staple or eat a block and choke on it but the brain won't let it trust me so don't worry about that

[Jojoradio]

Hey :)
I know this is 5 years later, but I went online in search of help because I'm feeling the same way.
I'm 15 yr old girl and for the past month or so I've been feeling really bad. I've been having really frightening irrational thoughts, and I'm afraid that I'm going crazy or that the thoughts will get to me.
I guess I have anxiety too.
This anxiety prevented/prevents me from making friends I believe.
I went to a new high school and I sat alone for a few months and struggled really badly to make friends.
Today I've lost connection with my old friends and have only one new aquantince.
I feel terrible sometimes and I'd like to know how you're doing today.

[aheart]

  I am not a professional but there is a name for imagining yourself doing things you would normally never even fathom. Don't worry! The people that have such thoughts never actually do it. It is just your imagination running off a bit. If you keep having the thoughts enough to where its bothering you or interfereing with your life please see a therapist and they can get rid of them or show you how to control your thoughts.Maybe the tears are because you feel so out of control, but your not really. You have alot of anxiety and could benefit greatly by seeing a psychiatriast. Not because you losing your mind, you just need some tips on thinking positive and some reassurance. We can scare ourselves to death (not literally!) with our thoughts and some need help with it, its nothing to be ashamed of. You may be helped also with some medication for anxiety, you will be very happy you did! You don't have to suffer like this! Good Luck to you, you are going to be just fine. :)

[nano520]

I actually feel exactly the same,. but the base for my feeling is that I've been abused as a child and now, after decades that happened, I'm affraid i do the same. sometimes I feel like breaking things or pulling everything off the place they are. It is absurd since I have never abused anyone or even thought of it before. I need help. I want to keep on controlling my life. hope I get it.

[MMahon]

What you describe seems to be symptoms that are very common to depression and anxiety.
You are going thru a stressful time and that is very frequently a trigger for these to get worse.
Is there a doctor at the school you attend that you can talk to?
If not, I suggest you see a psychiatrist for what you are experiencing.  They are the best equipped to deal with the problems you are experiencing.
You are not going crazy and certainly not alone in what you are feeling.  As I said, your symptoms are as typical to anxiety and depression as sneezing and runny nose are to a cold.
Seek help soon...you'll be glad you did...
Let us know how you are doing.

[communicate]

this is a little late, but provided you're not dead yet:
i'm not sure about the tears. but the rest sounds like someone who is realizing that the world he is living in is by no means as secure as everyday life tries to make him believe. in addition to that you may be a person who likes to be in control of things, too much, maybe. now, provided the stress college exposes you to is too much for you to handle (and / or other aspects of your life), your behaviour could be your doubt about how many aspects of your life you really have in your hands. those are less than many people think. i think the way for you to get a hold of yourself is to let go.