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1155933 tn?1262355065

Caught between 2 men! Anxiety on the rise! HELP!

I am a 22yr old female, who suffers from anxiety/panic disorder. I have been going threw alot more stress recently..falling for another man, while im w/ my b/f of 4 yrs etc. This other man is also very serious about me and we have even made plans to move in together. Everytime i try to tell my b/f however i chicken out. I start having panic attacks and back out of it. Which results in me telling this other guy i cannot see him anymore, and once the panic attack passes im left still feeling in love w/ him and missing him like crazy. I cant keep doing this. Im only hurting this other man, myself , and the person im w/. I almost feel like my current b/f is some sort of security so to speak. He understands my anxiety so well and i no if i could never work again he would take care of me. I dont want that kind of life, i want more than anything to be dependent on me again. Im stuck in a rut and its driving me crazy. Someone please give me some advice it would be greatly appreciated. Also can worrying to much about things make you go crazy? Will panic attacks really make you go crazy? what are some things i can do to overcome this?
13 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi Jen , I too suffer greatly from anxiety and I have to say that your gonna be stuck with it until you make your decision ...like break up with ur bf  or what makes YOU happy. Its more like a concience thing . I can also tell you that you will not go crazy trust me I have that fear a lot just be glad that you at least have a reason for anxiety cause some have it for no reason at all ( generalized anxiety) good luck and god bless please tell me what you think about my advice I feel for you
, Joey1134
1155933 tn?1262355065
Thank you for your time to answer my post. I DO have anxiety for no reason, panic attacks that come and go for no reason. Lately they just have been coming on more frequently w/ all the stress added to my life. It is reassuring to hear that i wont go crazy, i sure feel like im going to sometimes. Thanks again and  i will let you no how im doing. you hang in there as well. I will keep you in my prayers.
968908 tn?1274874715
I'm afraid to say that you can't have your cake and eat it, this is totally unfair to your current partner and it seems that your trying to say that if you didn't suffer from anxiety and panic attacks then you would be totally fine with this, but as it's stands the only concern you really have is your anxiety and panic!! and how to control it.  Both you and your bit on the side know what is going on but your partner does not so i'm going to say that you deserve all the guilt you are facing right now and should be ashamed of yourself for treating someone who trusts, loves and supports you like he does only to do this horrible act behind his back.

Avatar universal
I say drop both of them until you learn how to handle both your anxiety and your urges.  I think what it shows is you're too young to want to be in a committed relationship so you're open to whatever comes along, but you get stuck on people because of your anxiety when it seems what you really like is the ego trip of having guys fall for you.  There's nothing wrong with that, but it appears to me to show you're just not ready for commitment yet but keep getting committed because you're afraid to be on your own.  Not good for you, and really bad for the men whose hearts you're going to keep breaking.
1155933 tn?1262355065
You do not no me to say such a terrible thing. I deserve the anxiety? Nobody deserves anxiety. I've suffered from terrible anxiety for years not just because of my current situation. This is not normally me, a cheater, i dont want to play anyone or hurt anyone. I love my current b/f im just not in love w/ him. My anxiety is making it very hard for me to leave maybe because i consider this home ive lived in for 4yrs my safe zone. Not sure but i sure as hell am not doing this intentionally. I love how people label you a cheater or a bad person just because you are seeing someone else behind someones back. Things are sometimes more complicated than that. Its close minded people like yourself that do not understand this. Tell me you have never made mistakes? ok i believe that one alright. Dont be so quick to judge people when you dont no what that person is actually going threw.
968908 tn?1274874715
Ok, i am one of the most open minded people you will ever come across and i will try and help and listen to anyone and everyone, but and i mean BUT i will not sugar coat my words when someone is doing wrong and it is plain and simple that what you are doing is wrong.  How can you say what you are doing is not intentional?  You have made the choice to lay down in this other mans bed and get close to him emotionally.  Yes of course i have made mistakes in my past but as soon as i have realised that my actions are causing harm or someone is harming me i have been responsible enough to correct the situation so that damage is of a minimum but by the sounds of things you just want people on here to tell you this situation is ok, when it isn't.
Look, believe this or not i am being a true friend to you by talking to you like this, cause its only really when someone tells it exactly how it is that the penny drops and action is taken and that action is in my opinion needs to be to stay away from the other guy and really take time out to decide what you want...although my concern right now is mostly for your current partner, i do have to say i feel extremely sorry for him as there he is at home trusting you  proberly thinking your having a great time with ur girlfriends etc and your at this other guys house cheating, cause thats exactly what your doing!!  Ohh n I didn't say you were a bad person, thats your guilt talking there.



968908 tn?1274874715
ohh and thought id add if you can't take strong comments from people on this forum or any other forum you really shouldn't of posted....if you had wrote this on the relationship forum i KNOW you would of got hammered to a pulp on there and got no sympathy what so ever...cause at the end of the day cheating is cheating!! sorry to be so harsh but that life.
968908 tn?1274874715
This post is by MrGreen but i kindly let him post from my computer and here is his take on your situation.  

So we can all cheat because we have anxiety? That makes it fine. We use the excuse of a safe zone? So does that mean she now has 2 safe zones? And she doesn't want to give up either safe zone. Because she is getting pleasure out of both safe zones. Hurting someone is not pleasure. So safe zone number 1 should no longer be thought of as a zafe zone. It is more a deceptive zone. Because all the person is doing is telling lies to her lover. What's so safe about that? Cheating is cheating. Anxiety of not. Time to step out of one safe zone and move into the other one. If that is the answer. But someone will be hurt as a result of it. If it means her anxiety increases then she gets what she deserves by creating the situation. Her lover didn't create ask to be treated that way. He deserves the truth. To be let go and get on with his life. Find someone who will respect him for who he really is. Someone who won't look for excuses to cover up their wrong doings.  
1155933 tn?1262355065
Look i think this is all a misunderstanding. At least some of it. I am hurting inside very much so. I am not saying that im not responsible for some of that hurt because i no i am. The past 2yrs of our relationship have been awful. He stopped wanting to have sex w/ me, just basically no affection what so ever. I have talked to him about this over and over and over, in the end result nothing changed. I never did get an answer as to why he didnt want me in that way either. This is extremely embarrassing to admit for the whole damn world to see, but thats the truth. Never in my wildest dreams did i ever think i wouldnt be wanted in that way. I am not an ugly person, nor is my personality. I am a very caring person, and i have never cheated before in my life. I dont want that either. I want one man and one man only. I am not getting my kicks out of this thats for damn sure. I'm NOT saying my anxiety is only coming on because of my situation either, i am just saying that whenever i try to leave (because my boyfriend is AWARE of what happened) i cant leave. The safe zone thing i meant was a question for someone to answer. Could the reason why im having a hard time leaving be because i consider this my safe zone DUE TO MY ANXIETY? Because I DO SUFFER FROM ANXIETY not just because of cheating. I am confused i cant remember a time that ive ever been this confused on what i want. I have no clue what to do. I really dont. But for the record i am not a bad person, or a cheater, well i am but this really isnt me. I have never done this before, ever. I dont no what else to say just that i felt i had to clear up some things.    
1155933 tn?1262355065
& yes you are right about what you said, you being a true friend talking to me like this. I'd rather the truth, even though sometimes its not what you want to hear.
968908 tn?1274874715
You have shown a very sincere side of yourself by writing what you have and i just wanted to ask you how long have you been with this other man or how long has he been in your life? I ask this cause maybe on some level your partner already knows that you have found happiness else where but for his own reasons can not bring himself to end the relationship but at the same time isn't able to express his love for you cause he is so hurt or can't bare to touch you cause of you being with this other man.  Do you have children together, you and your partner? as this could be another reason why he doesn't wana confess that he knows about the affair, cause then thats means something drastic needs to happen and maybe means walking away from his children.  
Maybe at the beginning of this affectionless stage it had nothing to do with other guys maybe he was going through a mentally challenging period that caused him increased stress and so affected his sexual performance but as time as gone on it has developed into what it has today..... I know i'm just guessing on this and throwing you explainations that may be 100 miles from the truth but i'm trying to look at this from another view entirely. But the one thing i do know is that even though he may not confess to you that he knows, deep down inside he proberly does.
I too suffer greatly from anxiety and so understand how hard it can be to gather strength to do the right thing but i feel that in your case you need to sit down with someone, close friend, family member etc... someone who knows the whole situation inside out and confide in them.  They will be able to advise you far better on whether to pack up and leave your current partner or stay, than anyone of us on this forum....
The situation you are in needs that personal touch..... so do you have a close friend, family to confide in?  Would they be able to help you?

1155933 tn?1262355065
yes i have my mom who i have been talking to about this, she just wants to see me happy...whichever choice i make. She agrees that i cant be doing this to either guy and its wrong. me and my my b/f dont have kids together, and the other guy i have been seeing has only been in my life since november. I am just so confused on what i want, i have never been this confused before. I no i need to make up my mind, its hard. Sadly its like i find things in both of them that i need, and i need to find that in just one, if you no what i mean, dont no if im making much sense. Im so scared to leave here for some reason, thats all i can keep thinking. Something is keeping me here, its not love either, i think of this other man constantly when im with my b/f. I realize this sounds horrible and is horrible. Just dont no anymore what to do. Thanks for all your help with this post. I really appreciate your time. Sorry for some of the things i said before you were just giving it to me straight. Thats what i need.
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