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2175820 tn?1337912919

Cause of My Anxiety? Help or Advice?

Last year I moved half-way across the country to be with my bf. During that time period, it became apparent that was an alcoholic, found out he'd been cheating on me since before I moved in with him and later on found out he was a meth user. Over the course of 3 and half to 4 months, we stayed at 3 different places. One being a meth dealer's house (I ended up having to use backyard to go to bathroom sometimes because front of the house was occupied) and another being his ex wife's house. At one point I was living with him, his ex wife, his two teenage kids and his ex wife's mother. I ended up in the hospital from getting MRSA (first hospital stay overnight, was in 6 days on antibiotics through IV 8 hours a day). I attempted suicide at one point. His lack of caring that I was watching him talk to other women online/on phone really hurt me. We had to walk everywhere cos he didn't have a car and sometimes I'd go a day or so without eating. I tried meth twice myself but quickly found out it wasn't worth it, although I still crave sometimes. After returning home, my mother has told me I've become much more violent and angry. Everything bothers me. I can't go a day without crying. I made it to 11:30 pm one night and then got upset and cried. Got even more upset because I saw I'd almost made it a whole day without crying and then screwed up.

I have violent outbursts (police have been called before), snap at almost anything, no matter how small. After these outbursts, I'll apologize and cry with a sense of extreme self-hate for the things I've done. I try not to act on these feelings but it's not easy. Since I've returned, I've also been experiencing various other symptoms, including physical ones. I've never been diagnosed with any mental issues really in the past other than ADD and depression. I have a wonderful bf (of almost 7 months) that has been my best friend going on 3 years now and I don't want my anxiety problems to get in the way of our relationship.

I feel spaced out almost all the time, shaky, increase in heart rate and also pounding heartbeat, pressure behind eyes almost all the time, headaches, panic attacks (that I've never had before except maybe 2 in my entire life up until my current age of 20, now have had about 5-6 in the past month or so), fatigue, racing thoughs, can't concentrate on anything, got my 1st grey hair (bf said stress-related probably) and insomnia (lucky if I can sleep at all and when I do sleep about 4 hours at a time, usually broken). There are other symptoms but I won't list them all right now. I was just wondering if the prior relationship (of lack thereof) could have triggered this anxiety? I feel disconnected and lost interest in most things. I emotionally hurt my loved ones and I know I love them but I can't seem to feel that love for anyone but my current bf. I know that's not right and I feel horrible for it but I can't seem to get things back to the way they were.

When any little thing goes wrong, I feel like it's been ruined and I tell myself in my head that it hasn't, that thinking that makes no sense but I can't shake the feeling and sometimes will go into a panic attack. If I'm in the car, I have to take off my seatbelt until I can calm myself (which in itself can be dangerous). Start feeling claustrophobic, wheezing, etc. Typical panic attack symptoms, I guess although I know not everyone has the exact same symptoms. I don't have any insurance to get helped or checked out and psychiatric help is pricey. I'm not quite sure what to do. What I want most other than these feelings to go away is just some answers. I'm scared that this could help cause me to ruin my life. I don't wanna end up in jail for a stupid mistake or angry outburst I feel I can't control. I also know that these angry reactions have now also become habit and even if I am able to get help, I'm going to have to work extremely hard to get out of the habit of returning to my anger.

I often feel overwhelmed and when speaking, my thoughts have become unorganized. I can't keep on track. Lack of concentration is becoming increasingly harder to deal with. I feel I am slowly (more rapidly now) going insane. I can't continue to live like this. It is driving me nuts.

If anyone could offer any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thnx.
12 Responses
Avatar universal
It not only sounds like you have depression and anxiety but, possibly PTSD too. Do you have a family Dr you can see? Maybe he/she could talk to you about possible meds. I would also recommend calling your local colleges to ask if they have a counseling program. My daughter goes to her old college for counseling and it is very inexpensive. They work on a sliding scale so, if you are not working it may cost almost nothing.
2175820 tn?1337912919
I do have a family doctor I could see. She went to college with my mum so she may allow me to talk and see what she thinks. I mean, it couldn't hurt. Ty. And I had looked and read more about PTSD, which is why I gave some of the background. I needed another opinion from someone who knows. This is all new to me. I appreciate you taking the time to answer.
Avatar universal
That would be great if you could see that Dr. I'm sure she would be a good person to talk to about what's going on. She may be able to give you some ideas as far as counseling. And, she may be able to get you started on meds.
So you do know about PTSD? You're already ahead of the game then. So many things you posted made me think of that.
Hang in there, okay. You are already taking steps to get better.
2175820 tn?1337912919
I checked out the things on this site. I looked at PTSD first because I have been through some troubling times over the past year. I've been through other things, Mum got breast cancer, grandad died, parents were divorced all with-in a year of eachother but this was when I was around 8. Nothing ever hit me like this. Then my uncle died this February as well. I felt he was the only one in my family that really loved me and accepted me for everything. No matter what I did, I know he loved me. He always reached out to me. And he shared my love of music, which is what's keeping me alive. My bf also shares my love of music and has told me, "I've two loves in my life." He said that to wind me up lol Then he says, "You and music" and smiled. That's off the subject really but he does make me happy. I know I can't rely on others for my own happiness though. I'm going to give the doc a call today, if I can. If not, I will tomorrow. Thnx :)
Avatar universal
It's no wonder you're feeling the way you are. That is an awful lot for one person to go through. I'm so sorry about your uncle. What a terrible loss. You're boyfriend sounds great. You sound like my daughter. Music means so very much to her. All different kinds of music. It really makes her happy and helps her anxiety and depression.
I hope you're able to see the Dr soon. I really think the right kind of therapy and possible meds would make such a huge difference in your life.
I'm always here to listen and help anyway I can. If you would like to talk about anything please feel free to PM me if you would like. I had no idea you've went through so much more than your original post said.
2175820 tn?1337912919
You know, I really appreciate that. I'd love just to have someone from the outside to talk to. I mean, the inside of the outside. That makes no sense but I dunno how to explain lol I guess someone that doesn't know me right now really but understands what I'm going through. Yes, that's what it is! And yeah, I love all sorts of music too. Metal, rock, punk, trance, very little dubstep, rap, some dance, some pop, very very little classical. I love music and different forms of art in general. I find if I put on some trance music and imagine my bf's arms around me, I feel safer and more calm. My bf lives in Scotland and I'm in America. I'm trying to save up to go see him. Was trying by our anniversary but lack of funds makin' it look like that won't happen. I was so messed up last nite, so down and depressed. But my bf helped me through it. I'm trying to learn to stand on my own but right now I just don't think I'm ready. That doesn't mean living without him, of course. Just that I know I need the ablilty, in the case that we don't work out...
480448 tn?1426952138
FIRST and foremost, let me say, I'm SOOOO glad you got out of that horrible situation with your ex-BF.  He sounds like nothing put a piece of garbage!!  I'm so sorry you had to endure that hell!

I agree that you sound like you definitely have something going on, one of my first thoughts also (with the anger issues) was PTSD.  Panic disorder could be another possibility, but with that, it's rare to see associated outbursts of anger like that.  Anything is possible, though, because like you said, everyone is different.

MY advice to you is to explain what has been going on to your doctor, and then ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.  He/she will be able to PROPERLY assess you and pin down an accurate diagnosis.  We could guess all day long, but a specialist will be able to narrow it down to what is plaguing you.  Then, he or she will be able to discuss with you treatment options, which absolutely should include therapy, and may include medications.  You have gone through so much, you need to explore your feelings related to all of that, plus a therapist will help you learn coping techniques and ways to deal with your issues, like the anger.

You have taken the most important first step, which is to reach out for help.  You do NOT have to settle for the way you've been living.  Things can be so much better for you, and you deserve it!

Very best to you, hon, please let us know how you're doing.  Your among people who really understand, and care.
Avatar universal
I do understand exactly what you're saying. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know but, can relate.
Really, you love art? Me too! There sis just something about a piece if art, not all of it of course, that can make you feel something. I've tried to collect some pieces over the years. Ones that make me happy and speak to me.
Music is amazing is'nt it? How it can change you mood.
Oh, that would be so great if you got to see your boyfriend soon. He sounds like such an understanding and caring person. It's kind of rare to find a person like that. If they have never been what you've been through and can't relate, they just don't care. Not all people but, many.
Thank you for commenting on my pictures. I posted them because I want people to know I'm a real person. Ha ha!
I'm glad Nursegirl posted to you. She is great and so knowledgeable about so many things.
2175820 tn?1337912919
Ty so much. I appreciate that. He was a jerk. Well, beyond jerk lol But I'm being really nice haha I'm doing what I can. I wasn't able to make it to doc on Friday cos she closes early and isn't open on weekends. Hoping to possibly make it this upcoming week.
2175820 tn?1337912919
Yes. I love taking pictures. I like drawing too but I'm not so great at it haha I enjoy writing lyrics, singing, poetry and long walks on the beach rofl XD
Sorry, jk about that last bit lol Well, I'm not but I am. Anyway! My bf is an extremely caring and understanding person. I tried to explain to him that I think why I get upset, not really at him and not because of him but because of my reaction. I get snappy sometimes...Erm, a lot. And my bf's strategy, as he explained it, is he doesn't really know what to say so he doesn't say anything and gives me time to cool off and think. Although, it does work, it puts me through Hell in the meantime. I think I realize why I feel I'm ignored so much now though.

My ex used to ignore me. He stopped sitting by me, wouldn't kiss me, touch me, wouldn't even sleep next to me (not only because he did meth and couldn't sleep a lot). He just kept on his phone and laptop. We sat outside drinking for HOURS one nite. He had his phone. I just sat there, watching him cheating on me. He looked up twice the entire time pretty much and didn't say two words to me. I never got any answers either, no matter how many times I asked. I made a fanpage (very mean one) on FB for my ex as an "Actor". One of his exes got in touch with me and told me about him. I was suicidal and she asked if I really wanted him back. I said yeah but then she told me what he said about me behind my back.

I was crying, suicidal and miserable, in physical, mental and emotional agony and all of a sudden when I'd read what he said, I just started laughing. Like somebody flicked a switch and I could look at pictures of him without crying, without feeling anything. I thought that was me getting over him. Now I think it was just it pushing me over the edge of insanity...When I was with him once, I was depressed so I cut myself. He looked at my wrists and tells me I did it the wrong way and laughed. I wasn't trying to kill myself...One nite I did take the last 12 of my blood pressure pills I was on. My chest hurt all the next day and nite. I was trying to kill myself then. He looked at the bottle, told me, "That won't kill ya." and threw it on the table. Then went back out onto the porch with his damn phone...

I always yell at my mum for being on her phone constantly...It's like, that's a huge sore spot for me is being ignored cos someone is on a phone. Being ignored is a big issue for me, period. I think it's all leading back to Joe. What I told my current bf is that it's not that I'm comparing him to my ex in any way, I never would or could do that. But although I know he isn't ignoring me when he doesn't message back, I still take it that way. It makes no sense and I don't mean to. I told him, I think it's just that it reminds me of Joe and that's why I'm like that...I don't know. I really can't explain. His reply was something to the effect of he doesn't really understand but he either said wants to or cares. Probably said both, knowing him. My bf was drunk at the time but so was I lol

I really don't want this to hurt our relationship. I screwed up my first relationship (the good one, the one that got away is how I used to feel before my current bf), I can't lose another great man because of my temper and emotions. Most ppl can't even find one. I've been lucky enough to find two. I believe Scott is my second chance. I've loved him before I ever met Joe tbh. But we were both afraid if we said something and the other didn't feel the same, things would get "weird." He's been my best friend for 3 years. I think he knows me more at this point in time than anyone does. My 1st ex used to know me better but it's been years and I've changed in ways. I am still friends with my 1st ex though. After 6 years, we're still good friends. We can go months without talking and pick up where we left off (in a friendship way) like we just spoke yesterday. I was like that with Scott too though while I was with Joe. Strictly as friends, just very close friends. But Scott was the only person I'd video chat with those entire 4 months. I broke down on cam and cried day before I left to move for to be with the ex.

Told him I'd had a crush on him. He told me he had on me too and I was really shocked. Then after I came back from Iowa, Scott posted, "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" by Michael Bolton on my FB wall and I honestly can't believe how blind I was lol Even after that, that was the first inclination I ever got that maybe he just really, really liked me. I felt so stupid but yet so good. Our song is "Become" by the Goo Goo Dolls. The lyrics describe our relationship perfectly and how it was. One line says, "And I can't be the stranger that's been sleeping in your bed, just turn around and come to me." Still makes me cry sometimes.

Sorry, I know that's a lot of reading lol
480448 tn?1426952138
You've been through so much at such a young age, and I think getting professional help will assist you in turning all of the this around.  With your devil or an ex, you HAD to internalize so much, that you probably just got used to it.  So, you still probably do that, until you can't hold it in anymore, then come the outbursts of anger.  I'm willing to bet that when you have these moments of rage, the littlest, most insignificant things set them off...things you are NOT really angry about, they are just triggers.  Am I right?

While you are waiting to see your doctor, there are a few things you can do to start turning things around.  Exercise is one of them.  Even if you just start taking a walk once a day.  Exercise releases endorphins, which are our body's natural "feel good" chemicals.You can gradually increase the intensity of your exercise, but again, if you can at least take a 30 min walk once a day, that will help. If yo're in good shape, more intense work outs will really help with that anger.  If you have a gaming system, like a Wii, you could invest in one of the fitness programs, like "Wii Fit".  It's a great way to exercise without ever leaving the comfort of your home.

Also, when you feel yourself getting angry, instead of being destructive, or saying hurtful things to those who care about you, walk away.  If your on the phone, just simply say, "I have to go before I say something I'll regret, it's the anger talking".  Then, walk it off, punch a pillow, scream, cry, let those emotions out, but not directed at anyone.  When the anger finally subsides, and it will, then you can resume your conversation with your loved ones.

Avoid any activating type substances, caffeine, etc. Alcohol is also NOT a good idea, until you can get to a better place.  It is a depressant, and will cause you to feel depressed and anxious the days following a binge.  It goes without saying that any illicit drugs are a bad idea too.

Start journalling, keep track of your feelings, write them down.  If you feel angry or sad, write about it, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense at the time.  If you feel good and are having a good day, write about it.  Describe how you feel and what kinds of things you were thinking about at the time you were feeling a certain way.  

Look around this site, there are all kinds of trackers and tools you can use to help you track your feelings.  If you have an iPhone or android, there are apps you can download that function in the same way...ways to track your moods, thoughts, etc. "My mood tracker" is a great app for the iPhone.  You can also do a google search like "anger mood trackers" and you get all kinds of resources, printable diaries, trackers, etc.

Start researching different books about anger, trauma, etc.  There are a million out there. Your psych will be able to recommend good reading material as well.

There are all kinds of things you can start doing to get the ball rolling until you are being seen professionally.  Youi'll be amazed at the progress you make, even with little things on your own.

You'll get there, it's just going to take some time and some work on your part.  The most important thing is, you WANT help, and you WANT to change.  That's half the battle sometimes.

We're here for you, keep us in the loop!  Hugs to you!
Avatar universal
I really can't add much to what Nursegirl said. She always gives great advice.
I did see your art and photography. You are really good!
Hang in there, okay. Things are going to get better because you want them to and you also want to put the work in to it, and it is work.
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