Constantly worrying. Checking. Doubting. Questioning who I am

[helpseeker323]

hi, thank you for helping before I start.

I am 21 male and all my life considered my self a heterosexual person. I want to start by saying I have been in some really fulfilling relationships with girls. I have been told that I have anxiety problems but I want to get to the route of this now has Im not sure if Im gay or its denial or HOCD or what and its so draining and tiring I just want to get on with my life what ever the outcome of it is.

It all started after I broke up with my girlfriend of about 3 years. I have never had a problem with getting errections or any thing for girls. But I am now at university and untill this break up have only slept with 2 girls. So any way it comes to the time to sleep with this next girl and I have to use a condom and for some reason Im not sure if its nerves or what I dont get properly hard. I mean I still have sex but Iv not experienced it and I didnt even ejaculate I had to pretend. I was all happy until in my head it poped up, "what if your gay?" I have never thought this and now this pops up. So I go to the doctors to ask if this is a physical problem and ask her about if I could catch or develop being gay? I know that sounds very naive but I was panicing. She told me to relax and that I new I wasnt and to just stop worrying.

So any way these thoughts continue and as stated I am at uni so the done thing to do is "have sex with lots of random girls" but I would find my self drunk on the dance floor hooking up with girls I didnt think where hot but just for the sake of it and in my head going "just do it I know you dont want to but its the thing to do" these thoughts then made me think am I gay if I dont want to hook up all the time like some guys?

It was massively effecting me, but I spoke to my best mates saying how I was scared that I was gay and didnt know. Im not scared of the social stigma, I can handle my self my parents would be fine and my mates would still be there.

It then went from here and I had sex usually drunk with more girls some fun some not fun. Until I started seeing some one, as I trusted them more and got more comfortable the sex was good and my "hard" erections started coming back. I started to chill more, taking a hey **** you thoughts. I forgot to mention these thoughts are in my head constantly, your gay, your gay, you fancy him. I was like no!!! but why do they keep coming. Eventually I would shut my self in my room feeling so low over all these thoughts and check gay porn to see if I got hard. Then Id check straight porn get aroused then go back to gay porn to see if it stays or go down. I would do this for ages some times never getting hard over gay porn but feeling a weird nervous feeling around my genitals. Then Id get scared that I can subconsciously control my erections and that I just dont want to over men because I might be in denial?

Any way this stopped and I kind of got on top of the thoughts but reading online things I then thought what if not having them means your accepting being gay? I would then think when I got the thoughts that I am subconsciously having them to prove it was HOCD and not admit being gay? So tiring all of this.

Any way I met a girl on holiday we had sex and for the first time since a true love I have fallen in love. Sex is great and I feel confortable. Until these thoughts come back. "your lying to your self', 'you just want to be in love but secretly your not" I then have to check constantly.

I cant look at men or watch films with guys I consider good looking as I have to constantly check my penis to see if its aroused. Its so embarrassing some times.

I now wake up in the night checking my self to see if I have an erection, I will wake up aroused like most men do and check and as soon as I check my brain goes that was over a guy! I hate it. If Im gay I just wanna know so these thoughts can leave me alone. I then check gay porn and dont get aroused but then check straight porn get aroused (some times not has hard) but then my brain goes your just using that to cover up having looked at guys.

heres the thing, I wouldnt ever want to be intimate with a guy or share the things I have with them like I do with a girl but then if this is true why am I constantly checking.

Another thing you should know is when I was about 7 or 8 I used to lie on top of a boy that was a good childhood friend we would be naked and I can remember being aroused. I however was at an age where I thought I could get pregnant from doing this so was scared. so very young but Im thinking have I been gay all alone after this? I feel I was at an age that if my parents walked in I would know it wasn't right, but we never had intercourse or any thing I just think that we were young experimenting. But again this could be a sign that I didnt know. If it came to a thing like that now I wouldn't like it.

I was never questioning or thinking I was different as a kid and I was always enjoying sports and hanging out with my mates when I wasnt being bullied.

Any way Im sick of constantly checking to see if Im aroused over guys or staring at men for uncomfortable amounts of time to see if I get turned on. I hate this and I just want to know.

The other thing is I couldnt bare not having my girl friend now in my life. She is amazing and for the first time I feel properly in love, I hope this isnt just a lie to my self.

I get nervous and sad thinking of sex with men and happy and hard when I think about girls.

I constantly check the internet for answer daily.

Sorry for it being so long, this has eaten away at me and I just need help.

Thanks

[remar]

You're very welcome. The above poster is right, if you were gay you would know it.
Are you in college? The reason I'm asking is because colleges sometimes have counseling available to students and past students. If you're not, call around to your local colleges to see if they have counseling programs available. They would on a sliding scale depending on what your income is and it can be nothing to extremely affordable.

[caycay46]

First off your thoughts are all over the place. CALM DOWN. Secondly, you do not seem to be experiencing homosexuality. I am a homosexual, and you can tell when your gay because you are attracted to males (I have never even questioned my sexuality, so if you are questioning it chances are there is some underlying issue going on). You seem like a very anxious person. You you seem to be having obsessive thoughts. Please get therapy, and possibly see a psychiatrist for the anxiety before you drive yourself mad. Good luck, hope I was able to give you some good advice!

[helpseeker323]

Thank you for getting back to me.
Yes I have tried but I have very little money to do so. I asked one off the recored and they talked about CBT and when I spoke it did help and they went all the way back to when I was bullied but I guess I feel Im trapped and nothing will help

[remar]

It does not sound like you're gay at all. It sounds like a possible OCD problem to me though. Have you thought about counseling to help you deal with these thoughts? I think it would really help.