i might also add that i also have A.D.D. and take the TEVA brand of clonzepam/klonopin. i function at a very high level when my panic/anxiety is in check. i just need to get better this time AND STICK WITH THE THINGS THAT GOT ME BETTER! i believe i've learned my lesson on the maintenence part of anxiety. relaxation/therapy/exercise etc... these are going to be life long things for me, as with my A.A. program. i've only been depressed once in my life, that is when the business deal mentioned above went bad/the 1st semi agorphobic phase that i pulled out of. the business was my whole life basically, i had no balance. i took no medication for this. i just sort of rode it out, did postive things and it went away and i got better.
i also might add that i never fully got treatment for this disorder and stuck with it. i believe that's why this time it has gotten so bad and harder for me to come back from.
"yesterday i drove on the highway, as i did a few times after church on sundays and i had a panic attack i would rate at about 8.5 out of 10 on the horrible scale. it only lasted maybe 45 seconds, but was dreadful. i was pissed this happened."
I know this post was director toward Ryan and I won't comment on the meds but I do want to focus on this segment of your post.
You say that you are using Lucinda Bassett's program with your agoraphobia, well this post negates all the good work you're doing (and also runs counter to her program!) Remember do NOT get down on yourself for having a panic attack on the highway. Praise yourself for getting out there and doing it, despite the fear. Relish the fact that the P/A only lasted 45 seconds and you made it through!
Only good thoughts, mystruggle!
my point is. that i did it very successfully a few times before. and then BOOM! horrible yesterday. i know i'm making progress. i know i'll always make it through. but wow. from doing good and having no anxiety after church to a pretty significant one. makes me wonder... either way i'll get better. i just want to make sure i'm doing it in the most efficient way possible. it's almost been a year and i'm just making it to the highway now. talk about baby steps..geeesh! seems like when i did it after church, the meds blocked the panic. i felt that little bit of adrenaline in my legs, but that's it....this time it was that feeling of unreality and confusion and that surge of energy through me. but progress is being made ;) like i said..i just want it to be the most efficient progress i can get my hands on. thanks for your input...you are right...11 months ago i couldn't ride my bike around the block....haha.
bumping up..hoping for a response...
i also might add, that since i've been on the klonopin i still have been a nervous wreck while driving. it's just barely enough to get me out. i read in a previous post ryan that the klonopin took away 90% of your driving phobia.i'm wondering if .5 TID is the way to go. once i'm desensitized, even around my own town... (WEIRTON, which is ironically about 25 min. from you ryan) i know i will be fine and everything will fall into place. it's happened before. just harder this time, for years i've done this all on my own. never a single med at all NEVER. i seemed stronger in the past. maybe i'm expecting to much from the med. 45 seconds of hell isn't that bad. but i think that never being relatively comfortable outside the home and driving might warrant the TID dosing...
all other comments are welcomed!
bumping again.....come on buddy log on!!! wisdom is needed!!!
thanks for your response ryan,
i knew you were close by in washington. drovers has the best wings ever! if you don't know about Dee Jay's restraunt in weirton and you like ribs, then you are really missing out! best ribs on the entire planet hands down!
i jumped ahead when i wrote my orginal post, the panic attack that "changed my life" was the one i had in jail, for stupid things i did when i was drunk. it seems that anger preceeds each of these panic or agorphobic episodes. then it went into remisson for a few years, in which during that time, i was fine. i could do everything but fly on a plane. i drove to pittsburgh and did shows in front of 20,000 people with no real problems at all. i drove to cincinnati and all over. no problem. i had less responsibilities then. now i run my business, have large car payment and more bills. back then i was care free, working making ends meet and just doing music which i love. i also had a girlfriend back then and she has anxiety/panic also. i would consider these the best days of my life so far. everything was great. sober, girlfriend, relaxed, making some decent money. then i got ripped off the money in that business deal and was angry again for a month straight, i'm coming back from pittsburgh and BOOM! panic, led to agorphobia etc....
i'm seeing anger playing a HUGE role in all this. i'm sure i have some subconcious conflict or something, but i can't even begin to figure that out. i mean i was raised by 2 hardworking parents, who are still married, they gave me everything i ever wanted in life and more. stood by me through the bad and good times and still are. i have good friends in and outside of A.A. i'm a pretty succesful guy with business, good looking, so girls aren't a problem and i'm really talented when it comes to music. i've won national contests and have been on stage with the likes of 50 cent, jay z, and all the big hip hop stars. (was screwed out of a record deal i was promised by one of these guys too, i won a contest and they didn't deliver, hmmm maybe cuz i'm a white guy from WV haha) i'm currently working on an album, but i'm sure you can see how the agorphobia, panic is hindering that.
unconscious/subconscious unresolved issues???? don't know what it could be. i'm sure there some baggage there. between jail, an edgy father, a worrisome mother, alcoholism and some bad experiences in relationships. but other than that. i wouldn't have a clue. but like i said. i was spoiled and when i don't get my way or feel betrayed (friends snitched on me to put me in jail, BIG TRUST ISSUES HERE, but i have since forgiven them and moved on) i get angry and in A.A. i learned that my ego and pride are a big problem, but have since deflated alot of those things.
right now i feel i LOVE my life, agoraphobia is depressing but i'm not depressed, but not happy either,i have a lot of opportunites and dreams to fulfill, but the panic is really my only dilemma right now.
i have contacted a therapist/psychologist that deals with anxiety and knows CBT. i've decided to see her weekly from now on. i does help to talk things out. so you are on the money with that one.
the only other problem i can see consciously is me never being able to keep a schedule, sleep schedule, relaxtion schedule, workout schedule. this is attributed to my A.D.D. but actually none of that bothers me when i'm not have panic attacks. haha i actually think the A.D.D gives me my creativity at times and it doesn't really hinder me to much at all. i have people to help take care of bills and stuff like that for me.
so i guessl i'll see what me and the therpist can uncover. i really don't know what it could be though haha. fear of abandoment? trust issues? unconditional love? scared of success? scared to fail? who knows...thanks again for the help. but it does worry me that i might never be able to figure this out with the help of a therapist or not. and this will keep happening. i'm a real go-getter with dreams and hopes, i dont' just talk about them, i do them. i'm honest and willing to do whatever it takes to stop this cycle of anxiety panic. thanks again ryan. big help. i'm gonna keep my does at .5.mg daily BID but use another .5mg or .25 when i'm practicing desensitization. if that don't work i'll go up to .5 TID with that and weekly therapy i think some great progess can be made. i already know the relaxation techiques etc. like i said 10 years at all this. just gotta do them. no where to go but up. cuz i have come far in less than a year....later brother!