Avatar universal

Fear/Constant thoughts of dying

This will be my first time posting in this forum and spilling my guts online.

Every year or so around the January-March timeframe I start to panic about having cancer and thinking I'm dying.  It's gotten worse and I cant kick the thoughts - makes me feel terrible and I constant ask my wife for reassurance and I know it has to be getting old.  Here is my story:

About 5 years ago, after returning from a beach trip where I ate a lot of unhealthy food, I had a blood test done (yearly checkups) and my liver enzyme was off, which caused more blood tests and an ultrasound of my liver.  The ultrasound apparently showed something on my kidney, which a future MRI showed everything was normal and a subsequent blood test showing my liver enzyme was back to normal (I found out through a lot of research that heavy eating of bad food can cause your liver enzyme to be elevated).  Phew, ok i'm going to live and everything will be ok.

Fast forward to a year later, now I can feel my lymphnodes in my neck so I go to the doctors.  Doctor sends me for blood work and everything comes back normal.  Apparently lymphnodes can stay enlarged and can be completely normal.  Phew, not dying - but it took me quite a while to believe that.

Same year, skin doctor removes a 20 yr old mole and tells me it could be melanoma - biopsy back a week later and everything is ok - phew, not dying.

Fast forward 3 years, I can now feel muscle in my neck that I can move with my finger (doesn't feel like a lump, just feels like muscle that moves).  I go to the doctors he feels it and says its just cervical muscle that can happen over time.  He sent me for a full blood workup and everything is fine - again, not dying this time.  Granted, everyone in my family has things like this (brother has nodules on thyroid that are completely fine, mom has benign tumor on throat, other brother had bone grow on top of bone and was completely fine.

Current day/time - All these things I feel I can still feel and although they haven't changed and that's what the doctor told me watch for, I worry daily that im dying and that the end is near. Add in to this mix that ive completely changed my lifestyle as far as what I eat and have been exercising heavily - I lost about 10 pounds over the last 2 months and now I feel that, "its unexplained weight loss" and im dying again.  Went back to the doctors, he took more blood and everything came back fine.  Although I can see my muscles better and theyre more defined, I can run faster/further, and ive lost weight like this before - I constantly feel like im dying and its consuming my life.

I cant keep doing this anymore, I tried Lexapro and didn't like the fact I was on medicine, so I stopped.  I went to a counselor and didn't feel like it helped.  My wife is a psychologist and attempts to help me everyday (god bless her soul), but nothing seems to help.  I've gotten to the point where im attempting to gain weight and have stopped exercising.

I believe I have a few triggers, my grandfather died from cancer a 10 years ago (very close to him), my uncle just died from cancer (not very close, but very scary).

Anyone have any suggestions because I would like to enjoy my life with my wife and 2 children that I seem to be wasting worrying daily?  I would greatly appreciate ANY help whatsoever.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Also, the biggest problem I face is that I feel like im going to die and wont be able to raise/watch my children grow, and spend the rest of my life with my wife.  It literally cripples me some days...
Avatar universal
wish I could just edit my post to add more things.

Also add in to my anxiety, about 10 years ago, I felt hard ball like thing on each testicle.  Had an ultrasound done and they were harmless cysts.  Sometime I will feel them and freak out and feel like ive been dying all along.
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Arlington, WA
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