I ain't no therapist. Or a doctor for that matter. But let us try and work out something. It will involve writing. Plus it will show you the connection between our mood, our thoughts, our reactions and the symptoms we go through. They are all entwined as one. One has a knock on effect on the other. So you begin with your mood. The next time you have a bad thought. What mood are you feeling? What is the thought? How do you react to it? What symptoms you feel as a result of your reactions? It is great to get an insight into the mind and see that we are bringing about all these things ourselves. You can do this for a while. Keep a journal. Even rate the amount of fear you are feeling. And the amount of depression you are feeling. Out of ten. Ten been the highest. But the whole idea is to try and see can we change one of the things that I mentioned? Could we have reacted in a different way? Thought a different way when our mood began to change. And we slowly try and bring in changes. Once we see from all the days we have written that we thinking negative things and making ourselves react in a negative way. I hope it is not confusing. It is just a simple little exercise that a therapist would have you do. One to see how you think. Two to try and get you to think in a different way. Let's look at the odds. One bloke died from drinking out of a broken cup. That is one person out of millions. Freak death. Very very rare. But you came to accept that one. If I am reading your post right. Now it is gangs and death. Do you live in an area where there are gangs? Lots of them? you see I would join some sort of group. Be it for a hobby. Something you are into. Just to take a few first steps back out into the real world. Social club. Camera club. There you will meet others. Like minded people. The more you interact with these people the more you will it is safe to be around people. I am not suggesting you ever walk through an area were a gang is hanging out. Even a person without your fears would never do that. Because they would be afraid. Logical to be afraid of gangs. But it is not logical to always carry the fear. You have to see that there are safe places out there too. Safe people to be around. Not sure if you have ever tried theraphy at all? It is good. Teaches you coping skills. But just a few ideas for you to read over. Others may add more to the thread. Hope things pick up for you.
Thank-you for your comment it was very informitive i will try some of the things you suggested and as far as seeing a therapist i have been trying i believe there is one at the clinic here but first i need to get though to them to make an appointment. yes you are right and i try to be logical about it thinking it foolish were i live is not the worst place even though cali is full with gang turf. But trying to think logicaly get shut off when fear fill moments occur and i begin to panic. The thoughts of life ending over whelm me i do try to win. But fear gives way to senseless anger. I'm not sure. Feel like a wuss and a weakling for being this way. but i dont know how else to feel