963648 tn?1410983791

Feeling Anxiety for no reason at all

I want to know what's wrong with me. For more than half a year I've been feeling a tightness in my chest, I'm super tired during the day, but have a hard time sleeping at night and I feel very lethargic all the time. The weird thing is that my life is better now then it ever has been! When I met my boyfriend 4 months ago my life finally became perfect. I stopped believing in a soul mate a long time ago, but now I know that I've found mine!

So back to the question at hand, why do I constantly feel anxiety symptoms when my life is so amazing and I have nothing to worry about?

Before my life started to become perfect (a half a year ago) I was having major depression. Work was going horrible, my love life was down the drain and everything wasn't going right for me. One night I had a small thought that COMPLETELY changed me! I'm not even kidding when I say this. I used to be so happy and sociable even when I was having a bad day. Even though I hate mornings, when I would get to work I would be happy, bubbly and friends with everyone! But this thought has made me not want to be in public, I feel heavy in my chest all the time, I have a hard time sleeping, and I felt like I honestly didn't matter.

Blah blah blah, same old depressing crap right? Ya it is, but I've had depression for years and years and never has it changed my personality to it's core until a year and a half ago.

One night I was sitting on my bed crying. Then this one, stupid thought came into my head that I regret having, "Why can't my life just work out for me? I've been trying so hard to be happy and brush off the bad. I'm a great person, but no one wants me!" Then a voice asked me a question, "Then why are you still here?" I said, "I don't know...If I killed myself everything would be better. Maybe I should....no I couldn't do that to my family and friends. They don't deserve that kind of pain." The voice said, "So the only reason why you're still here is because you don't want to hurt your family? If you didn't have your family then you would have no reason not to kill yourself because you have no real purpose here other than to make everyone happy. And you clearly can't make everyone happy. So you're worthless"

Immediately I stopped crying and I could feel everything changing. I literally stopped caring. I couldn't make everyone happy, so why even try? I just had to keep on living until something killed me, and I wanted that something to happen fast. So I started drinking heavily. Then started to smoke heavily. Just hoping that I could die without it looking like suicide. Ya, it was horrible!

Now I don't feel like that at all! I want to live and I want to be back to the way I was! But I just can't. That thought was so so so so deep in my mind that it has changed me! I want to get back to who I was before that horrible thought, but how?

What do I have and how can I have something impact my mind and personality the way that thought did, but in a positive way?
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963648 tn?1410983791
its core* There are a few grammatical errors. Sorry about that.  
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Avatar universal
OK.....I will start off by saying that not everything we hear is from our mind.  Now...moving on...you ARE important, you ARE loved and you WILL be missed so until the good Lord says its time for you to go, put your trust in Him and defy the negative voices that want to bring you down.

They are a LIE.

You are wonderfully made in God's image!
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