Giving up

[carergirl]

Hi all,
I currently care for my friend/partner who suffers from anxiety and depression and agoraphobia. She has had anxiety for about 3 years and has become agoraphobic for the past 6 months (doesn't like leaving the house, ca't leave house further than about 5 kms).
Lately, she has been very upset about her anxiety. She says she'll never get better. I try to tell her that she can get through this, but she just says No it won't. i'm going to be like this forever". I try to suggest things like going for walks, but she can't walk far from the house cause she gets anxious. I've suggested herbal medicine, but she has trouble taking anything, even panadol (hence she's not on medication). I've suggested yoga or meditation, but she's not interested. Same goes with deep breathing exercises.
I try to stay positive, but she has lost hope.
I just need some advice... what can i do to help? anyone else been in her situation? anything? she just cannot believe that she will ever get better.... any advice for medications? she really has a lot of trouble with them and will not take them. i just need someone out there to tell me if things are going to get better....

[Julie359]

She needs to see a psychiatrist, your saying you don't know what to do so maybe you should try the advice that we are giving you...your approach isn't working for both of you so you and her need to take a massive step and either go and see a psychiatrist or take her to hospital and get her admitted so they can start getting her illness under control..... to get well something needs to change and sometimes that change needs to be a big one, otherwise your gona find yourself in the same situation day after day, month after month, year after year, posting endless posts asking for help and getting the same advice over and over.

Look, i suffer from severe anxiety and agoraphobia, which causes depression, i have 3 kids and am a single parent with no help what so ever, i don't have someone by my side to help me in times of stress, it is literally me and my children but even though i am ill and have been extremely ill i am pro-active enough and determined enough to go out and get myself referred to the professionals so i can get better.  I reffered myself to a mental health team where i am currently getting CBT, which HELPS... I go to a day centre and join in with the relaxation and assertivness groups, and i have a list of all the emergency numbers i need and make a point of knowing exactly how to get there so i can get to them if i feel like i'm going to do something stupid, i have downloaded a couple of meditation cd's and relaxation cd's and i amke a point of doing this as part of my daily routine.  All of this combined is HELPING me to get better.....

It is easy to curl up in a ball and say boo hoo to the world but only she can make the decision to get well, goodness i can so easliy do that and spend all day every day in bed reaping in my own sorrow.... somedays i would so prefer to do that but i won't cause i want to live a life worth living and i want to get well.  

Psychologists can do alot more than talk therapy and i think you both just have not really investigated all the options open to you both, there is SOOOOOOO much out there that she can access, it is untrue, you just have to search and see.  

Personally i feel like she needs a massive kick into gear and a proper reality check, cause if she keeps going down the road she is she will proberly end up in hospital anyway on a section, or 10years down the road still locked up in the house crying for help........ You don't want that for her nor does she want it for herself, so stop and sit her down and have a VERY long talk with her and tell her exactly how it is, I would!!!! Then set a goal of what you both intend to achieve and go for it. Don't look back or hesitate... SHE NEEDS HELP!!!

[carergirl]

thanks for the advice.

she went out today to look at her van she recently bought and yelled out to me from outside. i ran out and she said she felt like she was going to collapse and she needed me. I never go anywhere without her. i haven't been on my own for about 2 years. I always have to be with her cause she needs me.
it sounds like im complaining, but i'm not. I just dont think that i help. i dont do anything except reassure her but im hopeless. im just hopeless. she said yesterday that if she doesn't get better soon she wants me to leave because she wants me to live my life. i told her im not missing out on much and she said i was.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i just want her to get better so that we can move on and do the things we used to do when she didn't have anxiety. we'd go out all the time, go to concerts, dine out, go to parties... everything.... we were working... i just dont know what to do... she wont see a phsychologist and quite frankly i dont even see the point. they dont even do anything except talk. we've been talking for 3 years about her anxiety!!
i just dont know....

[nell007]

you are an amazing person for sticking with her. Being a sufferer of anxiety (and at times mild depression) i know the strain that our loved ones and carers and family are put under. it is hard for us to see the other side some times.. esp for me once i did start the meds i felt i went to hell. it took me 7 weeks of trial and error before i found that they werent for me.. since i have been off them i have had the ability to do some research and found a few websites that have helped me heaps.. yes i still have some issues (mainly headaches and tension) but i know what it is and try to ignore it....
linden method and panic away have been my saviour.

good luck and stick by her no matter how things go..
this is a rollercoaster that no one deserves to be on...

[carergirl]

Thanks. I do remember you from before actually :).

It's pretty hard. She doesn't even think the psychologist appointments help. She just tells me "it's not going to stop the way I feel". I just want to stick by her because I know that when she is happy, she's the most wonderful person I know.

Depression does seem to have gotten worse. And you're right, she has issues with medication as she is worried about side effects. So much so that she almost has a panic attack just thinking about taking meds.

I justfeel like I don't know the answer. Everything I suggest she either shrugs her shoulders or tells me she can't. I feel like I'm not helping and that maybe shed be better off without me.

Thankyou for your advice. I will try to keep you updated when I can. (sometimes hard for me to get on here as I'm too busy running around :|)

thanks again

[Julie359]

Hiya Caregirl, i remember you posting on here before and a few of us giving you advice back then, me being one of them.  
I would say now it sounds pretty much like depression has set in and is causing her to feel like there is no future and no hope.  Her motivation is very low and has no interest in things that could be of help...these are all symptoms of depression.  The next step for her whether she likes it or not i'm afraid is to take her off to the doctor and get a refferral to a psychiatrist, as she needs to be assessed and a treatment plan set up for her.  The doc will not demand she take medication if she really doesn't want it, but by the sounds of things she doesn't really know what is good for her at the mo and so may need someone to take over her decsions to help her get better.  If she gets no professional help and the depression gets worse she may end up doing something silly to herself in a deseprate attempt to end all the pain and suffering that she is going through.  

Also there proberly is medication that she can tolerate just she is anxious about taking it just incase she reacts and sometimes being so anxious about takin a drug can cause side effects to happen, or what she will assume is side effects to the drug but in reality it is just a severe anxious response.  I personally feel a anti-anxiety or beta-blocker drug would be of great benefit to her, but now that she is having this depressive response she may need an anti-depressive med as well.  

If i were you i'd make an appointment first thing Monday morning for her to see the doc and drag her there is need be.  Plus just to be on the safe side get the numbers of the emergency mental health team in your area so that if she feels sucidual b4 you get her help you can ring them or drive her over to them to get her to a safe place where she cant harm herself.

Hope this has been of some help, let us know what you have done and hope all goes well.  Your a great person for sticking so close by her, she is lucky!!