Recently, just this year. Maybe the 2nd half of the year after I got home from Manila and enrolled for schooling, I had been very confident of myself, being humerous and out loud, people loved me, loved me being around them for I make them laugh and I felt that girls got attracted to me more than before, Idk one day I just got very confident and an optimist, very very away from negative vibes. Weird, unlike before, I was one of those kids which just goes to school because I have to, that I need to be educated and go home alone. Thats it, I dont have those friends at school, just my only circle of friends here in my neighborhood since then and til now, unlike normal kids they have friends everywhere they go. Growing up was pretty hard for me, having very low self esteem, it's like everyone i talk to dont want to be talked to by me. Others get to convince others easily, while its very hard for me and I just end up helping myself coz ill just get unnoticed and embarrased at my own self. I dont want to pity myself. But maybe that's just it for me. And as an adopted child which I havent felt coz my parents loved me and treated me as their own but its like I am caged here in my home, very very limited movement whether it be on friends( they keep on telling me to be in the cirlcle of the good ones but I guess they meant PERFECT ONES, the ones who just stays at home and at home only. Guess they wont survive in the real life series SURVIVORS) and financially, I just have my commuting allowance. :) I really dont talk too much coz I always get the feeling that they dont want to be around me. I even asked on yahooanswers if Cancer babies are one of the most hated signs. That was me before I got confident and optimistic one day and thinking, mmm weird. I got very very carried away by that change in me for maybe about a month after me and my girl broke up, and I noticed that also started when we started dating. Idk lol. Then the aftermath was worse, Its like all the goodness and happiness of me in that moment was its worst. As in worst. I even thought that Im gonna die. Idk if this are symptoms, I even thought there was an evil spirit following me everywhere. My paranoia started when there was this incident at my school while we were getting are clearance signed by our professors, then all of a sudden there was this girl which was possessed, then my classmate told me the experience of being possessed and it got stuck in my f* head. Its like its following me even in the safest place Ive known which is my room. One night, well its a.m already atually lol, when I decided I need to sleep and its 3am when I finished facing my PC :D. I lay down on my bed when suddenly the carton moved its as if its a diving board and some lizard jumped from it. Then I just thought that its just well, a lizard. Then I returned to texting my friends before I close my eyes then I heard the can on my table sounded its like something banged on it. That was the moment I felt frightened and just got stuck laying on my bed holding my phone and staring at that can on the table that is just infront of my bed so ofcourse its infront of me. Then ****, I havent moved my eyes for a couple of minutes and i feel like ive been staring at it for an hour. I havent slept til 5am, then I got a good sleep at 5am.
Now here it is. The climax. Lol.
Then that started my fear of those that dont exist but I actually believed in specially at that moment. Afraid of something evil spirit that I feel where ever I go is there. I was afraid I was going to die of that fear or that Im going to lose my mind cause of that. I started dreaming, dreaming a nightmare(before, I asked God to give me dreams coz actually I dont have dreams, I only have blank dreams which is sad for me before lol. Guess id prefer that now.) And that nightmare always and ALWAYS OCCUR WHENEVER I FALL ASLEEP. So ofcourse I also have the fear of sleeping. It lasted for a week I guess with the help of my biological mom. She talked to my spirit not just me lol so I guess I lost the Father at that moment. I thank the Lord, He has accepted me once again. As in thankyou our Father. Well back to my problem.After that, I noticed I have a difficulty in speaking, its like I feel somthing from my ear level down to my upper neck. Its like "nangangalay" in tagalog. I think in english. Its what u feel when u havent moved your feet or arms for too long, the want to move them but you cant because of maybe youre sitting with a narrow space where youre feet are placed. Its before the "CRAMPS" X) I also have the difficulty in breathing, my sneezing became worse, before it was usually 2sneezes only now I guess 5 or 6 in a row. I cant smell well as before. Its like my nose passage is blocked with the other passage small air to pass. Chest pains, I feel my heart beat more frequently now. Whether it be fast or slow and loud or skipping. I even experienced it waking me up, its like my heart stopped, Im just thankful It woke me up. Pressured head, its like having your eyebrows wrinkled when its very sunny protecting your eyes coz the heat is harming your eyes. Im having my hands shaking, its like getting nervous is an ALWAYS to me. My inside is in a panic. Whenever I do something its like Its my first time. Its like im never ever be getting used to it and that so frustrating to me. Its like all the negative energy f*cking bad vibes are pointing and getting inside me. I want to cry but idk I just cant. Before I can get easily influenced by inspiring quotes so I can cheer my self up and smile. But now its like its so hard for me to smile. I cant even remember the memory in order for me to get use to do something. It also affected my voice, when I sing. I cant hit the notes well as I did before. Gosh, this is really getting frustrating and insane. I have trouble concentrating. Its like I plan on something and it just keeps on repeating in my mind and making me feel like I dont know what to do, what to do first so its like I havent done this before but I always do it everyday actually. My mind gets really cloudy, I cant think well, I cant concentrate. And ive read the symptoms of ANXIETY DISORDER, god its so many, and I cant continue reading I feel like it makes my heart beat ******* faster. I guess 80% of the symptoms I have. Thats wats killing me to stop reading that article. I wanted to cheer my self up by reading motivational sayings, smiling, remebering the laughtrip times, but nothing seems to be effective. and every bad things that happen even its a small thing seems to stay in my mind for a long time. my neck and jaw hurts at this moment. It also makes it hard for me to socialize. its like it doesnt go natural. Im sweating as always I get nervous. I get nervous in situations that I think I dont need to. For example. the thought of me going to school makes me nervous easily even im still in my room dressing up. Its like i think of whats in others mind as I need to just think of whats happening at the moment. I cant focus. As I type now theres other things in my mind right now. If anyone could help. Im very thankful, coz this matters a lot in my life. Thankyou :) By the way if this will help to know what im suffering of. Im a lesbian butch. Idk if it has to do with abnormality in hormones, MOOD SWINGS that I believe I have overcome before but I guess now i still havent. I know I really like girls and want to have an upper op. and to be on T. But at some point, I still think I need to enjoy my feminisity. Im an open minded person and I dont close my mind and heart on any cicumstances coz only God knows whats the real thing thats gonna happen. Yea this is really too long. And im ending your sufferings here. lol. God speed and thankyou for reading. :) I hope someone could help me know the cause of this so I can properly overcome it. :3