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Avatar universal


Hey guys, this is my first time posting on here
well i feel i should give some background...i've always been  a "worry wort"..but things got bad, real bad and finally i was formall diagonsis with OCD in December of last year...i was prescribed zoloft...and well i didn't like the side effects so i would stop taking it for a while..then i would go back on it..then stop again...I know that's stupid to mess with the medicine like that...well now i'm on it..and i'm proud because i've stayed on it almost 3 weeks with out missing a dose.

well my anxiety is triggered by stuff....like i worry that my family is gonna die everyday, i think i diagonsis my self with a new illness everyday....right now it's the AIDS fear...so i think i've been seeing and hearing signs everywhere that i have it..like when i see a commericial relating to the topic i began to panic, or when i hear someone say something about it, i take it as a sign...it got so bad within the last week. I was wearing this shower cap..and my sister's friend told me i look ridiculous sitting there with it on, he said i look like Easy E...which is a rapper who died from AIDS...he said it twice...then i started researching stuff on the dieases since it's my focus at the moment...i'm literally consumed by it...i found out that one of the drugs for it's treatment is called "HAART"..well my last name is HART so now i'm thinking it's a sign that i'm dying from it..that my life is over..it seems like i run into everywhere..it's so bad i've thought about suicide alot lately.

HELP...am i losing it, do you think i should start telling someone....I 'm so scared people will think i'm crazy
5 Responses
Avatar universal
You have anxiety.  You sound like someone who has anxiety.  You are on the anxiety forums.  People with anxiety are paranoid that they have different diseases.  Look at all the signs of that instead.  It's clearly anxiety.  People with AIDS don't all look like rappers, nor do they all have last names that are AIDS treatments.  Remember that!  

Google your last name.  It doesn't bring up anything to do with AIDS, instead it brings up results that have to do with the Homeless Animal Rescue team!  Maybe its a sign you should join that instead of worrying about AIDS :)

Don't let the thoughts control you.  Try to get control of the thoughts and think about how silly they are.  (Thats how I cope with this sorta stuff)  

Hah, I sound kinda mean and controlling in this post, but don't take it that way!  I feel for ya!  
Avatar universal
Homeless Animal Rescue team, I'm telling ya.  How much more of a sign do you need other than a complete stranger randomly telling you to join it?  :)  

Feel better!!   Good luck!  
Avatar universal
you don't know how much reading your reply just meant to me...i actually just laughed reading your post..maybe i should join...i have let my thoughts drive me crazy..i haven't been going anywhere...stay closed in my room..i avoid anything that might bring me to think of it....i'm sitting here now shaking...
213375 tn?1202407400
I have had anxiety for 7 years now, and over the years at one point or another I have been absolutely CONVINCED that I have heart disease, heart arrhythmia, brain anyrism, leukemia, lymphoma, esophogeal cancer, colon cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, Autonomic Neuropathy, Deep Vein Thrombosis, Pulmonary Edema, Hyperthyroidism, and yes even AIDS!  I struggle with health anxiety daily and have Generalized Anxiety Disorder as an aside to that.  I wish I knew what to tell you to gain control over the obcessive thoughts.  If I had the answer to that question I wouldn't still be stuck in this same cycle for seven years.

But when I worried about AIDS I mentioned it to a friend who told me "if you're really that worried about it, go give blood!  They test every donation for Aids/HIV, and if it's positive they will call you and tell you not to donate again"  It was a winning idea but I have extremely low blood pressure and my body can't handle losing that much blood at one time, so I bit the bullet and paid for an AIDS test through my Gyn.  It was negative of course, and I immediately moved on to worrying about another disease/disorder without looking back.

I too see signs everywhere that "confirm" my suspicions that I really do have this disease or that disorder.  I no longer watch House because I would go online after every show and google the Signs and Symptoms of whatever problem the patient on the show had to see if I could possibly have it.  I no longer google anything relating to health issues because I was only making my anxiety worse.  Every time I would do it I would feel extremely anxious with strong anxiety symptoms and end up peaking in a panic attack shortly after logging off.  I also have health anxiety over the health of my husband and two kids, but my main focus is my personal health.

I can totally relate to you, and I know how embarassing it is to admit your fears to someone who just cannot understand how you feel for fear of ridicule.  Whenever I would confide my fears to someone and they had no comforting words for me because they just didn't know WHAT to say, I would assume the worst and be convinced they thought I was a fool.  I have learned that unless I'm speaking to someone who KNOWS what this is like, I cannot expect them to be able to help me or to  understand how scared I am ALL THE TIME, and it's enough for me that they are willing to listen, no matter how lame their responce is.  

I have thought many times over the last 7 years that I wish WHATEVER is wrong with me would go ahead and kill me already, so I can understand where you're coming from in that you want this s**t to end.  I think you should tell someone, anyone, that you've had suicidal thoughts lately.  Tell them everything that's been going on with you lately, your inner thoughts, and your fears.  It is important that you address these thoughts immediately.  You may even want to google your medication and see if they are known to promote suicidal thoughts, as I've heard some anxiety meds have that side-effect.  I don't take meds, so I'm no expert, but I think it's worth looking into.

I hope you have an "up" day today and that you take comfort in knowing you are not alone in feeling like you're going to die, but have been told it's only anxiety.

Take care!
Avatar universal
hey guys..thanks for the support...it was kinda a "up" day...i did freak out a little, but today was the first day in 2 weeks i left my house...

believe me its hard..like it seems when i freak out over something i see it, hear it everywhere....like i feel if i don't worry about it, then it will happen, and stupid stuff like today on the radio they kept talking about HIV/AIDS on 97.9 kbxx , which made me freak out...i don't watch medical shows, i can't even listen to songs by artist who write about the disorder

let me explain how bad it is, then you can see  and tell me if others are like this.

so i dated this guy for a lil bit. his name was brandon...well after dating for a min i added him on my myspace, so i had to search his name, of course their are hundreds of brandons, so i type his full name, there's hundreds, but the first one i see is this gay guy from sanfransico who's headline says "support me in the AIDS bicycle ride benefit"...so i freak out that my guy i'm dating has it, also i then go to his page and he has a picture of Easy E. so i think wow another sign he has it....well we stop dating...months later i had a falling out with my dad, which i think triggered something, i then thought i now have advanced HIV...that's when my sister's friend made the comment i look like Easy E with the cap...i research stuff all over the internet, google, webmd., ask, wikipedia...symptoms..freaking out...i'm i going crazy..this is how bad the anxiety is, to where i don't sleep, i cry, freak out, stress out, stay locked in my room. and sadly suicidly..
its so bad, i was staying at my sisters, and she gave me a picture of my uncle robert who passed away june 26, so i thought it was a sign i was about to die on that date...
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