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Avatar universal

HIV anxiety

Okay. Heres the deal. Im 21 and have been with multiple partners. I was "molested" when I was younger. I have it in quotations because Im not really sure if it was. I was around 11 or 12(cant really remember) and willing participated in sexual acts with a family member who was a little older. I know they feel horrible about it. Id like to believe that I was too young to understand what was happening and beg for forgiveness. Now its almost a decade later. My life is in ruins. I have constant anxiety and guilt. I smoked weed everyday and drank. I have no interests in men sober but everytime I would drink I would drink in excess and have high risk sexual encounters with men off the internet. The last encounter I had was several months ago. I have been tested for HIV using UniGold. I tested negative but literally I walked out the door thinking the test messed up or it was "undetectable". I constantly have a fear of HIV. I know what I have done in my life is very dispicable and im trying to change myself. Please dont judge me harshly. I dont even know how im still here. Im wondering if my high risk behavior has anything to do with my past. Also, is HIV Anxiety a real disorder or is it part of something else. Thank you. I am on no medication but used to take antidepressants that didnt work.
7 Responses
Avatar universal
Noone will judge you.  First of all, it takes courage just to seek help and share your story.  You did the right thing by getting tested in my mind, but do you have access to therapy?  In my opinion, it could get down to the root of your guilt and start the healing process.  It definitely can be a very long, hard road, but you can definitely get there...keep us posted!
1348686 tn?1310657843
For some people anxiety over medical conditions is common (I am one of them).  I always think I have one thing or another.  I would suggest that you see your primary dr and get a physical and full bloodwork.  I know that is scary.  If things come back good then you will know for sure and save yourself lots of endless worry....If in the off chance things come back not so good you can get treatment and begin to move on with your life.

I agree that therapy might be good for you.  It is always nice to have someone to vent too and they can teach you breathing techniques and other coping skills.  

You posted here so that tells me that this is something you want to deal with and that is great.  I hope things turn out well for you.  Keep us posted....
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your response. I know I need therapy badly but they are so expensive. I'm in college and work a part time so needless to say I'm broke. Even if I did go to the doctor I couldn't bring myself to tell them what I have done. I'm just too ashamed. I'm destroying myself with regret and worry and I know it will probably be like this for the rest of my life. I do have a primary doctor that gave me 20 mg of prozac 5 years ago but I stopped taking it suddenly about 5 months ago because I knew it was doing nothing. Do you think I should try to get a new medicine or will medicine just hide the underlying cause? Im told prozac is pretty strong but I felt nothing from it. If therapy is a must ill have to do it.
Avatar universal
hi,
i just have a suggestion just don't mention the fact that you had it with a family member no one needs to know this, you can just say a random guy and as for your guilt if you really wanna seek forgiveness then ask your lord for repentance as he's the most forgiving and merciful. now idon't know what faith are you from but in islam the Lord almighty says I love those who repent and I would forgive you as if it never happened. so as long as your ashamed and are willing to repent consider your self forgiven.
1398919 tn?1293845204
First of all:
Most colleges have a counseling service for students. It's almost always free.

A far as the medication - Not every medication works for everyone - Prozec worked for me for a short time - then the sexual side effects drove me crazier than I was to start. And it does nothing for anxiety - just depression.

what do you have to lose by your misery, by buddy?

Ike

PS: Shame is not a very productive emotion, although it is real. Seeking an online support group - like the abuse community here, for example, might be a bteer start.

And it is not at all unusual for those of us who were molested as children to have confused or incomplete memories.

i call mine "Hitting the Wall".
Avatar universal
If you have tested 3 months post the exposure .Then you have a conclusive results.

If you need further advice post your question in HIV prevention or HIV anxiety forum.There are people like Teak , Lizzi and Mike who  will provide nearly expert advice.
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