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HOCD? Going to see a psychiatrist this afternoon.

I have had irrational fears/obsessions all of my life.  From fearing that my father would die in an accident, to my autistic brother drowning (a big one, to me blurting out racist words that compulsively form in my head.I remember, from an early age (6 or 7 being the earliest), being on the schoolbus and making up prayers or 'conversations' to God, asking him to spare my mother, brother and father from anything that would cost them their lives. I was CONVINCED that I would be contacted at school, that the teacher would tell me someone had died.     I've been suicidal before--believing that everyone hated me--analyzing every situation to the point where I have been paranoid that everyone believed me to be a horrible person.  I've felt the need to constantly ask for reassurance that I'm not being annoying, analyzing every slight facial movement to indicate some sort of disgust.

The worst of these obsessions, however, are the ones that are sexual in nature.  When I'm actually secure in who I am, I'm worried that I'll contract (or have contracted) an STD, or that I may find out later on in life that I'm sterile, when I'm not worried about sterility I'm afraid I'll become pregnant if I come in contact with ANY of my boyfriend's ejaculate--even though we don't have vaginal or anal intercourse.(which resulted in a mini nervous-breakdown last summer, resulting in me shoplifting dozens of pregnancy tests, something that I feel deeply guilty for to this day) I've worried that my boyfriend doesn't truly love me, that he's using me. I've worried that I'm some horrible pervert liking incest or pedophilia or bestiality--thoughts that horrify  and disgust me.  

These thoughts are paled in comparison to the fears of being a homosexual or that my boyfriend is a homosexual.  Seeing a television show when I was 12 where one of my favorite characters (Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) who I had personally identified with come out of the closet scared me--was I a lesbian? Mind you, the same year, I had gone through a major crush on a guy--the typical writing his name and mine over and over again on my binder and publically mooning over him.  I was distressed for the rest of the night.  Over the following years, these thoughts would occasionally show themselves but they weren't nearly as distressing as they are now--I was able to shrug them off and continue on with my heterosexual fantasies of which I had many---throughout my teen years I was constantly reading romance novels, chatting up men online (dangerous, I know), writing erotica, and dating men who I always fell head over heels for.  My senior year of high school however, it came back with a vengeance, I began having intrusive thoughts about homosexuality--analyzing my own poor body-image and subsequent constant comparison with the fear that I might be 'checking girls out.'  This was (and has) been further aided by the mere volume of individuals I've known to come define themselves 'bisexual' and my gay male best friends--I wondered if I was "drawn" to these people because of something within myself. If I acted like a lesbian, if the books I read were written by lesbian authors, if my preference for female vocalists was strictly a homosexual thing to do.  The approaching college year frightened me--I had this innate fear that I would develop a crush on another female, specifically my roommate---these thoughts disgusted (and continue to disturb) me. I had a severe nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide because I couldn't stand *not* feeling the natural sexual and romantic attraction I have had with males. I felt NUMB and completely unlike myself, everyday would consist of me compulsively taking every 'are you gay?' quiz online.  I was never hospitalized because my parents told me that they would refuse to let me go to college if I continued acting the way I was.  I somehow was able to pull myself out of

It's been almost two years since my senior year of hs and I 've been able to carry on a relationship with a man whom I've loved voraciously for 2 years.  The first year of college we were seperated at two different schools--it's here that I became obsessed with HIS sexuality.  Wondering if he was cheating on me, if the homoerotic joking of his male friends (who attended a mostly male college) was indicative of homosexuality.  I was obsessive in the need to know if he still -loved- me, writing on his facebook everyday, calling him nearly 3 times per day.  My harm obsession came back again, this time believing that my boyfriend was going to get drunk and get into the car of another equally or worse drunk person and die.  I would stay up and pray that he wasn't doing anything stupid.

Now, the HOCD has returned.  Sparked partially by my decision to get my hair cut above the shoulders, I started wondering if I got a too masculine haircut, also sparked by my worry of falling out of love with my boyfriend, the nagging voice in back of my head constantly replies, "maybe you can't -ever- love him because you're in denial."  I know that I'm not gay---I've never once wanted to pursue a relationship with a woman--the thought of it nauseates me, and makes me severely depressed.  I've known girls who were bisexual and lesbians, and I cannot equate myself with them.  It's okay, in my mind, for them to pursue relations with other women, but I want none of it.  I'd actually still much rather be dead then gay.  These gay worries don't even sound like me--it's like they're from another woman completely different from me.  I want to be me.  I want to be able to love and actively pursue men and not feel like I'm 'cheating myself.'  I want to be able to moon over Johnny Depp again and hang out with my female friends without feeling like I secretly want something personally disgusting from them.

I see my first psychiatrist this afternoon.  I hope to God she doesn't confirm my fears because I don't think my mental state can handle that.
15 Responses
Avatar universal
Sorry this is so long.
Avatar universal
Sounds like your curious.  Plain and simple.
Avatar universal
WHICH is totally no big deal.  You would be abnormal if certain things didn't spark your curiousity.  It's in our media, books, magazines, homosexuality is everywhere, and it's normal and completely fine.  Who cares.  Your fine for thinking about things like that.  Jesus Christ, I was so curious that I tried it!
366811 tn?1217426272
That fine line between curiosity and obsession is a prime "target" for OCD type disorders, fixations, and the usual gang of suspects. Like so many things, it can work for you, or against you.

An early step to bring some order to all this chaos, however, is a step you've already taken: you laid it all out, in black and white. It is important that we see it, so we know the story. But it is more improtant that YOU see it, objectified, channeled, compartmentalized, labeled and shelved within your very excellent prose.

I'll make a "SWAG" which stands for "scientific wild-*** guess" about what's going on with you. Promise me you will absoluetly, positively run it by your therapist, and understand that I'm not medically qualified to pin any tails on any donkeys here. My suspicion is that, due to the sexual themes of your thoughts, there's a missing ingredient (or an extra ingredient) in your childhood years in terms of sexual identity. This is something that doesn't just happen as you grow older physically, and in fact, our sexual presence and sense of self, as a male or female, is not even all black and white. We are all a "mix," physically, socially, mentally. I'm totally making this up as an example -please run it by the shrink- but my theory is that ALL the elements involved in the process of determing what we are going to be have a vote; physical endowment carries a large block of voters -sort of a "California," as it were- but every vote counts. After the voting is over, even if the decision is just by a few votes, we basically say we have a "man" or a "woman" in office, and everything follows along with that. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN the constituency that returned the vote all become whatever the ultimate choice was -it simply sets direction, boundaries and expectations. And the reaction and interaction with early big figures like parents and sibs, play group peers and even, sadly some sexual abusers at times will challenge or support what we "are." And thus, within the very rich and diverse panorama of human sexuality, we see all kinds of adaptations and variations -and many are regarded as normal. There are those here on this forum for example (simply because we have a cross section of people here) who have sexual fantasies, desires, fetishes, obsessions and interests which they wouldn't disclose to any but the closest friend, but which they lustily enjoy (or wish they could enjoy) with a lover or someone else.

Let's just take it that far for now. You've begun to turn the tide. Please let us know the results of your visit with the psychiatrist. And, for heaven sakes please show what I said to that person; the last thing we need around here is ME injecting a bunch of wacky ideas into your head.
Avatar universal
I have been diagnosed with purely obsessional OCD and also depression.

I know that all of these things are lies in my head spawned by whatever my head wants to come up with.
Avatar universal
Hi, Quixotic! (Nice username :)

Your type of OCD is described in detail in an article by Dr. Stephen Phillipson, check it out here if you like: http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson7.php. You are anything but alone in this. I think everyone, at some point or other, has as much as wondered, and definitely everyone has intrusive thoughts that could potentially make them question their identity, nature, or preference -some go even further, like you mentioned yourself, by suggesting we're perverts, molesters or have incestuous sexual desires! All experts say that these thoughts are normal -we're animals by nature, and sometimes our brain is just overactive. We have those thoughts because we can. They have as much significance or weight in reality as the thought of a flying pig -just because we can think of it doesn't mean they're real! And just because these thoughts pop in on occasion, it doesn't mean they say one thing about who you are. To put an example, a real sexual molester doesn't feel horrified at their thoughts of that kind -to that person, those thoughts and desires are normal. The fact that you have been repulsed by them already tells you that you're as normal as it takes.

Now, as far as your fear of being a lesbian -I think it's significative that your OCD revolves around sex, like you point out yourself. All of your obsessive thoughts seem to deal with sex and relationships. OCD typically focuses on areas where we have fears, insecurities, or some other weakness -those are our weak spots, and OCD always bites us where it will hurt us most. Also, OCD is about wanting to be 100% certain about something; our mind doesn't deal well with the sole possibility that it might not be the way we want it to be, even if that possibility is only theoretical or one in a million (or several millions). I think you are straight in your sexual orientation, but, theoretically speaking, there would be one little chance that you might not. It's like worrying about being hit by a meteor -chances are that we won't be, but who can guarantee it?

Also, I think that nothing is 100% when it comes to sexual preferences (as well as in many other things). A person is mostly straight, mostly gay, or bisexual, when both preferences are nearly 50% (although most bisexuals will still have a preference for one gender over the other, which also says something about how not black-and-white sexuality is). Maybe you could remind yourself that, by this standard, you are mostly straight, and that's all you need to be and know -doesn't matter what exact percentage your heterosexuality is, and it doesn't matter that you might (or might now, only you can know that) feel curious about your same gender sometimes, because that percentage is a minority and it doesn't change the whole result.

I hope that helps a little, and I hope seeing a psychiatrist can help you cope. *hugs*
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