Sounds like your curious. Plain and simple.
WHICH is totally no big deal. You would be abnormal if certain things didn't spark your curiousity. It's in our media, books, magazines, homosexuality is everywhere, and it's normal and completely fine. Who cares. Your fine for thinking about things like that. Jesus Christ, I was so curious that I tried it!
That fine line between curiosity and obsession is a prime "target" for OCD type disorders, fixations, and the usual gang of suspects. Like so many things, it can work for you, or against you.
An early step to bring some order to all this chaos, however, is a step you've already taken: you laid it all out, in black and white. It is important that we see it, so we know the story. But it is more improtant that YOU see it, objectified, channeled, compartmentalized, labeled and shelved within your very excellent prose.
I'll make a "SWAG" which stands for "scientific wild-*** guess" about what's going on with you. Promise me you will absoluetly, positively run it by your therapist, and understand that I'm not medically qualified to pin any tails on any donkeys here. My suspicion is that, due to the sexual themes of your thoughts, there's a missing ingredient (or an extra ingredient) in your childhood years in terms of sexual identity. This is something that doesn't just happen as you grow older physically, and in fact, our sexual presence and sense of self, as a male or female, is not even all black and white. We are all a "mix," physically, socially, mentally. I'm totally making this up as an example -please run it by the shrink- but my theory is that ALL the elements involved in the process of determing what we are going to be have a vote; physical endowment carries a large block of voters -sort of a "California," as it were- but every vote counts. After the voting is over, even if the decision is just by a few votes, we basically say we have a "man" or a "woman" in office, and everything follows along with that. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN the constituency that returned the vote all become whatever the ultimate choice was -it simply sets direction, boundaries and expectations. And the reaction and interaction with early big figures like parents and sibs, play group peers and even, sadly some sexual abusers at times will challenge or support what we "are." And thus, within the very rich and diverse panorama of human sexuality, we see all kinds of adaptations and variations -and many are regarded as normal. There are those here on this forum for example (simply because we have a cross section of people here) who have sexual fantasies, desires, fetishes, obsessions and interests which they wouldn't disclose to any but the closest friend, but which they lustily enjoy (or wish they could enjoy) with a lover or someone else.
Let's just take it that far for now. You've begun to turn the tide. Please let us know the results of your visit with the psychiatrist. And, for heaven sakes please show what I said to that person; the last thing we need around here is ME injecting a bunch of wacky ideas into your head.
I have been diagnosed with purely obsessional OCD and also depression.
I know that all of these things are lies in my head spawned by whatever my head wants to come up with.
Hi, Quixotic! (Nice username :)
Your type of OCD is described in detail in an article by Dr. Stephen Phillipson, check it out here if you like: http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson7.php. You are anything but alone in this. I think everyone, at some point or other, has as much as wondered, and definitely everyone has intrusive thoughts that could potentially make them question their identity, nature, or preference -some go even further, like you mentioned yourself, by suggesting we're perverts, molesters or have incestuous sexual desires! All experts say that these thoughts are normal -we're animals by nature, and sometimes our brain is just overactive. We have those thoughts because we can. They have as much significance or weight in reality as the thought of a flying pig -just because we can think of it doesn't mean they're real! And just because these thoughts pop in on occasion, it doesn't mean they say one thing about who you are. To put an example, a real sexual molester doesn't feel horrified at their thoughts of that kind -to that person, those thoughts and desires are normal. The fact that you have been repulsed by them already tells you that you're as normal as it takes.
Now, as far as your fear of being a lesbian -I think it's significative that your OCD revolves around sex, like you point out yourself. All of your obsessive thoughts seem to deal with sex and relationships. OCD typically focuses on areas where we have fears, insecurities, or some other weakness -those are our weak spots, and OCD always bites us where it will hurt us most. Also, OCD is about wanting to be 100% certain about something; our mind doesn't deal well with the sole possibility that it might not be the way we want it to be, even if that possibility is only theoretical or one in a million (or several millions). I think you are straight in your sexual orientation, but, theoretically speaking, there would be one little chance that you might not. It's like worrying about being hit by a meteor -chances are that we won't be, but who can guarantee it?
Also, I think that nothing is 100% when it comes to sexual preferences (as well as in many other things). A person is mostly straight, mostly gay, or bisexual, when both preferences are nearly 50% (although most bisexuals will still have a preference for one gender over the other, which also says something about how not black-and-white sexuality is). Maybe you could remind yourself that, by this standard, you are mostly straight, and that's all you need to be and know -doesn't matter what exact percentage your heterosexuality is, and it doesn't matter that you might (or might now, only you can know that) feel curious about your same gender sometimes, because that percentage is a minority and it doesn't change the whole result.
I hope that helps a little, and I hope seeing a psychiatrist can help you cope. *hugs*