Good day to all,
I am a 29 year old male going through a severe depression, triggered by the incessant thought that I am gay. I suffer from the mental disorder known as OCD. I have no real lasting compulsions, but the obsessions that I am gay have sent me into a deep void of depression. I now sleep 12 hours a day, nap during the day continually, and have no desire to do much of anything. I have been smoking marijuana for over 14 years, practically every day all day. When I quit smoking two months ago the thoughts about being gay returned immediately. This spiraled me into a deep depression, which I am suffering with as I post this.
The OCD obsession started in 1999, when I was 18. I read an article in the National Enquirer, not a very trusted source of facts. The article went on to say that men with a short index finger(the finger right next to the thumb) when compared to the ring finger, are gay. This is known as the 2d:4d ratio. I immediately checked my fingers and noticed that my index finger what quite shorter than my ring finger. The anxiety hit instantly and manifested into a depression which crippled me. Before I read the article I was interested in about 4 different girls, though my sexual experience was limited and I was still a virgin.
I entered college in 2000, a mainly male dominated MARITIME COLLEGE. I wanted to work out at sea on large commercial vessels. I was very anxiety riddled entering the college, and the thought that I was gay pervaded. Then in the winter of 2000 I met a nice girl, fell in love, and lost my virginity. We had a long distance relationship, CALIFORNIA to WASHINGTON, but when we met the sexual energy was almost palpable. I couldn't stop kissing her, experimenting, and having sex. She even commented a couple times that I was too horny. But I WAS a 20 year old male, so you all can understand. Plus she was gorgeous. We broke up 2 years later, somewhat amicably. I still think about to this day; she was the only girl, now a woman, that I fell in love with since. She was also my only long term romance so far. For the context of this post she took away the HOCD, the thoughts that I was gay.
In the summer of 2004 I went on my 2 month senior cruise, a requisite and capstone experience before entering the commercial shipping business. I quit smoking pot for the cruise and within 2 weeks of the cruise I was having the gay obsessions again. I couldn't talk to anyone about this, come on! A ship full of mostly young men would have labeled me immediately and I would have the stigma of being a homosexual. So when the thoughts, the obsessions, returned I could not sleep at all. I did not sleep, except in short spurts, for 40 days straight. I lost 20 pounds, and I was skinny to begin with. Now I was borderline emaciated. I was hallucinating sounds as well. How I passed the tests administered on that cruise is beyond me, but I passed the whole cruise nonetheless.
Once I entered the workforce and started making good money I was smoking marijuana once again, this time about a half ounce a week, or about $180-$200 a week. I was having sex with women about 3 times a year, and masturbating a lot in between encounters. I have always preferred large breasted OR petite women. My sexual experiences have sometimes been destroyed by my pre-mature ejaculations. This depressed me in itself, as I have left about 3 women unsatisfied, embarrassing me immensely. However I wasn't suffering from the HOCD, the gay obsessions. They were few and far between, easily quelled I guess.
This brings us to the present. I believe that my constant weed habit, problem with PE (premature ejaculation), and HOCD (homosexual obsession), have left me so very DEPRESSED. I have not been smoking pot for around 40 days, and I passed my reemployment drug test. I desperately want to return to sea to get some structure.
Some other trivia to consider: Once I read that stupid article, to this day, I have slept with my hands under a pillow or my body. It's as if I am ashamed of my finger length. I have done some substantial research online and found that for men, a smaller index finger doesn't mean gay at all. It's more of a case for women. But my younger sister has a shorter index finger, has always been straight, and is happily married right now.
I have been having nightmares about my gay obsessions lately, since the pot had me not dreaming altogether, or at least not remembering them. The nightmares are usually some guy trying to kiss me or have sex, and I run away or get violent with him. I do have some heterosexual dreams too, they are quite nice. I truly know that I love women, I want kids, and I desire a soul mate. BUT THE HOCD IS KILLING ME, LITERALLY. And now that Ricky Martin, who I understand is handsome but I have so desire for as he is a man, has come out I worry MORE that I am gay. Come on people, we all knew he was gay though from the get go. It's just another piece of tinder to add to this fire of HOCD.
I am currently on 20MG of fluoxetine (generic for Prozac) and am seeing a therapist every week. I also see a VERY COMPETENT psychiatrist every 3 weeks. As I am not working and lethargic in general, my bank account is dropping more and more each day. This is depressing. I am 29 years old and I live with my grandmother. This is depressing. I have no girlfriend. This is depressing. And have OCD, mainly HOCD. This is killing me....
I guess my question here is: How do I conquer this beast called OCD, or HOCD for my case?????
THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading all of this and possibly answering my question. I love you all,