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HOCD- another discussion for the boards:

I've recently been diagnosed with Pure "O" (H)OCD. I'm a 19 year old male that is very confused, depressed, and sick. I've always been back and forth between different psychs and general healthcare physicians for anxiety and depression issues. There are a few things that make my Homosexual OCD different and much more questionable to my OCD brain. After years of escalated porn usage, multiple female sexual partners, delayed ejaculation (the inability to reach orgasm during sex(in my case, NEVER had), the only intercourse I've had being hetero, furthering the doubt that this is a actual case of HOCD), realization that I'm not completely straight at 17 after somewhat pleasing homosexual experience but not on par with heterosexual experiences that felt more natural and in tune with my body, came out bisexual at 18, for a year after I "came out" I constantly got anxiety and uncertainty over that even being true, a HUGE decrease in sexual interest and PMO over the past 6 months and recently had my heartbroken by my first true love, a female.

I'm sincerely confused and cannot stop thinking about this. Whether it's true or not. The main things I question are my past attractions to girls and now not having any libido, that I must be gay. I don't think I'm gay, I don't think I'm straight. I wouldn't have a problem with being a homosexual, I think, if I was one. I question this constantly, I am losing weight and sleep. After coming out as a bisexual male, I didn't even want to pursue males at all. After being known in the gay community, several homosexual men contacted me via Facebook to hang out and date, and I could never bring myself to even be comfortable with the idea. I'm not homophobic and do not wish to repress any homosexual feelings I may have. I'm just left with the ultimatum that I'm without a doubt, gay, while I have no desire to be with a guy. Which is especially confusing because I've lost all interest in girls due to this new anxiety and the break-up that wasn't mutual on my part. Hopefully somebody will look at this and give me some direction to go in, whether it be how to fight HOCD or find a way to discover what true repression is and recognize it so I can learn to be truly happy.  
1 Responses
Avatar universal
Could you be a little more elaborate on why you conclude that I'm a heterosexual?

I'm sure that's a dumb question anyways, I should know! Shouldn't I? Why don't I know what I like anymore?
The main thing killing me is the attraction and desire for women is almost obsolete.
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