HOCD or am i just in denial of being gay

[jay780]

I'm a 17 year old male and about a month ago i was watching this video on YouTube and it had a transsexual on it so then i started to wonder what it looked like so i went and watched transsexual porn and got aroused and masturbated after that i started to think to myself if i was gay so i went and tried to watch gay porn and all it did was freaked me out before i would just think of women all day and think about having sex with them and now i keep getting these thoughts in my head about men and it scares me it's like i can't get these thought out of my head I've always been attracted to women and aroused by women it's like now i can't even be around my guy friends without thinking if im attracted to them it makes me so uncomfortable i feel like im going crazy im a really depressed person I've never gotten over things i always over think everything this just won't get out of my head it's really scaring me im still a virgin and i don't want my first time to be with a man all I've ever wanted was a wife and kids i just can't see myself with a man and i know some of you are going to say im in denial but how can i be in denial if i've never liked men nor have i ever wanted to be with men the more i think of this the more i start to get scared and believe it im afraid to go outside now i don't have anything against gay people i just don't think that is the life for me i feel like im losing my mind in the past I've thought about committing suicide because of depression and every time i try to think about losing my virginity to a women now i think to myself what if i don't like it these thoughts are really messing with my head and freaking me out I've never even been attracted to men all these thought are just making me depressed i still love women i just don't know what's going on with me i also think to myself what if i finally get married and have kids and these thoughts come back also when i was little like 8 year old me and another boy touched each other privates this makes me also depressed because i can't get that memory out of my head either alot of people are on yahoo said im bi curious but i don't really get that i mean how can i be bi curious if I've never had any desire to be with men before i saw the transsexual porn i used to look at guys and just think of them as just guys nothing more now it's this constant thought of am i attracted to this guy because i am looking at him sure i've seen attractive guys but i never wanted to be with them i just wanted to be like them sometimes i calm down and know im straight because i've always been attracted to girls even before the incident happened when i was 8 i've never even pictured myself with a man and now i try and think of situations with men i never get an erection i just get this wierd feeling like i should'nt be doing it and i get scared in start to shake my head i just don't know what to do anymore is this HOCD or am i in denial of being gay, bi, or bi curious?

[nursegirl6572]

Please consider posting in our OCD community, this topic is discussed there all the time, the folks there are very used to the cubject and can give you advice.  Even if you read through the threads, I think that will help.

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-OCD-/show/231

[Fereshte]

You could be bisexual but prefer women.  There's nothing wrong with that.  There's nothing BAD about having these thoughts.  If you've always liked women and are attracted to them, that's not going to change IF you find you COULD be attracted to men as well.  Bisexuality is a real thing.  You might find one day that you can be aroused by men but that doesn't mean you will suddenly wake up one day and like ONLY men.  If you decide not to act on your bisexual desires--if you're perfectly happy with being attracted to women, then that's fine.  If you end up experimenting one day with a man, that's also fine.  You need to worry less about what these thoughts might "mean."  You're young.  Your naturally going to sexually explore ideas.  

You need to stop worrying about labels and as if its gay vs straight.  You also aren't going to learn anything by sitting in your house hiding from the world.  I suggest seeing a therapist about the issue and talking through your fears and depression, especially if you're suicidal at times.  This is a VERY VERY stupid thing to think about committing suicide over.  

My advice (after speaking with a therapist, which I strongly urge) is to go out on a date with a girl.  Kiss a girl.  See how you feel.  This very well may put your mind at ease.  If you're attracted to her, then cool.  If you occasionally have thoughts about guys, then that's cool too.  Human sexuality is very fluid.  It's not straight vs gay.  Its not so rigid and so easily broken.