Hello and welcome!
You understand it well, there is no CURE for anxiety disorders, but they CAN be managed well with a broad based treatment plan.
I absolutely agree with you about the meds. If you weren't taking Xanax every day, where it would cause a dependency and tolerance issue (which actually ends up cauing MORE problems), and you were only taking it "as needed" to help your anxiety, then there should be no reason you couldn't still be on it.
Unfortunately, using benzodiazepines to treat anxiety is one of those subjects that causes a lot of controversy. A lot of doctors refuse to Rx it at all, because of the potential for abuse, and dependency. Others may Rx it, but not generously enough to really make a difference. Even if you found a doc willing to Rx it for you, there's no guarantee that won't change down the line where the doc will decide he no longer likes Rx'ing benzos for anxiety. It's a tough situation.
I too have panic disorder and have learned through the years that meds are only one TOOL in treating anxiety. There absolutely ARE ways you can retrain the way you think about and react to anxiey. That kind of chjange usualy happens in therapy, along with work on our own. Even if Xanax worked perfectly for you, for optimal management of an anxiety disorder, more work is necessary.
What meds have you tried, and how long were you on them? Have you been in therapy at all, and if so, for how long? Did you TRY to get as much out of therapy as you could? That's another problem, people will go to therapy but but really don't take it seriously, or don't work as hard at it as they should, which of course leads a person to say "it didn't work".
Stick around, we'll give you some tips and advice, and our opinions. While it would be nice to find a doctor who would be willing to Rx the Xanax, that isn't going to "cure" you anyway, so don't get overly focused on that...or you'll convince your anxious mind that nothing else but Xanax will help you.
Hang in there, you're among people who understand. We've been there.
For one thing, there are many people who don't take scripts who have a normal life. With recovery from anxiety and other similar disorders, we learn that it takes more then just a drug to feel normal or find an even keel in life. Like you are finding out, with or without the drug it is 25 years that this is continuing without relief...The drug, no matter what it is, only soothes the symptoms now and then, and sometimes not very well, while recovery which does include a counselor, a therapy group, meditation, writing in a journal, helping others, and an honest dedication to your mental health and inner feelings is what keeps the anxiety illness arm length most of the time...
You ask if there is a life long cure for your illness and I do have to tell you that Life itself must be dealt with on a day by day basis. I can almost hear the panic in your note and can imagine how you feel as you wrote your question....You are putting your whole bank account on scoring up some Zanax to be normal and I do have to honestly tell you that is a losing proposition all the way around...
I would suggest that you ask your med doctor for a referral to a personal therapist or group where people just like you are dealing with and recovering from anxiety....It may be the best thing you have done for yourself in more then 25 years....
Good luck to you