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Homosexual Anxiety

hi, i am a male of 29 now and i feel very anxious over what happend 23 years ago when i was 6 year old. i had a playmate of approximately my age or maybe he was 2 years older, we used to play together a lot and i trusted this kid so i dont think there was any abuse and i was not really foreced into anything, however we did experiment a couple of times playing sexual games, but it was just natural curiousity and exploration i mean we were just discovering something. so we just touched each other and lay on top of each other stuff like that nothing serious really. nothing oral or anal or whatsoever. and normally this kind of play is not supposed to have any longlasting traumatic effects on an individual, but for some strange reason i have developped and enormous amount of guilt and anxiety related to this issue, obsessive and intrusive thoughts and fears that i might be gay or that i have done something that will affect my sexual preferences and change them in some way. i have always loved women and always been fascinated by and drawn to the opposite sex, but recently my mind just cannot let go of ruminating about the possibility that i might have done something really really Wrong and Terrible and unnatural and unhealthy and immoral and very bad by playing with this kid. and i am so hopeless now i dont know what to do. i whish i could go back in time and undo this thing i have done, but i am afraid its impossible.
please, what kind of advice could you have for me? how bad is it? should i worry about it? what if i have destroyed my sexuality and now i am bound to become gay like my anxious mind tells me? is there any hope in this situation?
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Well to begin with you don't just catch ' Gay '. You either are gay or you are not. And reading your words I would say you may be at a crossroads. Insofar that you know what you done all those years ago. Although you like women, you still think of what happened. Back then you enjoyed it. But would you enjoy it today with another man? That is the question your mind has to be clear on. You may be wondering if would be as good as it was back then. But then you have thos other side to you that looks at the age it happened it and thinks of it as a kind of abuse on a young kid. Not seeing that you were young too. The age we are living in tells us, rightly so, that abusing a young kid is wrong. That has you thinking back. Wondering did you do anything wrong as a kid. But you must remember that you were an innocent child too. So the other kid was about as aware of what was going on as you were back then. It is the not been able to let go part that has me wondering if you see yourself as maybe wanting to try it again with another male. To see is it the same. It was probably fun back years ago. Call it Bi-curious. You can be into females and still wonder what it would be like with another male. But only you hold the answers to these questions. I am just playing a guessing game here. I assume you have been with females over the years? One little experiement years ago doesn't mean you will change for life. Unless you liked it so much and it had an influence on your choice of sexes. Like I said, you don't just become gay. Like it is something you can buy in the shops. You either like men or you like women. Or you like them both. Bisexual.
Avatar universal
the honest truth is that there are very few people who are completely straight, completely gay, or completely bisexual. sexuality is a continuum where most people fall somewhere between point A and point B...A being straight and B being homosexual. beyond just that continuum, there are other aspects to sexuality  in the "deviant" region.

the point is that if you're 95% attracted to one sex and 5% attracted to another...or 50/50...or 30/70....it is who you are and there really isn't any need to worry about it. the only thing to worry about is that you're enjoying being with the person you're with. nothing else really matters.
Avatar universal
You are not gay trust me you do have a bad case of HOCD. I would suggest seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist. HOCD is a very strong disorder it makes you doubt the very basic orientation of your sexuality. You must realise that it is the disorder that plays on fear it can have you so convince, it adapts to anything and any situation
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