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How do you stop everyone from telling you that you are a failure

I am a mom that has really given everything to her kids and family.  I am last when getting anything in our home.  Even cook for everyone and by the time I am finished I am too tired to eat myself.  I work, have always worked.  I took a job with a family member's company so that I could bring my first child.  I didn't want to put him in daycare and I needed to work.  I volunteer in their classrooms.  Now, the oldest are teens.  My one son started to experiment with pot.  he tells me it's only pot, but we are anti drugs.  He has told me several times he wishes I was dead.  I have been sick for years with a tumor that was removed and dealing with the repercussions of the surgery.  But, you would not know I am sick.  The kids know that I am tired, by 8 pm.  I just can't keep doing for them after that time.  I am exhausted and in extreme pain by the night.  I can't push through the pain any longer.  The physical pain and my family members telling me how I am a screw up.  Everything I have done wrong in my life.  My kids will tell you I never cook.  I cook a dinner by 5 pm. My parents tell me how I am this and that.  I never hear a good positive nice comment from anyone.  I now have to work two jobs to help pay the bills.  So, I am even more tired in the evening.  My house is clean, the fridge is full, the kids have current clothing.  they are not suffering .  My oldest wishes I was dead and I feel dead inside.  I can't do anymore, I am in so much pain, phsical pain and emotional.  I want to leap from the bridge, but I still worry about how it will effect my kids.  Maybe, it will not effect them.  No one seems to care about me.  They only see the negative.  I haven't laughed or really smiled in years.  How long can you get beaten down mentally before you leave?  How long can you take the heartbreak before you leap from the bridge?  So tired, broken and destroyed.  a stranger would never realize on the outside how hurt i am from everyone around me.  I wish I could laugh again, I wish my child would say I love you again, I wish my family would stop expecting me to save the world and suffer to make their lives perfect.  All I want is someone to help take away the pain.  It is too much pain.  I know no one will be able to help me.  I tried getting help.  They just say leave the people that hurt you.  The only way to leave everyone is to leap from the bridge.  I feel dead inside and it is a horrible feeling. cold, dead, no passion for life.  
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Avatar universal
I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. You sound like most mom's out there. Doing so much for other people, and not taking care of ourselves.

Did something happen that is causing your oldest to say these hurtful things to do? Maybe it is their way with dealing with some sort of hurt or pain.

I know you say you are anti drug, but what can you really do? Kids will have sex and do drugs, and unless you are going to lock them in their room and homeschool them, there is not much you can do about it besides providing them with the education they need to make smart choices.

You need to take a step back and stop caring what people think of you. I know that is easier said than done, but we beat ourselves up by caring so much about what other people think of us. In the end, it really does not matter. If you are ok with the choices that you made in life, then who cares if someone thinks you made the wrong ones. If you feel you made the wrong ones, then acknowledge it and start make choices that make you and your family happy.

Throwing yourself off a bridge is not the answer. Think about how permanent that is. Think about all the things in life that you will miss out on. I know you feel in a bad place right now, but I promise you that if you get some counseling/support/meds you can get to a good place and will love all the wonderful things life has to offer.
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