I constantly destroy and rebuild my life

[soundkloud]

I am here simply out of a google search for "constantly fearing my parent's death" and started reading this forum.  I'm convinced there are far more things going on with my thought process now.  I am 23 years old. I was raised in a hectic, unstable lifestyle.  By this I mean my mother was mentally unstable, devoutly hypocritically religious and critical of everything and every one.  My father was and is an orphaned alcoholic and drug addict, incredibly broken and obsessive, but the most incredible father that ever lived on this Earth.  He worships the ground I walk on.  I am his girl.  I am an only child and I look, act, and have almost every characteristic of my dad.  Unfortunately, I also have been an alcoholic and drug addict for 10 years.  I care about my life.  I have had dreams and goals and have truly believed in what I want to do with my life, but whatever is going on with me and has been for as long as I can remember is robbing me from everything. I have been to jail 5 times all for alcohol related charges. I have wrecked my car.  I have been risky in relation to promiscuity,as well as, drug use.  I've lost multiple jobs.  I broke my ankle a year ago skate boarding while using drugs.  My parents have helped me with bills, groceries, lawyers, vehicles and are so fed up with me. They know my potential and truly see a life wasting away in front of them.  I see it in the mirror to be honest.  I see what I am doing. I cause so many people pain and I am so abusive of every relationship in my life.  I can't really remember a time that I was sober.  Or that I can think back and remember where I chose to throw away so many good parts of my personality and mind.

With the guidance of my parents, the support of my husband, and possibly aging I began deeply desiring to understand what made me feel nervous and what I was essentially trying to "shut up" with substance abuse.  I say so often when trying to describe to loved ones why I use drugs and alcohol, "I don't know. I am just trying to shut my head up".  Oh my goooooooooood, it is there every second of the day.  A nagging nervous feeling, procrastination, obsession over a ritualistic set of things such as losing my parents, my husband cheating on me, every bill I owe and what I have to do to budget it, guilt over binge drinking mistakes and shame over the past 10 years (but I REALLY obsess about any recent mess-ups or uses or things I've done while intoxicated), I obsess over things from cigarettes, to running, to eating, to losing weight, to being ugly, to trying to love myself, using drugs, getting clean, my goals, what will happen to my goals if I can't get it together, how I've hurt my loved ones, how much time I've wasted, what time is it, what am I supposed to be doing, etc.  It is an all day long, every day cycle.  I am disgustingly charming and manipulative.  I use looks and my sly personality to manipulate people or situations.  I've never had a job that wasn't based on a boss' attraction to me or didn't quickly manifest. But I also genuinely believe I have traits, like an outgoing personality that I know people have really valued in working environments.  I have no boundaries and I deflect my feelings on my husband a lot.  I do weird things to make him anxious just because I am anxious and can't understand how anyone could possibly not be? Or I just come home at 4 AM drunk.  I get up every day with the intention to do something better with myself, and I fail miserably....like a lot. Too much.  I write my thoughts, I try to meditate, I've been on Sertraline/Zoloft for six months, which tamed some of the symptoms and still seems to help with depression, however my anxiety and obsessions are seemingly worse. I am really not interested in furthering medication, as I hate that I even do any drugs.  I don't want to use recreational drugs, Zoloft, or alcohol, and going back to get an even stronger regiment from the doctor really sucks for the idea of not being a medicated person.

I spend most days researching what is wrong with me and how to fix it.  And the other parts of it, I obsess and try to stop negative thought loops all day long, constantly reminding myself to just be present. The only time I am not obsessing is if I can get lost in a show or book (doesn't last long, but I do it several times a day for short periods a day, until I have to put it down to think about what bill is due or who is mad at me this week), when I am producing my music, or when I am throwed on something.

I truly want to be better and understand what is wrong with me.  My doctor that gave me the Zoloft said that I seemed depressed, generalized anxiety, and that was all.  I feel that I show so many signs of OCD, body dysmorphoria, Borderline Personality Disorder, Identity issues, and maybe even ADHD too. and if all that is the case, what do you do from here? I feel like I am at a door, stuck, either about to break through it and learn whatever life is trying to teach me or I am going to die due to this mental disorder.  Losing my dreams would be the equivalent to death as well.  I wrote this in hopes that maybe someone has felt like me or knows what is mis-wired in me.  I know this can't medically identify what is going on with me, but I am just in search of answers as to why I feel this way and how to take back control of my life. I really relate to so many of your stories.  I hate that we feel like this, but I don't feel completely alone now.

Does anyone recognize any potential disorders and/or solutions?

[Paxiled]

Specialmom should be listened to here very closely -- people who abuse drugs don't have as their initial problem the drug use, but usually depression.  You may have started using drugs because they were just a part of your young life and they were fun, but for a long time it sounds like you've been self-medicating.  Problem is, drugs while calming to some cause anxiety in others, depending on what it is you're using -- alcohol can definitely make anxiety problems worse because it affects balance and makes us feel disoriented, and that is often also what it feels like to suffer bad anxiety and so it can trigger anxiety for many people.  The way you talk about your problem and your self-knowledge despite your youth that you are going to get past this.  You're possibly half-way there already, because of the thought you've put into it and your motivation to move on to something else.  What I would discourage is self-diagnosis.  Most depressed people and anxious people think so obsessively about what's going on that it's easy to think you have OCD and all kinds of things, but as specialmom said, a psychologist or a psychiatrist can give you a diagnosis.  You've already received one from your doctor, but with aa problem as long-standing as yours I'd be at the specialists, which are the psychologists and the psychiatrists.  Some of us get better through therapy and, in your case, drug abuse treatment, but some of us don't and if you turn out to be one of those, don't equate medication that treats disease with drugs you started taking to get high.  It's not that they're any easier to deal with, sometimes they are and sometimes they're not, but they are different.  If the Zoloft is helping the depression but not the anxiety, there are things you can take along with it to help more.  This is a process called augmentation, and while taking more drugs increases side effects and all the other stuff you don't want, it might help you, but you can't really combine these meds with recreational drugs -- they don't mix.  But my main take is, while we can't really fix what's wrong with you, you're already on a good road to doing that yourself, and I see reason for you to be optimistic that you might not notice yet.  

[specialmom]

So often, addiction and mental health are intertwined.  Often, recovery from one means you must seek recovery from the other.  Your childhood chaos, your identification with an addict (alcoholic) father are part of your make up along with genetics.  Your father also probably walks a tight rope of alcoholism and mental health issues.  That you are recognizing it is really a great step. One step further in living a better life.  I can't diagnose what mental health disorders by name you have and it is best to see a psychologist for this and/or a psychiatrist.  There is an evaluation process that can lead to a diagnosis.  A psychiatrist can do this as well as prescribe medication.  It sounds like you've been to a doctor though to discuss this since you started Zoloft. Do you still take that?  Do you feel it is helping?  But what is really essential in all of this is also finding coping skills that are not drinking or doing drugs.  

Lots of people have walked in your shoes and turned their life around.  You are smart to want both aspects covered and realizing that they are working off each other.  I hope it all works out and keep the faith.  

[soundkloud]

I do take the Zoloft still.  I feel it helps with depression.  Of course it doesn't work if I use any other substances because that defeats the purpose. The anxieties seem to be getting worse and to be honest - just silly, but they're so real to me.  Where do you learn coping skills for substance abuse? Thanks for responding.

[Kirstie_MHModerator]

We have a wonderfully supportive substance abuse community: https://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/show/77

I hope you'll give it a try.