I'm 18 later this year and since I was done with my school exams, I've been worrying about the most irrational things. I've been staying at home for the past 2 months without anything to do and my dad says that's the reason why I'm worrying all the time (coz i have nothing to think about). I'm going to college later this year. I try to occupy myself by reading books and blogging and etc.. but the anxiety ALWAYS returns, especially at night and i always wake up in the middle of the night. I have to scroll through my phone until i fall asleep again. It's such an uncomfortable feeling because i know these irrational fears are keeping me from enjoying life but i can't get rid of them. I'm afraid my anxiety might snowball into depression. I used to cry all the time for no reason but i don't anymore, so i think that's an improvement. I also lost A LOT of weight and now i've got twigs for limbs. My fears are...
growing old and becoming useless,
the fact that there will be people younger than me when i'm old and useless,
losing my parents (i don't think i can survive on my own),
becoming a working adult (i can't see myself as one),
getting out of my comfort zone and facing people.
and no, i'm not afraid of death anymore. in fact sometimes i want it to come soon so i don't have to die old. i kind of feel that life is pointless and i don't have the motivation to work hard anymore because we're all going to die anyway. the thought keeps me from doing productive things and at the end of the day i feel so guilty for not doing anything productive. How do i get rid of these recurring thoughts?
I was scouted by a modelling agency just a few weeks ago and initially i was excited and happy to be doing something new but then i thought of all the things that could go wrong and now i'm not so excited about it anymore. i feel like i'm not confident enough for the job.
i had selective mutism as a lil kid, it subsided as i grew older but im still really quiet. im wondering if that has to do with anything? my older sister has depression (so does my dad) and she's been on meds since she was about my age. i'm scared i'll have to take meds! i also think time flies by SOOO FAST and i barely have enough time to do anything!! i don't know how it passes by so fast and i guess i'm afraid of time as well.
since i was very little, i've escaped reality by creating my own imaginary world and friends. that's always kept me from becoming rly depressed, i think. and now that i'm older i can't keep that imaginary world and friends anymore so i think it's finally catching up on me and slowly making me depressed. i'm very lonely and tbh i would like a caring boyfriend or even just one friend but i'm rly socially awkward and i've been homeschooled for like three years so that's impossible. i go on tumblr and when i see pics of cute boys i get excited, then depressed bcoz i dont think i'll ever get a boyfriend coz im socially awkward and i dont think i can ever be myself around a boy. i read fanfiction and get lost in those worlds and it makes me feel good for a while but i get depressed again afterwards. i got my igcse results today and i got straight a's. that lifted my mood, and i thought it would stay that way but no those thoughts came rushing back and bam, i'm all anxious again. i don't have anyone to talk to but my mom and brother, and occasionally my cousins. my dad and sister are always at work. my brother's only fourteen so he can't rly understand my problems and when i tell him abt them he thinks he has it too because i have a huge influence on him. my mom keeps saying that feeling depressed and anxious is normal for kids my age but I don't think so! she only keeps saying that and tbh she's not the best person to talk to. and is it rly crazy if i get a sense of gladness when i see bad stuff in the news? i'm talking about natural disasters and stuff... (not rapes or things like that) coz it makes me feel like the world is going to end soon and that makes me sort of happy coz i'll die with my parents. wow i just read that last sentence and i'm almost sure i'm going crazy. I'm sorry about the terrible grammar but I don't think it really matters here. I just need some help!! What should I do??