Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

I think I might kill myself?? I can't get it out of my head...

Hey. I'm a teenager who has confusion about my sexuality. I don't know if this HOCD or self denial. It all started in the summertime when I was watching a youtuber come out. It also started when my mom and I were joking around and I playfully bit her leg. She then looked at me and asked me I was lesbian or bi. I was startled and anxious and offended because I couldn't believe she said that. Plus, she told me when she was younger she bit family members as well. And my mom knows that when I was younger I would bite people. But anyway, shortly after, I started worrying "Am I gay or not". I've been worrying for a few months. At first, the fear was so intense I wanted to kill myself. Then, my fear began decreasing which made me worry and think that I'm finally accepting myself as a lesbian or bisexual. I don't want to be a lesbian or bisexual, and please don't say nothing is wrong with it because I know that. I just was to be heterosexual and confident that I'm heterosexual like I was a year ago. So I've complied a list for reasons why I think I'm bisexual, straight, a lesbian. And mostly the straight out weighted the other categories. My question is can someone at least tell me if this is truly HOCD and I'm just really straight or if I'm actually a lesbian/ bi in denial? 

Straight 
* Crushes and fantasies  of guys since I was a baby. 

* Immediately notice when a guy is attractive. 

* I find the idea of eating a vagina disgusting. 

* Pictured myself eating a vagina or having sex with a girl, unnatural and completely disturbing. 

* I'm boy crazy. 

* I always picture my future with  a guy. 

*i'm crushing on a guy right now   

* My first boyfriend was a guy, and I really wanted to kiss him but didn't get a chance to. 

* Being with guys feels so natural. 

* Whatever sexual thing a guy does to a girl, I want it done to me. 

* I can immediately become attracted to a guy if I like them 

* Sex with a guy turns me on. 

* felt I was always straight and never questioned my sexuality before. 

* Straight porn turns me on as well. 

* taking many sexuality quizzes including the Kinsey Scale, and all my results were Heterosexual 

* I didn't feel different from my peers when I was young. 

* I never felt the need to come out to my parents, because I have always been straight. 

* I have a good gay-dar. (I don't know if that has anything to do with it) 

* None of my friends suspect that I'm anything or than straight. 

* Lastly, it just feels natural being straight. 

Lesbian/Bi 

* I watched lesbian porn and have felt aroused to it. P.S. I discovered it at a young age and at first it was disgusting but then became use to it.   

* I do notice girls, but not in a way that I desire them, just like if they're pretty or not. 

* I do look at girls butts  or boobs to compare them to mines 

* When I was younger, I found myself staring at my teachers boobs one time and felt guilty about it. 

* I think some girls who dress very masculine are cute, but I don't necessarily want to date then or **** them. 

* I've only had 1 - 3 sexual fantasies about girls throughout my whole life. 

* the only thing i would do with a girl is kiss without tongue. I would never go further. Usually, i kiss my fanily memebers on the mouth so i have no problem with this. 

HOCD 
* I've never questioned my sexuality before. 

*I started questioning my sexuality the summer of 2015. 

* I check the internet everyday to see what my sexuality is 

* My family says I have a tendency to worry 

* Before worrying about my sexuality, I use to worry if I was mentally crazy or about my health. 

* Sometimes, I feel like the way I dress, talk, or look is gay, and feel the need to change it. 

* I never felt like I was hiding my true self (sexuality) from people. 

* Worry/ fear that I am or becoming gay 

* I fear/worry that people think I'm gay. 

* I worry/fear that I am gay but just don't know it. 

* I worry/fear that I don't have HOCD, and am in denial or just don't know that I'm bisexual or lesbian. 

*I am not as panicky as I use to be, and worry this is me accepting the fact that I'm homosexual/bisexual. 

* Read other people's coming out stories and fear that that could be me. 

*Gronial responses, unwanted intrusive thoughts, unwanted intrusive fantasized(not to many). 



3 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
I think you've posted about this before -- there is no such thing as HOCD.  It's just a label so a therapist or psychiatrist can get paid by an insurance company.  Any obsession is an obsession -- if you're obsessed by thinking about baseball nobody calls it BOCD.  The only problem here is, you're upset by the thoughts -- the thoughts themselves are neutral, just interesting, not threatening, since any outcome is fine.  What you need to do if your thinking is bothering your life is to find a way to stop thinking that way.  If you need a professional to talk to, see a therapist.  It's fine to think about all the things the world has to offer; it's a pain when you're scared of your own thinking and judging yourself on issues that have no judgment.  Focus on what needs changing, which is your thinking is bothering you, and don't focus on the content of the thinking, at least in this case, since it doesn't matter.  Now, if you were thinking of killing your neighbor, that would be a problem, but pondering your sexuality isn't.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Also please, please do not kill yourself. You seem like a lovely individual.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I do think it could be HOCD, but not just because you test your sexuality frequently. I think you are perfectly straight, going through a stage of sexual frustration. Coming from a lesbian, I don't think you have any sexual interest in girls at all. Sure okay lesbian porn aroused you once. I'm sure it arouses everyone at some point. And staring at boobs is common for lesbians, but you said that the purpose for it was a comparison to yours, so no worry there. It is completely natural for you to notice when a girl is pretty, it's your inner envy, as if you aspire to look like her or better. All girls do that, gay or not. I honestly think you have nothing to worry about. Just take some time for it to fade away, and if it doesn't, my best advice is to embrace it.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Anxiety Community

Top Anxiety Answerers
Avatar universal
Arlington, VA
370181 tn?1595629445
Arlington, WA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Find out what can trigger a panic attack – and what to do if you have one.
A guide to 10 common phobias.
Take control of tension today.
These simple pick-me-ups squash stress.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
Want to wake up rested and refreshed?