Hi everyone, I was hesitant to write this as I know there will be people on here who have health anxiety and what I have to write may not help if they read this, but I feel I don't have any other way of releasing this pain and fear I have right now, I seriously need some support!
Ok, so I have suffered from anxiety for a long time, roughly 7 or 8 years now. Can't take anti-d's as they attack my nervous system and so I have used various other methods to try and control the symptoms but nothing has totally helped. Within this time I have been pretty poorly, always sick with various ailments but my GP always told me it was anxiety related and just threw another med at me, but i have always thought it was something more, always tried to tell the doc's that I was not being a hypochondriac and to take notice but they didn't listen, or would send me to have a basic blood test which would only show low iron levels and they put this down to why I was feeling so tired, weak, breathless etc.... Yeah understandable i guess! But even with Iron tablets I was having trouble and after a month or so of stopping them my iron level would drop again....
Anyway, over the last several months i started to get pain in my breasts just before my monthly period, went doc and she told me it was hormonal, so stopped worrying about it and basically lived with it, then a couple of months ago decided to do a thorough breast examination, everything seemed fine but then I squeezed my nipples, like told to, and found a greeny, brown discharge coming out of both. Went doc and straight away they sent me to the hospital for an x-ray and referred me over to the specialists.... The x-ray showed i had a shadow in not just both my breasts but also in my lungs. They admitted me that day. I was terrified beyond belief, they needed to sedate me at one point as i went into a panic attack that grew totally out of control and i was literally suffocating in front of the medical staff, so they knocked me out.
They did a load of tests and found I had several tumours in my chest that had spread through into the breast tissue and this is what was causing the pain just b4 my period as the breast would swell causing pressure around the ducts where the tumours were.
They did a biopsy of one of the tumours in my lung and it is cancer but they found something very surprising to them while they examined the tissue, they found asbestos fibres. It turned out I have asbestos fibres in both lungs which has caused the cancer and this cancer has spread to both my breasts. Had both my breasts removed, and am on a high level of chemo. All my hair is gone and feels like I want to die but have a child so I have to hold on, but now the doc's are saying that they think I seriously need a lung transplant as the asbestos has caused far too much damage......
He has also told me that without one i have less than 2 months to live.... I'm so utterly weak and, well, i write this from my hospital bed, I just hope and pray that I manage to get a donor but I’m so saddened as for me to get a chance for life someone needs to die.
I'm drugged up most of the day as my anxiety levels are sky high, I pray to God all day long and ask him what lesson is being learnt from this, why this has happened..... I guess that’s part of the reason I’m writing this on here to you all to read, because if writing this helps save another person then in a way it has been worth it all.
How did I get infected with asbestos? Well it was from knocking a hole in the wall during decorating my home, I didn't wear a mask while disturbed a patch of asbestos, didn't know that was what it was, but it all flew up into my face and I was there doing work for a couple of weeks.......... My death sentence!
Strange as after this happened for a couple of years I kept coming down with these unexpected flu type illnesses, would be totally wiped out for a week at a time, sweat beyond belief, so poorly! Never went docs for this, just thought it was me being unlucky and catching everything I came into contact with. Then the anxiety started BIG time, it mostly came out of breathing problems and the feeling of weakness, which I couldn’t shake. Would be walking along the road and suddenly come over weak, breathless and start to panic because i had no where to rest, developed agoraphobia because of this. Plus the doctor said that my body was producing extra adrenaline in those moments to keep me from collapsing, he said that my body was actually protecting itself even though it really felt like i was going to die.
I have some friends and family around me but I’m too afraid to show what I’m truly feeling inside as i see their faces and it’s hard enough for them to keep it together, we are all trying to act like everything is going to be ok when in reality i may not make it.
I just would like two things from anyone who reads this, first please, please make sure that you get a full check over, go to your doctor and make sure you are healthy! This is hell, what I am going through, all the needles, drugs, operations, tears. Plus second, LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL, don’t sit and wonder what if i had done that, said that, and ate that...JUST DO IT! Have fun! You only get one shot at this life and once it is gone, it is gone forever no getting it back. I wish that i had done things so very differently. If i get a second chance i’m going to grasp it with both hands and live a life like never before....... but right now all i can say is i am scared!
If ytou have come this far then thank-you for reading this, it may turn out to be the last thing i write.... God bless you all and may you all have a wonderful life!