Intrusive obssessional thought

[nutsman]

I'm 67 and my wife is 64. We have been married for 42 years. During our 4th year of marriage I had a 3 week sexual relation with a co-worker. During our 7th year of marriage my wife had an emotionan affair with a co-worker which led to a sexual affair lasting 4 weeks. Two years later we had our first child and a second child a little later. Since that 4 week affair I'm certain that my wife has been faithful. She was and is an extremely caring mother, and treats me extremely well. Two years ago I saw the guy with whom she had the affair. Since then I have obssessively relived that 6 week period. My wife got tired of my "haranguing" and moved into our other home 1000 miles away. I love her. I don't even really connect her to the affair but I can't get rid of this intrussive obssessional thought. I have no other obssessional thoughts. What is wrong with me? How can I stop these irrational thoughts?

[nutsman]

  Thank you for your replies

[nutsman]

NO not (Or so you believe) So I'm certain. She worked closely with this guy for 2 years before the 6 week stint. He worked on her, made her feel like a princes, he was in awe, he loved her etc. and then one day--I should have recognized it. I knew that they had become very good friends but she had never given me any reason to be jealous,suspect nor has she since. She also continued to work with him for another 10 months and I'm positive that she terminated the relationship and before long they became very unfriendly with each other.
I don't really associate her with my thoughts. It is as if it were someone else but I ask her why this, why that and she goes up the wall. I ask her why she reacts so strongly--she replies -I feel guilty enough without you bringing it up-I never even think of him until you bring it up-and then she minimizes all. She is a good looking female keeps herself in shape ,very little make up, smart, capable--as one of our friends said to me while fishing on his boat--you got a good woman there , you don't want to lose her. Her coment when she stormed out was I don't want to see you or hear from you for the next six months and don't worry I'm not going to date--well she is 40 minutes away from this guy and I'm sure that she is not seeing anyone-We do talk on the phone but regarding house keeping matters. Our bank accounts, credit cards are are all joint -she nor I are abusing them. In six weeks I'm going home- both my son and daughter have said I could stay with them-they are not getting involved. My daughter feel that my son (our son  would be a bad influence on me ) I will see a shrink and Doctor.

[RubyWitch]

All the more reason to get in front of a therapist. Maybe it's irrational, maybe it's not. Maybe it's just a very, very deep cauldron of unforgiven pain which seeing this man brought to the surface. So while taking it out on your wife for two years was definitely NOT healthy, maybe it's what had to happen for you to realize that perhaps you've been carrying around some bad stuff for a very long time, and that you need professional help to get healthy and hopefully get your wife back.
42 years of what sounds like a pretty damn good marriage is worth some effort to save. I hope you give it your best shot.
Peace
Greenlydia

[nutsman]

I don't understand it either. It is completely irrational.

[RubyWitch]

What I'm not really understanding here is that it's been 35 YEARS since there has been any infeidelity in your marriage. (Or so you believe) That is a very substantial amount of time to have forgiven both yours and your wifes trangressions. It sounds as if during those 35 years, you had a good marriage, raised a family and went through all the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations, the good times and the bad times, the happy times and the sad times. It's not easy, there has to be love, honesty, respect, and most importantly, trust to make a marriage work for that long.
Two years ago you happened to see the man your wife had a brief affair with 35 years ago and it set something off inside you. Something you simply could not let go of. I don't know what it was...........Anger? Hatred? Jealousy? Fear? But whatever it was, in your own words, you spent the next two years " haranguing" your wife. I hope you're not surprised your wife packed up and left. BOTH of you made the same mistake many, many years ago and it's unfair to start throwing it in someones face now. If you still love your wife and want to work this out, I would suggest YOU start by seeing a marriage counselor to help you figure out YOUR behavior. Hopefully when you understand that, you can bring your wife in on the counseling and the three of you can heal the rift that has, apparently, been lying in wait all these many years to reach the surface.

Therapy will help you deal with these intrussive, obssessional thoughts, and hopefully your marriage can be saved.
I wish you the very best.
Greenlydia