Alright, first I'll begin with how I came to self diagnose myself with anxiety. In the summer of my sophomore year I had been smoking something called spice (it's supposedly legal to smoke this ****) Everytime I smoked it I would get serious panic attacks,too the point where I thought I was dying. The night of my 3rd time smoking spice, I had the biggest panic attack of my life, I didn't even sleep the whole night, but ever since then the way I see things is dreamlike (I've researched it and and this is supposedly a symptom for depersonilization). A week after that I went to the emergency room because I thought I was dying. They explained what I went through and told me that I may have anxiety. After that I went to my doctor and explained to her what had happened and she told me that the spice had been causing me to have panic attacks. During the week before I went to the emergency room, I didn't get any sleep or eat much. I had lost a good 3 to 4 pounds and the reason I couldn't sleep was because I woke up to dreaming I was someone in a show I'd watched that night which scared the ******* **** out of me. And started making me think that I had gone schizophrenic and was slowly loosing my self identity, sanity and mind. After I had gotten enough rest, which involved me sleeping for 9 hours straight, the dreams stopped. For a while I had to fight with the constent "what if thoughts" and a few panic attacks here and there. But then things got worse and I started having these horrible sick thoughts. They were mainly religious and sexual and during that period I was at the verge of suicide. I felt like the biggest piece of **** in the world, and would cry for hours thinking that the devil had possessed me or that I had gone insane and that I would start hurting people. I would question myself for hours and feel so disgusted with myself. Then I googled my symptoms and it came up that this was OCD. The sexual thoughts started when I came to accept the fact that I had been molested by a friend of the family. I began to google (yet again) steps on how to deal with OCD and I was actually progressing and getting better. I thought that I had dealt with the worst and that my anxiety would go away. I also thought that I was getting better but then one night my anxiety was at its all time high since I was so stressed out and the OCD thoughts came back. After that I started questionng my sanity yet again. But this time I began to have paranoid thoughts.At first they were easy to brush off and ignore but then they get worse. Like for example one of the thoughts that made me freak out the most was that I believed my sister was the devil. I know thats not true but part of me felt like I was lying to myself just so I wouldn't think I was insane. Then I slowly got over it. The thought at the moment thats messing with my head is the thought that my family are bunch of robots. Now I know thats not true but I feel like I'm loosing my sense of reality since I constantly have to bat away this thought and because of it I feel like I'm going maddddd !!!! There are times when I forget all about it and feel fine and like I'm getting better but today it came at me out of nowhere and I felt like I had to fight it off or I might end up hurting my family. Just a few minutes ago I felt like killing myself because I felt like I was loosing my sanity( if I even have any sanity left in me) and that I would end up hurting the people I love. I just wanna end my life so I won't see myself become a paranoid insane monster. These thoughts began after I began looking up symptoms of paranoia, and now I wish I had never had I'm so afraid of myself, I feel like I'll snap at any moment and start hallucinating and hearing things that aren't there. A year has passed since my first panic attack, and now I'm sixteen turning seventeen. I haven't told anyone about this except for a friend of mine and my two younger sisters but I only told them about my anxiety, nothing else. I really need someone to diagonose me. I'm tired of googling my problems instead of actually getting help and telling my mom about this. But I don't wanna disappoint her and tell her that I ****** up my life when she worked so hard to make sure my life was perfect. She gave up EVERYTHING for me, so how could I go and tell her that I ruined myself and that I'll have to be put in a mental instatution. So if anybody can offer me some adivice, an answer, a diagnoses, or help please message me.