Okay, this will be a long post so everyone beginning to read this please note that it will be long. I will try to make it straight to the point as possible but I feel the need to explain my life in the last 6 months for anyone to understand.
-20 years old, 7 months. (current age)
-No known mental illnesses in family history
I am a body builder, with saying that I have been taking steroids for the last 2 years without really many breaks, keep this in mind for later. I met a girl about 1 and a half years ago, we started smoking weed occasionally, which turned into most days over a period of time. We then moved out together into a TINY apartment paying rent fortnightly after we both got full time jobs. Obviously this enabled us to smoke more freely, so it turned into an everyday thing, and on some days multiple times. This smoking so often lead us both into wanting to try other various drugs, the occasional MDMA (sometimes a couple times a week towards the end of us splitting up).
Now a bit about my apartment - Absolutely tiny, 1 bedroom 1 bathroom and a small area for kitchen and lounge and tv ect.
Needless to say I absolutely HATED the place. dreaded going home to it.
ME and my girlfriend made some new friends (A couple like us) who were also very into drugs but more experienced users of LSD, KETAMINE, and practically most drugs you can think of. So we would have them over once a week and we would all get ****** up.
My newly found friends had a party one night where in anticipation we had all talked about taking LSD (my first time).
I was excited to try it as I had done mushrooms before and had an awesome couple of trips. The night that I did it there were a lot of random people whom I did not know and everyone was taking a lot of ****, pretty much a drug party. I started off the night with some MDMA (200mg) at around 8pm. I was feeling great. This is when the night turned. At 1am we decided to take the acid, needless to say I had the worst possible trip where I had to leave the party because I was thinking so many bad things in my head about the people around me. I got back to my apartment and felt as if I was trapped in time itself, every minute felt like 1 hour and it started to make me feel I was going to be like this for weeks which in reality was about one hour. I called my mum and she picked me up and Immediately felt better. So pretty much a text book panic filled bad trip.
After this experience I haven't had any flashback or anything visual.
1 month down the track I had a smoke with my girlfriend, it wasn't bad. When I started coming down from being high I started having a lot of bad thought and just a feeling of general negativity in my mind, I guess you could say depression and anxiety but im not sure if that would be the right description. out of no where.
HOW I FEEL: I has done a ridiculous amount of research on depression, Bi polar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety, mania, everything you can think of when it comes to mental illnesses. I have done online tests. But none of them are what I feel, every test I take does not think I have anything to worry about. I am not suicidal at all and I do value my life. How I feel as if I don't understand what the point is for us being on this planet almost like everyday life is boring. And since the time that I smoked I have found it impossible to think of anything in my mind that makes me look forward to anything. Its almost as if I keep trying to think of things that make me excited but I cant think of anything. (very annoying feeling)
I still go through points of weakness where I start thinking about how boring life is and what's the point of working and everyday life when the next days is the same. As if I think like what's there to look forward to anymore.
I guess you could say I still enjoy going to the gym, as I still have been going everyday regardless of this period of my life, but it feels more like a chore. As I have been going to the gym EVERYDAY for the last 5 years no breaks at all.
*I have stopped smoking weed
*Stopped Steroids around 3 months ago(not going back to them) - I started to think it was the change in hormone imbalances from steroids that was making me feel unmotivated or slightly depressed.
Since then this has continued, and it has continued to the point of where I started to feel the point of negativity in my life was in fact my girlfriend. So we broke up and I moved back home assuming that it would cure how I felt as I hated the place I was living too.
A little about my Girlfriend: very negative person and very controlling and possessive, always questioned everything and we regularly had fights. My mum would always tell me she's not the one for me.
Now I am writing this article at work. Obviously I am still not 100% but I definitely don't feel as negative as I did weeks ago. (currently 1 week after I have broken up with my girlfriend)
I have been to the doctor and she seems to think I have got drug induced depression but I feel as if she is stupid and doesn't even know what she is talking about. I have also told her im not taking any medication to make me feel better or to help with anything. I am completely off any drugs as I feel I can get better myself without medication. I do not want any more side effects.
If anyone has any ideas of what I have or what im going through I would DEEPLY appreciate it as I am still aggravated by this lingering negative feeling. Thankyou so much to anyone who has read this completely. I know its long.