Hi,
This is going to sound like a rant- for instance i didnt even know where to post this as there are more issues than just one going on with me at the moment.
i have been suffering from an eating disorder for 6 or so years, although im not even sure if i have one... im not thin enough. i abuse laxatives and go through stages when i binge and purge or just not eat for days. im obsessed with the scales and hate eating food if the nutrition content is not writen on it. i hate feeling full....
I was raped a month ago for the second time. i have been to the doctors for diazepam for anxiety and sleeping tablets because im not sleeping. I have lost 6kg in a month and am finding my anxiety is not working with the diazepam so i have tried not to take it today.
The doctor and others have noticed ive lost weight (i am 165cm tall and weighed 56 now i weigh 50). i have told them im just stressed and im eating but cant eat alot becuase of the nerves- which is true (sometimes...) but when i do feel hungry and i can eat im not permitting myself to eat either. i love the control. and more than once i have eaten 'normal' amounts of food but felt guilty and made myself sick. im so confused...i feel so dirty and discusting about the rape but i dont know whether im depressed about that or the eating. Or im using to fuel an eating disorder- but is it that?? am i still normal weight? its so frustrating, im feeling every emotion u possibly could at the moment i think!!
im obsessed with the scales, they have been determining my mood lately as well. except its weird, because i feel good when i loose weight, but feel guilty because i know i shouldnt be doing it and am lying to those around me.
i go through stages where ill excersise and eat normally, but there are stilll 'disordered' thoughts at the back of my head. its not that i tthink im fat, i just want to look different and i love the control- although as im writing this im feeling that i have no control at all.
do u think i have an eating disorder?? what is going to happen to me if i keep taking laxatives... im scared but i started using them 6 years ago at first becuase i wasnt having normal bowel movements...now i never have them without laxatives and i know my muscles are weaker from taking them. i feel like i deserved to be punished.
I have also been self harming from anxiety but that didnt start until i stared taking the diazepam so thats why im trying not to take it anymore.
Its also scaring me bbecuase i dont mind looking sick.. becuase i feel sick on the inside and people cant see that. i know its not normal to feel this way, but im feeling like im beyond help.
PLEASE HELP!! if possible..
Thanks.