Multiple deaths in the family and anxiety/panic/bi-polar issues

[brookie1964]

This past year I have experianced 7 deaths within my family and friends..My only sibling passed away in march, my dad in july, my Aunt in december and in between each a cousin, great aunt and a friends son. Prior to all of this happening i had experianced depression..but when my brother and then my dad passed away, I tried to take care of my mom and get her through her grief(by the way, Im a 45 yr old female). I ended up moving in with her, we both went to grief therapy, it did nothing for me but take my money..now that my mom is feeling better and moving on with her life. I seem stuck on the three deaths that affected me the most. My job performance is suffering,  I broke off my 5 yr engagement, I dont find joy in anything, not even my grandchildren. Im not just sad, Im feel like ive lost control of who I am. My general dr thinks that Im now showing signs of some sort of "bi polor" issues, Ive been taking meds for anxiety and they seemed to help for a while, but I just recently started having major panic attacks that scared me to death..I do not have feelings of hurting myself, but I cant stop crying, every minute Im alone, I cry..I thought at first it was just because I helped my family get through there grief and now its my turn, but this is more then just grief..I guess I have a simple question to a long long story..is it possible to become bi-polor due to stress, OCD issues (oh, after my dad died, I seem to talk non stop, even when im alone, i also have taken an almost "unhealthy" turn to germs and washing my hands to the point of the skin drying out and peeling off...) Im also a pain management patient, that up until the deaths in my family, the pain was controlled, now, its way out of control..and Im also diabetic, so I deal with blood sugar levels that go way up and way down. Im embarressed to talk to anyone else for fear of mentioning the bi polor issues, I dont want to be crazy, but Im afraid of just loosing it someday out in public, work, or with friends..I can sometimes barley keep it together long enough to get to my car or a restroom so I can cry, it doesnt matter where Im at..I feel stuck in the two seperate days that my brother and my dad died. I didnt get to say goodbye to my baby brother(he was 39), I held my dads hand and kissed his cheek when he passed and i relieve both of those days,everyday, all day..please help..I have an appointment with a "shrink" that can determine if Im in need of meds, or meds and therepy or maybe I am going out of my mind..I wear my emotions on my sleeve and because of all of this, I have no one to turn to, to talk too..Im very scared ....Im sorry this is long, it should be longer to explain more, but I just dont have the words to explain it all..what should I do? I m so very tired, alone and scared.

[Julie359]

It sounds like for a while now you have been trying so desparately to hold it all together but due to the nature of events your grief has now overwhelmed you to the point it has now turned into severe depression.  I think you would beneift from taking medication, as your trying so hard but are not able to control these emotional outbursts, which are natural but they are becoming a big problem for you, so yes i think the 'shrink' will prescribe you an anti-depressant and therapy.

I do hope that you start to feel better soon, all the best x

[mammo]

You do sound very depressed and who wouldn't be.  Sometimes we are so busy helping others with grief and trying to be strong for them, that we don't do our own grieving.  It's all hit you at once.  Try writing down your feelings, a journal of sorts, or even write letters to the ones you've lost.  Putting your feelings down on paper truly does help.  It takes time for your heart to heal, but it will get better, not sure how or why, just that it does.  Seeing your psych is the best thing for you right now.  He can find out exactly what it all is and help with therapy and/or medications.  You always have us, we are just like you dealing with a lot of pain, anxiety, fears, you name it.  So, know you're not alone in your pain and struggle, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't get to say good-bye to my son, I know the pain this causes you.  I'd give my life to be able to hug my son and say those words.  It's okay to re-live those times, you're grieving and it's all so fresh.  But you know in your heart that your brother knows how much you love and miss him, he truly does. There are no words of comfort for you right now, I just hope knowing that we're here to help you in any way we can helps. Keep writing to us, this will help you get those feelings out and we can help you with this. Everyone here is very caring and they do understand, so please stay with us.  Big hugs to you, be strong and take care.

[weescott]

You poor thing. Having that many deaths in your family during that period of time would make anyone have depression. Im sorry you can't deal with things. It really seems like you have alot of depression and anxiety. The ocd symptoms could possibly be your bodies overeaction with stress. I know someone who had that hers was short term, but everybodies different.Talk to a psychiatrist but I would definetly try to get on some anxiety and depression medication like Zoloft, cymbalta, or lexapro. At times when we grieve we try and forget and then it suddenly comes back to us then we are even more depressed and anxious thinking that it crept up on us. But it was really there along we just tried to push it aside. It doesn't seem like you had a very good grief counselor to help you. Understand that with that many deaths it will take time for your heart to heal. You shoulsn't be afraid to talk to someone try going to another therapist and try talking with close friends.  The good thing is , is that you realized you needed help. Youare not out of your mind you seem to be strong, it may not seem like it but im 20 and i could never handle something like you did