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My life has been a nightmare, MDMA-psychosis-SA-panic help!

Hi first post to these forums. Looking for any support if anyones been through this type of problem before or could maybe give me some tips. So I am not a big drug user, I've smoked pot a couple times in highschool, have taken lsd on one occasion and hated it, but through the past couple years have taken mdma probably 10-20 times or so. Anyways i am 23 now, a couple months ago i went out partying ( i suppose i should add im a weekend binge drinker since highschool days ) i ended up buying what i thought was mdma one night, took it while i was already drunk and on a 6 dayish bender (was on vacation) by the end of the night i was losing my mind... I was going to police begging for help, begging please take me to the hospital i felt i was completely going insane... Than i enter another realm of reality, literally.

I am now in a room full of doctors doing tests on me. They diagnose me unfixabley insane and decide i will have to be 'put down' i get stuffed in solitude and am given a microphone through which all my freinds and family i love are on the other side, i am to give them my last words before i get put to sleep... Balling my eyes i tell everyone i love them and iv made mistakes and apologize (this is all 100% real to me at this time) . They all laugh back, talk about how crazy i am and look forward to putting me out. (now there's more from here but i cant even type it its too deep to me)        All of a sudden i wake up, (This is 2 days later apparently)  i think i am in hell. For the whole day i am run through a routine of eating meals and hiding in my bed. I am too scared to talk to anyone at this point. The next day i wake up, get the courage to talk to somebody, i am in the psych ward in the hospital i went into a drug induced psychosis. Next couple rough days later im let out.

For couple days i couldnt look anyone in the eye, had trouble talking to people especially people i didnt know, than soon recovered back to normal 'me'. I thought. A month went by and here comes hell (round two), i am getting panic attacks left right and center, having mental breakdowns constantly, social anxiety i can barely leave the house, am having to leave work constantly with these attacks (i went back to my fulltime job, never had an issue til now) I always feel in anything i do as if im being awkward or weird even if im not, always paranoid what people 'could' be thinking about me through every action, getting sleep paralysis often...sometimes a couple times in one night. Im fighting this with everything in every moment of every day. My doctor prescribes me on Clonazepam for a couple weeks. It helped at first but soon i was having worse episodes on it and stopped taking it. I have been practising meditation and breathing techniques which have done more for me than anything else but this is controlling my life and starting to drive me down into depression and hoplessness.... I am at rock bottom, am writing this as i just had to leave work once again having one of these spells/attacks. Its been about 3-4  months since the incident of the psychosis ( i do not hear things or see things, only during the time i was out) , feels good just to write this down. I have an appointment with a mental health specialist next month, been to a counseling appointment didnt really helped just looking to get through... Mostly the social anxiety and panic attacks are killing me if anyone has had any experience i would love to hear it!!

Also stupidly iv gone out drinking a couple times through recovery and after a couple or more drinks i almost feel myself again, but my hangovers i get crazy dizzy now so i stopped. (which is probably a good thing or id possibly be an alcoholic too) . So ya sorry for the long post felt good to put that in writing. Hopefully it makes sense. My family and freinds have been so supportive of me through this and have done everything they can to cheer me up and try to get me back on my feet. But i would love to hear from someone who has been through something like before or knows of. Social anxiety *****! Panic attacks suck! I have troubling ordering food at drive throughs! Why is my head an *******! Anyone!
5 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi i will talk to you in an hour or so i have experienced similar things years ago hold on ok
Avatar universal
Hi im a 34 year old male and when i was 19 or so i  lost my mind i lived with three mates from school every afternoon it was a huge party with other mates calling in for beers bongs trips pills coke all sorts i was more carefull than most of my mates or so i thought if they took 1 and a half trips i took just a half etc... it made no difference they were fine but i got ultra paranoid and gradually started hearing voices i couldnt tell what was real or who i could trust my work went downhill i hid away i was jumpy always anxious completely paranoid 24/7i moved home and  once i stood listening through my door to my parents talk what i thought i heard wasnt what they were saying but i was convinced of what i heard bust out of my room and accused themof not loving me they were stunned ! A few weeks later mum just said come with me went to see a mental health doc talked to them / still paranoid  didnt trust them went to see them twice a week took about six antiphsycotic drugs till i found one that helped was on them for at least a year then slowly stopped about 6 months later i was still super anxious and went to an anxiety help class felt like a loser at first but it did help you can get through this especially with help from friends and family i did and they all knew nothing at all about mental illness i hope this helps you in some way
Avatar universal
Thanks for sharing! That seems to be right up the same sort of **** im going through right now. Glad to hear you got through it, you really find out how tough you actually are when you can pull out of a dump like that! Maybe il check into some classes. actually the only reason i havnt is i feel like im a weirdo or whatever going to places like that but i guess if its that or live like this forever. its hard explaining to people what your going through as they just see you as the normal you half the time yet every action you do seems like an obstacle. Crazy scary what your own mind can do to you, thanks for the hope really nice to here this is conquerable!
Avatar universal
Hi. I experienced something really similar after smoking weed chronically and taking a fair bit of MDMA for about a year. At first I just got paranoid, when I would hear some school kid or teenager make a comment about me in public I would think it was somehow connected to the last incident of someone commenting about me. Later on it turned into full blown auditory hallucinations involving the 'neighbours' (it sounded like the voices were coming through the walls and I was conceived it was real) talking about me. I even accused my roommates and friends of having conversations that apparently never actually happened. I've made a lot of steps toward recovery after moving back in with my mother but when I slip up and smoke weed again I start feeling paranoid and sometimes hearing voices again.

I thought I was socially anxious before, hah, now I'm so hyper aware of what people might be thinking of me at any given moment, it makes it a real struggle to interact with people.. Especially new people.

Just wanted to share my story even though I have no real advice, reading yours made me feel better because I'm not the only one, so I hope mine does the same for you.  
Avatar universal
Hey M so relieved I came across here, yeah I've experienced the same thing. But I used mdma almost every other day for 2 months straight but one night I took over a stressly recommended dosage (about double) from a new buddy and literally lost my mind. Started having delusions and being paranoid all the time. I can't smoke weed anymore because when I do I get panic attacks and I've been smoking weed wvwryday for two years.now I can barely leave the house with out having break downs about everything and had to stop seeing and talking to almost all my friends, can't go to big public/ crowded places and get paranoid about people watching me and cameras. I feel like I know too much and the world is out to get me . Now I'm trying to detox as quick as possible with a lot of vitamin c and trying my best to get my depressed *** out of bed everyday and attempt to do anything productive or useful to myself or society
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