Need help for my daughter!

[sunnyshinestars]

Hi.
Im posting about my daughter. Sorry if its too much information but I need to say what happened to her so someone can help me.
My daughter was 18 last year. This happened around March 2011. She had a temporary role from Dec 2010 to beginning of March 2011. She started to like an older at her job who was 32. We werent to happy about her seeing him as he was so much older than her. He asked her a few times to go the movies but me & my husband told her no. She kept arguing with my husband wanting to go with him & my husband said no aswell. She finished her job beginning of March 2011 & moved in with her friend. She stayed with her for two weeks & she came back home first week of April. One night in the first week she was back home she said 'mum, I think I lost my virginity to the man at work.'
This is when the problems started. She wanted to remain virgin untill marriage. She told him that & was comfortable with some things he did to her but she was unsure about vaginal things. He did not put his penis in her but he fingered her, put a vibrator in her & she started bleeding. She went to his house three times. She started crying & told me 'I asked him will I still be a virgin if you do that & he said yes. When I bled I asked him should you be doing that & he said yes.'
She started texting him calling him a *********, rapist, saying she trusted him, told all of his friends. He got really nasty towards her calling her a ***** for telling his friend & her parents. He said if she continued texting him he would visit me & my husband. I dont know if he did this on purpose to her or not. Now shes having screaming fits, writing letters, saying she wants to kill him & torture him with a taser. She said her brain hurts like their are nails digging into it. She thinks about what happened to her all the time. We went away overseas & someone did it to her again. She said she was scared to say no after what happened with the other guy & let this one do it. This happend in July of lastyear.
There has been a big change in her. She sits there & doesnt talk, her face is lifeless & looks like she is starring into space. She is obssessed with the internet. She keeps googling ''Am I still a virgin if I get fingered?'' She infected her laptop with a virus & her older sister has taken her laptop off her & put a password on it. She went absolutely crazy. My husband tried to calm her down but she got so mad she ripped his necklace off his neck & they both got into a punch up fight.
I called the first guy she was with 'Did she ask you if she would still be a virgin each time she stayed?' He replied 'yes, but she asked me what I believed & to me thats not losing it even when she was bleeding. She said ok so I proceeded with it.'' When we came back home from our holiday she rung him up & said the same thing to her. She said to him 'but you knew I had not done anything before & you didnt do anything the other time, so why then?' She said he was quiet & gave no answer. She just keeps having screaming attacks & no one as in family, doctors & counsellors will believe her she isnt a virgin anymore.
I told her a whole finger cant go inside, only the first knuckle under the nail as a mans finger is bigger & thats why she bled. Does anyone know how far a finger can in? I keep telling her she is still one & that I wouldnt lie to her & she wont believe me either. My other daughter is bossing her around & taken hwr phone & laptop off her. Me & my husband tolld her to give it back but she wont listen to us & I dont know what to do with her either. I am so stressed out I dont know what to do anymore. Im so  sad to see my daughter like this. I sleep in her room now cause she doesnt sleep. She has a habitt of picking her skin under her feet. Her soles are so thin & she has blood marks from where she pulled it off.
I am really sad to say this but she has gone crazy. Me, my husband & her sisters keep telling her its nothing. But she keeps saying 'why did I bleed then? & my husband wouldve done that to me' She used to be such a lovely girl, everyone loved her even the older generation, she was so polite & caring to everyone. Now she seems like a ghost & I dont know what to do to help her to her normal state. I have sent her to a counsellor but this one isnt very good, I might have to send her to another one. I just wish I could fix this for her. I told her fingering is just playing like with kissing but she said 'Lesbians say they lose their viirginity when they do that.'
I know a lesbian & do you think it would be appropriate for me to ask her this?
I am running out of ideas & I just want my daughter back.

[nursegirl6572]

Hi hon, this thread is several months old.  It's always better to start your own thread.  You'll get mnore answers that way.

As for your question, there are differing opinions on this, based on cultural differences, and other factors.  Some people believe if the hymen has not ruptured, then virginity is still intact.  Still others believe that penetration of the vagina with a penis signifies the end of virginity.  Personally, that's how I feel.  I feel if you have been penetrated by a penis, then you're no longer a virgin.

Why do you ask?  Is being a virgin important to you?  If it is, even though you've had a sexual experience, that doesn't mean you can't start abstaining from sex again.  The fact that some would not perceive you to be a "virgin" anymore may be bothersome to you, but in my opinion, it's holding true to one's own personal morals that is important.

[tete145]

hey , My names Latrcia , and I really juss want to know if iam stilll a virgin , because i had sex before , and the penis went inside and it was going in and out . but the problem is i didnt BLEED . so am i still a virgin ?

[mammo]

Your daughter needs some serious help and you might want to consider putting her in the hospital where she can get a thorough evaluation and the intense therapy she needs.  This needs to be nipped in the bud quickly or it will become more difficult as time goes on for her to get beyond this. She is obcessed with being a virgin, and to allow this to happen twice makes me think she is naive and not able to say no and mean it.  It's odd that she brings "Mary" into this as well.  I think the fact that she is taking this so hard and refusing to listen to anyone, that there's more to this than not being a virgin. You need to find out "why" this has taken her over the edge, somewhere along the way she felt she had to be perfect in every way and is being extremely hard on herself!  I do feel it was this man's responsibility to not take advantage of your daughter's innocence, but at the same time she should have stopped him right away since she didn't know what was going to happen as a result. As for the other daughter....you and your husband are the boss, so tell her that she either listens to you and abides by the rules or she can find some place else to live.  She's showing a big lack of respect for all of you and definitely not helping your daughter. Sit her down for a heart to heart and find out why she is behaving as she is and go from there.  She may be acting out due to all the attention her sister is getting, but regardless... it's your house...your rules. I know all of this is extremely difficult to deal with, but it's time for some tough love with one and serious medical help for the other.  You don't need to be talking to a lesbian.....a Gynecologist could tell her upon an examination.  But I don't think she is going to believe anyone at this point and that's why I suggest hospitalization.  We all make mistakes in our lives and regardless of how important this was to her, she should be able to handle this much better than she has and she needs to also accept responsibilty for her part in this.  It's sounds like she's getting worse, take her to a psychiatrist to determine what can be done at this point that is in her best interest.  I wish you all the best.

[sunnyshinestars]

Hi, thanks for your reply. But yes, Ive told her everything about sex that I can think of. I told her the hymen can break from other things & I told on my first time I didnt bleed. My husband even tried to tell her which was embarrasing for him.
She just keeps saying 'if I never went this wouldnt be happening & Mary never got fingered.'
As you said I think she's feeling guilty. Shes only had one boyfriend who is a family friend, he was her first kiss & thats all they did cause he knew she wanted to wait till marriage. Theyre still friends & hes tried to help her aswell but she doesnt wamt to tak to him. Him & his family (Im friends with the mother) came over last weekend & she stayed in her room & wouldnt come out. He knocked on her door & wouldnt open it or answer him.
She told me a part of her is missing & shes upset cause she cant get it back. She said maybe if my hymen gets fixed I will be normal again.
But yeah, its been over 400 days & its still a problem.

[dolphin8808]

Wow tough situation you are in and I am very sorry.  Your daughter sounds a bit obssessed with this which makes it harder to really get through to her. Does she know that some girls do not bleed even when they are a virgin because playing sports etc can cause their hymen to rip before actual penetration?  That it takes sexual intercourse to lose her "virginity" in that sense of the word?

I am not sure I can be of much assistance. It seems that your daughter is very much hung up on the fact that her husband should be the one to make her "bleed" to prove her virginity. But there are women who will not bleed for various reasons. She is still very much a virgin in every sense of the word.

Do you think she has done more then what she is telling you and that she is feeling guilty for it?