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Need help with everything really!

Hello! Thank you for reading this any help or advice is welcome.  I'm a 19 year old boy living in seattle. I live with my parents and have a lot of problems mentally ! I've been experiencing anxiety my whole life and it is ruining me to be honest. I've been diagnosed with depression, bi polar, panic disorder, agoraphobia and ocd. I've had these problems my whole life really , though they kicked up a next level in highschool. I remember when it all began too. I was sick for about 3 weeks and missed the beginning of freshman year. I returned after I was sick and had a huge panic attack after I got on the bus and went home. I tried going back a couple times but school just became a war zone of anxiety for me and I ended up being homeschooled . I also had to quit my one love which is soccer a year later because of anxiety as well. I remember everyrime I was on the field or practicing I'd be so scared of criticism and I'd make my self sick. It was hell for me because I was always told how far I could go and I didn't get to fulfill that dream because of stupid anxiety ! For the next 2 years I became very depressed and lost a lot of friends from not being at school and what not. I gained a lot of weight and basically played video games all day. I finally got motivated and lost the weight and all that but my life still isn't that productive . for about six months everything was lovely and I could go out and have fun with friends but now I get anxiety even if I go to the gas station. ( I don't have a license by the way )another anxiety problem. I just feel my anxiety conquers me and I know people say you have to get a grip of it but I feel like it really grabbed me and took ahold of me and I can't do anything about it. Now I'm almost 20 living with my parents and only having a part time job at my dads company. My days consist of getting up in the morning. Eating. Do some school on the computer. Play some Xbox. Workout for 2 hours at 7-9 . play some more Xbox then go watch TV until I fall asleep at about 3 am. Im a very weird kid in regards of personality . I change a lot! One day I'll be super happy guy and be creative and what not. Then the next I'll be mean and not want to talk to anyone and just blast my music all day. I remember in 8 the grade I was a super bubbly kid and everyone wanted to be around me and I was super confident . now I fear what everyone thinks of me. I have to be perfect to everyone or it kills me. I want everyone to find me attractive and to like me! I also have a really bad sleeping problem. Though im sure its just bad discipline .  but all in all I just feel like my life is going no where because of my anxiety . I can't go out in the world. I'm so scared. I get sick. I feel bad. Unconfident. And I really think its something chemical in my brain and ugh. So frustrating I wish I knew someone who was just like me so we could work it out together. I've never been super suicidal but I have wanted to kill myself and die before because of all the pain I've been through with anxiety. I know someone always has it worse but with my personality and the way I'm being held back and looking like a loser kills me. I'm writing this in search for help and guidance . also if you have something like this feel free to message me because I understand . I truely do . this is living hell . I rather have 3 days of life left anxiety free than a life full of anxiety . I'm stressed out now because I really want to get my point out to you how bad i am! Its not just some little anxiety you get before a school play or something like that. I live a life controlled and ran by anxiety and side effects. Thank you for reading ! Yes I know I'm messed up haha



Meds I'm taking : gabapentin ( bi polar meds ) don't know if I spelt it right sorry!  

Venaflaxin 37.5

Propanoyol ( blood pressure and anxiety )
4 Responses
11369760 tn?1449504372
I certainly sympathize with you and your anxiety.  Your situation deserves a larger, informed response than I can offer.  However, I do think that proper counseling would be beneficial to you.  With your parents help or through your family physician, find a counselor who deals with anxiety issues.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your concern! I do see a specialist on the topic but I feel like people don't understand. I try to give my best input but its really difficult.  
Avatar universal
I'm not sure you're actually on any medication for true bipolar, so I'm going to guess this is just another form of depression.  Gabapentin is a pain medication for nerve pain that is also used off label for anxiety, but not for true bipolar as far as I know.  Wish I could be of more help, but it's important to understand your meds.  I kind of wonder, what's the real problem here, depression first or anxiety first?  Because from my own experience your antidepressant is not the best for anxiety, though it can work -- the ssris tend to be used for anxiety more than the snris, which can be stimulating.  So the only thing I would say is, the meds you're on, if you're still suffering this much, don't appear to be the right mix and that's something to investigate, at the least.  What you don't mention is whether you're in therapy with a specialist in anxiety such as a practitioner of CBT.  Are you?
Avatar universal
Ya I wouldn't say I'm that bi polar. I use to get frustrated alot and would change interests back and forth. I believe that could have had a lot to do with just being a teenager and going through hormones . I believe it is anxiety first that is my problem . the anxiety is bringing depression because I can't get out into the world and I'm feeling useless.  Also in terms of the meds I have also been on xanax and clonazapen. Didn't really work for me because of all the side effects it was giving me. Yes I am in therapy with a practitioner of CBT. Just started a couple months ago. I can say that I'm a lot better than I use to be a few years ago but I'm still struggling . just last summer though i felt like I was making a come back and I was getting out in the world and then all of the sudden anxiety starting haunting me again.
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