Not Really Sure What's Going On With Me

[pooldrops5]

Hi everyone,

My name is Nico and I am a 22 year old gay young man. I live in FL and have a very nice life. However, for the past two years I've been going through some tough emotional and psychological stress. Worried because for this extended amount of time I have not been feeling at all like myself. I'm worried. In the past I was extremely confident, very social and well liked. I want to get back to MYSELF, but I need some help understanding what this is and what I have to do.

Very Quick Back Story
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Came to college. Did great at school. Very involved -- excelled. Had a very emotional breakup with an ex-boyfriend from high school. Cried a lot over him. Took about a year to get over. Only way I was able to get past those feeling was by meeting a huge group of new friends. Was engulfed by this family of people. Met another man who was three years older than me -- he was very popular in this group. He and I were a lot alike in our goals and dreams for life. He and I were best friends for two years. He liked me as more than a friend, but each time he asked to be more I said no. Told him I wanted only friendship. He was hurt, but kept on with spending tons of friend time with me. Eventually I realized I wanted more with him after a trip out of country. Came back and told him. He was so mad. He refused me and things spiraled into a huge mess. 6 months I was lost in depression. Finally, we ended up collecting on a rocky same page and agreed to be boyfriends. We were together for a SAD four months. We fought a lot. The relationship I loved with him so much had basically fallen apart. So sad, because we were so right for one another. When we broke up I tried to hang on to mutual friends, but eventually it became to hard. They were always out on the town with him, and would hardly give me time. Socially, I do not have as much stamina as he does. He has a magic way with people and forms tight, tight relationships with them that I just don't know how to develop. He's more witty than I am, and apparently more fun. He puts a lot of money into parties for huge groups of people at his house.
In any case, I moved to another part of town after college. Really excelled at my job for my young age. Have been doing great career wise. However, I just have not been able to get over HIM. My mind every single day (except when I loose myself in work at the office) seem to be locked on him and my missing of his best friendship and then the relationship. Two years after breaking up I still have not found anyone I feel the same enormous feelings for. Wrote him a letter the other week, and had a very friendly dinner with him. Told him in a very mature way that I still have those feelings and miss him immensely. He let me know that though he loves me, and that I was his first real love, that he just does not feel the same any longer.
Next week I am moving to another part of the state about an hour 1/2 away for work reasons. I don't plan to be in this new city very long before moving yet again up to New York (again, for career reasons).

How I'm Feeling Now
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I feel very alone inside. I feel very lost in my mind. Text message and phone calls don't come like they used to when I was in that huge group. I feel disliked sometimes. Yet, when I go out to a club I'm always greeted and hugged by many smiling faces. When I feel comforitable, and I'm well slept and up to it, I can have a great conversation. Then again though there are so many days where I feel like I'm slipping into some weird socially anxious place. I find my brian working faster than my mouth sometimes .... I feel myself constantly looking for witty things to say, so that people will like me more. I associate my ex-boyfriends popularity with how many inside jokes and special relationships he formed with people. I just don't know how to do it. It's really difficult. I feel like I am an great, attractive guy, and I haven't been on a date with anyone in months. Men that I am physically and mentally into just don't seem to like me. I feel awkward now.

I don't know what this might be called ... only thing I could imagine was ANXIETY. If that happens to be it, I don't know if a mild anxiety medication might be in order.
I will take any sort of suggestions. I just want to make myself better, and get my drive and my constant great social skills back.

-Nico

[NicoleWyo]

Nico, I am not really sure if this fits but it almost sounds somewhat like borderline personality disorder. From what I know of it, it usually starts from a traumatic situation. Honestly, I have been told that people think I have it. If I do, I am almost certain it started from a hard breakup. One that sent me into a total questioning of myself and my value. The only thing that makes me think it might not be is that you are functioning at work and it is more common in women. I wish I could give you more of an answer. You obviously have alot going for you so keep your head up. Good luck with everything.

[jul04]

Hi NIco,

It does sound like you are depressed.  You seriously need to take time to really take care of yourself.  Make sure you are eating right and getting enough excercise.  You mentioned you are moving.  Well that might not be a bad thing.  Take this opportunity to make new friends and try and get out more.  Right now it seems as if things are never going to get better but over time they will.  Especially once you start taking care of yourself and getting out more.  Maybe talking with a therapist might help you.  As hard as it is try and stay positive and take care of yourself and things will get better.  Best of luck....I hope you start feeling better soon!!!

[tina0214]

hi nico,

Honestly it sounds like depression! it sounds like you a very sensitive man and you have tried your hardest to apease everyone but yourself! have you ever taken medication? i hope you feel better soon! take some time for yourself!