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1611340 tn?1298262863

Obsessional Thoughts, Existential Anxiety, Psychosis?

I have been dealing with some strange thoughts and feelings that I am no longer sure are just anxiety. I was even diagnosed at the hospital as having 'complex anxiety disorder' with OCD tendencies? What does that even mean? Sounds like they couldn't come up with a proper diagnosis. And that is how it has been with the many psychiatrists/counselors/etc. that I have seen.

Although I certainly experience my fair share of textbook anxiety, there are some other things that accompany it that are confusing and surreal.

for instance, I have intense deja vu at least 10 times a day, and often times I feel out of it, experencing memories of dreams or past experiences (no significant experiences, just random memories or dreams) and they seem to overcome my regular thinking and thoughts of what is going on right now. It is difficult to explain, but the best way I could describe it is as if they are these moments of zoning out and having deja vu or these random memories.

Also, I have this strange over powering urge to jump whenever I am near any sort of height. I used to pass it off as anxiety, but usually it doesn't even cause anxiety anymore. It's more of a matter of fact now. And it becomes so overwhelming that I can feel myself doing it almost. It's as if there is some visceral urge in me to want to do so. I feel like my subconscious is trying to destroy me.

Now, I am experiencing a lot of existential anxiety about the nature existence, and bla bla bla, but the strange ways that it manifests itself does not seem to make things much clearer for me.

When I have these urges to commit suicide, I wonder if I am even meant to live. I don't want to die, but it has become such a huge part of my life, these thoughts and fears, that sometimes it seems like a logical thing to do.

I also often associate that with some sort of climactic end to my life, or that it would be a form of enlightenment. I don't actually believe that, but it is all part of the complex cyclical way of thinking that my brain goes into when in these situations. And it isn't always situational. sometimes i'll even be sitting on the couch and start feeling like I want to jump.

It has certainly become an obsession, and was a large part of the reason I went to the hospital a few months ago in the first place. I have been experiencing this for a bout a year now, so please no comments saying that I need 'to seek help'. I've sought after help, and have received close to none.

Sometimes I feel depressed too. But I can feel the chemicals in my brain working, where everything will feel hopeless and overwhelming for no reason, then slowly i'll start to forget and sort of go back to normal.

I definitely can also tell my nerves are shot from the years that I have struggled with anxiety. I get numb, light headed, etc. And every day is a struggle.

Everything seems unreal most of the time. And I feel sometimes that every minute reality will just crumble around me, like this is all the matrix.

I used to fear that this is some sort of psychosis, or that I am going into some sort of schizophrenia. But I am extremely aware, introspective, and often times hypersensitive to everything within me, and around me. the hypersensitivity doesn't help when I go on medications either, I end up becomg overwhelmed by the side effects and have to quit.

If anyone could give any advice as to what's going on, or ideas, it'd be appreciated.

I am incredibly overwhelmed, and despite my lust for life, and stubborness, I don't know if I could live like this forever.
3 Responses
1699033 tn?1514116733
Hi there.  First of all let me say that you don't have to live your life like this forever.  You said you have been to "psychiatrists, counselors, etc." and that you have received close to no help.  What have they done for you other than say you have "complex anxiety disorder with OCD?"  If they are just paying you lip service, then you are not talking to the right people.  

Anxiety presents itself in many ways and your depersonalization/derealization is one of those ways.   Your obsession about feeling the urge to "jump" is your OCD.  Doing so would obviously have dire consequences, one that you don't want, and so it is an irrational thoughts that you have latched onto.  That is how OCD works.  That which you are the most afraid of tends to stay around and the more you feed into it the worse the OCD cycle gets.  

The Psychologists should be teaching you coping mechanisms and perhaps even referring you to a psychiatrist for medication.  Now I know medication is not for everybody and some people are dead set against it but for the majority of the people on this forum, medication and/or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) have given us our lives back.  You made no mention of medicaiton so I am assuming you are not on any.  

The first thing to do is to find a GOOD Psychologist who specilizes in CBT.  From there, you can both decide which route you want to go in; CBT alone or adding medication.  You need somebody who is going to listen to you, diagnose you, and treat you.  It does not sound to me that these people you have been seeing are a good fit for you.  You can search the web for psychologists that specialize in CBT that are in your area.  

Here is the website:  http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

Please keep us informed as to how you are doing.  We are all here for you and you absolutely don't have to life this way.  So many people have been in your shoes on this forum and have gotten better.  

Avatar universal
Hello there. I also have OCD but mine is health related. I feel like I have this illness or that illness and every single symptom I have a cough or a twitch is a terminal disease. What I've learned is that where the OCD kicks in. All I think about over and over is about how I'm dying and that the cough is just the begining of the end and I see myself in the hospital blah blah o fcourse with this comes the horrible horrible fear and the anxiety. So I've noticed that I can't stop thinking about it and it plays over and over in my mind even if I'm with friends or in a store or anywhere I'm still thinking about it and noticing every single sensation in my body every single thing!!! I am always on high alert. I've gone to psychologists and I haven't found one that I truly feel can or has helped me and I have gone to several. I've ended up on zoloft and it was hard because if my stomach gets upset( it's a side effect) then I start the routine allll over again. But after the side effects have subsided and not all of them do I do feel a lot better, I feel like my OCD is not as terrible and believe me when I tell you that I would rather take a pill and feel better than to be going crazy all the time. I guess my point is that you can't give up or feel defeated you have to be your own advocate because you are worth it. Search and search for answers and you will start to understand what is happening and WHY. This anxiety/OCD thing is difficult because the doctors, psychlogists, psychiatrists can't tell you exactly what is going on but there are techniques to help. I've often asked them what happened to me why am I like this was it trauma is it a chemical imbalance???? And they usually say um it can be both but um um. lol. Good luck don't give up just look for help. This is like a journey I've lived with this for 18 looooong years and I'm hoping and praying that one day it goes away or at least I wont get so hysterical about it. Keep us posted.
Avatar universal
Sometimes tylenol helps there's been research on it so I have it a try. It's just something convenient that relaxes your mind when it's telling you something's wrong. It can cause liver damage if used regularly so I suggest trying it if your ever feeling any existential angst at the moment but not making it a regular medication, although liver failure sounds a hell of a lot more manageable than the feeling that comes with that confusion of reality/matrix feeling.  
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