What I'm about to say is extremely embarassing and I have been holding this secret in for years. I can no longer cope with it, I feel disgusted, ashamed, and very depressed because of it.
Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself. About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as I know many of you may think this is the root cause of my issues.
I have had talks with two different therapists and they both said there was nothing wrong with what I did, I was just a curious young girl. However, I can't seem to hold on to what they tell me. I think I would like to get the opinion of the general public.
First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. Both therapists have told me that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset. Secondly, one main reason that i'm depressed is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a child!! Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing?? PLEASE PLEASE help me, I can't stop crying and I feel like my life isn't worth living because of this stupid thing I did as a kid. Is this really so abnormal to 'experiment' when you are a kid? I've heard that masturbating with objects and stuffed animals isn't considered abnormal for children, so could a pet really be any different??