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Avatar universal


I don't know what is happening at the moment. I had some really bad anxiety about 5 months ago, like I was having panic attacks all the time in the night and so never sleeping. I never left the house, I because a workaholic and would get really really shallow breathing everyday, for most of the day unless I had some work in front of me.

I had chronic headaches, and poor digestion, occasional pins and needles, which would freak me out. I had (still have) a huge fear of having a heart attack - or something related. I would not exercise, and them worry about developing heart disease. I was driving myself crazy. I was not sleeping for days, then I would have a huge panic attack and just sit on the bathroom floor shaking. People told me I looked blank, l felt like a zombie.

A couple of weeks later, this had got so bad that my mentality completely changed. I felt like my mind was totally disengaged. My parents thought I was depressed, but I felt nothing, just nothing. I felt like I was living in a dream, just gliding through every day in oblivion. I didnt sleep well but it didnt bother me. In fact I gave up going to bed.
It was probably just my coping mechanism?  

Anyway, I should probably cut to the chase, after this (since about 3 months ago on and off) i pretty much decided to give up. I gave up working and being a perfectionist. I gave up personal hygiene and lived off tins of soup. I go out occasionally, get too drunk and feel terrible. I cut my self when im angry, or confused. Increasingly, I am feeling confused, I have exams soon, but I cant work, my thoughts are racing, i am driving myself crazy. I usually do not go to bed until 3am, and suffer the next day, as although my minds awake, it affects me physically. I do not know why I do this, I think I am just too used to the idea that the night is for thinking, writing, crying... not sleeping.
I think on the outside I seem quite normal, I make an effort to go to school, I talk to my family, I smile (even when I am  feeling awful) as it is a nervous reaction. So no one worries. But I am worried now, because I don't feel like I have a future. I do not have any interest anymore I what I used to want to do. I can't be bothered to think about university. I am just not interested. I don't like going out in the day, I like to be at home, but as long as no one else is there.

I don't know whether I am burned out, or quite what is the problem, but I am headed for disaster. I am about to fail my exams, but my parents are sick of hearing it. I said that I feel constant nervous tension, and I can't think straight. and I even said that I am an insomniac (this is stretching the truth) but just say that life will only get more stressful and I need to learn to cope. Is this coping? I thought so for a while, but now I am just so confused. I cannot work at all, and I cant stop thinking. It is as if my thoughts are having a conversation in my head. It is so annoying! I don't actually want a future.

Is there anything I can do? Is this even anxiety anymore? I don't feel anxious apart from racing thoughts, I feel like I have given up, and not in a good way. I am just reckless and I don't care, I don't even look when I am crossing the road anymore. What can I do that doesn't involve talking to anyone else?
3 Responses
Avatar universal
You are talking to someone else.  Your reaching out for help right now.  So, what's wrong with that. Everyone on here has had to reach out for help.  

Sometime's it take's someone with some knowledge in this "disorder" to kind of help us sort thing's out and set us on the right track.

Try it, seek some help, I know it will help you
Avatar universal
I feel sooo sorry for you... You sound young and hopeless. Please dont give and find the strength that you have deep inside you and GET HELP! You cant do this alone! Talk to your family or a very close friend. Have you tried any medications yet?
Avatar universal
I know that you don't want to talk to anyone and I can completely understand that!  What you are going through makes you feel as though you are out of control and confused.  I have been there.  Anxiety can ruin your life if you let it!  You have to stand up to it and unfortunately the very thing you don't want to do is the very thing you have to do and that is talk to someone.  

I found it really comforting to talk to people who didn't know me about the problem I was having because they had no pre-conceived notions of me and I dodn't have to pretend to be anything.  I found a counseling service on my University Campus and just spilled my guts and then after I did that I was better able to talk to the people that needed to know like my family and my doctor.  Talking has been the best medicine for me even though I take plenty of medicine to make it so that I CAN cope.  Having people know what I was going through and walking along side me gave me so much freedom to know that it is ok that I have this disorder and that I have people that love me anyway!  

The simple fact that you came on here and typed shows me that you have the desire to want to get better!  Please find comfort in that.  You have made a big step even if talking on here makes it so that you can go and talk to someone else is worth every moment that you put into it!

Please know that there are a lot of people out here that are suffering in the same way and in many cases worse then you.  You are not alone and there are a lor people that would love to help you!  I pray that you would let them!

May GOd bless your night!  I will pray for a restful nights sleep!
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Arlington, VA
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