I don't know what is happening at the moment. I had some really bad anxiety about 5 months ago, like I was having panic attacks all the time in the night and so never sleeping. I never left the house, I because a workaholic and would get really really shallow breathing everyday, for most of the day unless I had some work in front of me.
I had chronic headaches, and poor digestion, occasional pins and needles, which would freak me out. I had (still have) a huge fear of having a heart attack - or something related. I would not exercise, and them worry about developing heart disease. I was driving myself crazy. I was not sleeping for days, then I would have a huge panic attack and just sit on the bathroom floor shaking. People told me I looked blank, l felt like a zombie.
A couple of weeks later, this had got so bad that my mentality completely changed. I felt like my mind was totally disengaged. My parents thought I was depressed, but I felt nothing, just nothing. I felt like I was living in a dream, just gliding through every day in oblivion. I didnt sleep well but it didnt bother me. In fact I gave up going to bed.
It was probably just my coping mechanism?
Anyway, I should probably cut to the chase, after this (since about 3 months ago on and off) i pretty much decided to give up. I gave up working and being a perfectionist. I gave up personal hygiene and lived off tins of soup. I go out occasionally, get too drunk and feel terrible. I cut my self when im angry, or confused. Increasingly, I am feeling confused, I have exams soon, but I cant work, my thoughts are racing, i am driving myself crazy. I usually do not go to bed until 3am, and suffer the next day, as although my minds awake, it affects me physically. I do not know why I do this, I think I am just too used to the idea that the night is for thinking, writing, crying... not sleeping.
I think on the outside I seem quite normal, I make an effort to go to school, I talk to my family, I smile (even when I am feeling awful) as it is a nervous reaction. So no one worries. But I am worried now, because I don't feel like I have a future. I do not have any interest anymore I what I used to want to do. I can't be bothered to think about university. I am just not interested. I don't like going out in the day, I like to be at home, but as long as no one else is there.
I don't know whether I am burned out, or quite what is the problem, but I am headed for disaster. I am about to fail my exams, but my parents are sick of hearing it. I said that I feel constant nervous tension, and I can't think straight. and I even said that I am an insomniac (this is stretching the truth) but just say that life will only get more stressful and I need to learn to cope. Is this coping? I thought so for a while, but now I am just so confused. I cannot work at all, and I cant stop thinking. It is as if my thoughts are having a conversation in my head. It is so annoying! I don't actually want a future.
Is there anything I can do? Is this even anxiety anymore? I don't feel anxious apart from racing thoughts, I feel like I have given up, and not in a good way. I am just reckless and I don't care, I don't even look when I am crossing the road anymore. What can I do that doesn't involve talking to anyone else?