You do NOT need to go to a psych ward, but you desperately need professional help.
I would suggest you show your post to your mother and grandmother, who seem to be supportive, and tell them you want help.
You have so much bad stuff in your head that doesn't belong there, it's no wonder you feel stuck and trapped.
Ever watched a caged rat running on one of those wheels in their cage? I'm not saying you're a rat, but you are running yourself sick and not getting anywhere.
If your mom won't help, please reach out to a school counselor, your clergy person, a friends parents, a relative............any adult you trust and who will help you get the help you need.
Believe it or not, what you're going through is not all that uncommon for young women your age. Puberty is rough, at best, for most and a nightmare for others. You've just gotten yourself so worked up and freaked out, so hard on yourself and negative about life. You just need someone to guide you through this maze you've created.
You WILL get through this but before you hit bottom, reach out for some help. You'll be soooo glad you did.
(Some day you'll understand why most adults say they would NEVER go through puberty again for all the tea in China)
Life isn't easy and we all need help now and again. Why do you think I came to this site years ago? And it's been a good 50 years since I escaped puberty with my sanity barely intact.
We are always here if you need to talk, but none of us has the professioanl credentials to offer you the kind of help you need AND deserve.
Please stay in touch, OK?
Oh thank you so much for saying something to me Greenlydia. I really appreciate everything you said and I will get professional help. I just need to keep working harder at getting out of the house and work my way up to doing things you know? I tell my mom and grandma everything and I definitely will show them this.They're both the most supportive people ever. I posted this while I was having a major meltdown and I've calmed down but I get extremely sad and angry like that alot of the time. So I do need some help. And I am afraid of psych wards, I mean I'm not suicidal, I'm just going crazy. And I will stay in touch.:) Thank you so much!
Oh honey, I remember being your age and being depressed about boys. Now I'm twice your age and the boys who you think were such a big deal then, become nothing but a faint memory. If the two of you keep breaking up, it's probably not meant to be. And if having sex with him made you this emotionally attached, I'd consider abstaining from that until you're sure you're able to handle that type of relationship again (and the possibility of becoming a parent).
You don't need to go to a psych ward, but you do need help. What you're suffering from is agoraphobia. There are lots of people on this site who know exactly what that feels like. My life was great until December, when out of nowhere, my anxiety took over. I go very few places without feeling panicked. My best advice is that you get rid of the reminders of your former boyfriend if they are making you feel bad, so that you can get good sleep in your own bed. Also, you mentioned taking 10-minute walks. Think of that as an achievement. Maybe tomorrow, shoot for 11 minutes, or bring the dogs with you. It may help distract your mind a bit. If you feel like you're making progress, then push towards the next step. Try going out somewhere...even if that means just walking into a store or a coffee shop and being able to stay in there for a minute or two. Each time you go out, the easier it should become. And if your sister is willing to go with you, that may help distract you. I'm going through the same thing myself and am pushing myself to go places. I know it's not easy, and I still don't feel well when I am out, but I don't feel well at home either. It does help having someone to talk to, though, to distract your mind.
If you aren't able to physically bring yourself to go into the therapist's office, maybe you could see if he / she would be willing to counsel you over the phone until you feel comfortable enough to go in to the office.
Aww I appreciate you saying something about this. I didn't think I'd get any response. I know I honestly wish I didn't have sex with him so early. But I can't change it now. And on Sunday I'm planning on going to buy shampoo with my mom, since she's telling me she won't get it unless I go with her, and I'm sure she's just trying to push me to get out. It's really hurting everyone around me as much as it is me. And my mom keeps telling me she'll go on a walk with me so hopefully I go with her tomorrow. I get to this crosswalk and I panic and turn around because I get scared the light won't change fast enough if I need to go back and I'll be stuck there. And I'm so sorry you feel this, it's really hard. And maybe I will call the therapist first, thank you for suggesting that, and hopefully I can work myself up to going to them!
Thank you for everything you said and all your suggestions I'll definitely try them all out.:)
Just thinking about you. Did you end going on a walk with your mom today? If so, how did it go?
No I didn't since there was an emergency with our dog Jessie. Apparently she has pyometra and has to go into surgery Monday. I freaked out the entire day because I was so worried for her so I of course didn't leave the house. But thank you do much for being concerned, I will definitely try tomorrow. I know I'm putting it off, I'm pretty disappointed in myself since I didn't do anything. But I'll keep you updated and let you know how it goes when I go?:)
I'm sorry to hear about your pup! I hope that surgery goes well and she heals quickly. Tomorrow's another day. I'm confident you can go get that shampoo!
Don't be sorry hopefully she gets better! And thank you! I'm going to try my hardest and push myself as far as I can go.:) I hope things are going good with you too! And whatever you're trying to achieve, I know you can do it.:) I appreciate you having faith in me!
So...how did today go? Were you able to make it out of the house?
I didn't go outside, I'm so disappointed.:( I got all ready to go shopping with my mom and sister but i didn't even go out the door!
I think the more important goal right now should be to get you, somehow, in front of a psychiatrist. The shampoo trick doesn't work.
While I believe your mother means well, she needs to understand more about agoraphobia. A person with this disorder cannot be bribed, bullied or blackmailed to leave their comfort zone. Forcing someone to do that (I am not saying your mother is forcing you) is a sure bet for disaster and major setbacks.
There is an Agoraphobia Forum on this site and it might be a good starting point for you to meet others who know what you're going through and some who have overcome their fear. You need to learn how to get to your therapy appointments so you can begin to overcome this. If your mom has to roll you up in rug and put you in the trunk of her car, then do it........(I hope you know that was a joke!)
You also have to stop being so hard on yourself. This is a disorder that must be overcome by taking baby steps. Every time you try and fail must be looked at not as "failure" but as the fact that you "tried." As long as you keep trying, you are NOT a failure and you need to stop being disappointed in yourself.
I see you made it outside for a full 10 minute walk. Instead of being down on yourself, you should see that as a huge accomplishment. As the above poster said, tomorrow try for 11 minutes (baby steps) and you'll feel your strength and courage growing stronger.
There are self-help books online for agoraphobia, and while I think these can help you and your family understand what you're dealing with, they cannot take the place of therapy. You have too many other issues complicating the issue. Understanding what underlies our issues helps to make them less of a mystery and that helps make them less frightening.
I also think you should see your family doctor for a complete physical check up. You say this all began about 4 years ago. Well, about 4 years you hit puberty. I'm not a doctor, but I do know that hormones can make us act and feel (and think) in some really bizzare ways. It would be worth it to have your hormone levels checked and your thyroid function as well. I really think you should rule out any sort of physical reason for your mental state.
While you may at times that you're going crazy, I can promise you that you are NOT. Did you know that people who ARE crazy NEVER question their sanity. It's true. You are questioning yours left, right and center, so chill, OK? There is no psych ward in your future.
Everything you've talked about with us is totally fixable, and I do understand that while we are in the middle of our crisis, it doesn't feel that way at all.
I can guarantee that in a couple years you'll look back at this period in your life with astonishment. I am NOT saying that there won't still be some lingering issues you'll be dealing with, but I'm 61, which is ANCIENT to you and I'm STILL dealing with stuff from my past. The years have just taught me to accept myself, my flaws, my fears and all the little weird things that make up who I am.
Don't ever give up but understand that YOU have to be proactive in your own physical and emotional health.
Be strong and head for that greener grass. It's where you belong.
I do try to take smaller steps. Like I know I can overcome this, it's just everything I do people make me feel like it's pointless because "it wasn't enough". I do think of my future, I wanna go to New York someday, with all those people! I wanna go to college, get married, have kids, I want to have a great life and I know I have that ahead of me. I just always have someone asking me what my plans for school are, I get told no one's gonna wanna take care of me when I'm older, it's like no one has faith in me. They act like I'll never get better. I keep trying to tell myself and everyone else that I've gotten out of sleeping all day on the couch and eating like an apple for lunch. I would sleep on the couch all day long, take forever long baths, and go back to sleep. I'm so proud of myself for getting out of that but no one else acts like they are. They expect me to wake up one day and be able to go shopping the way I did before. They should be proud I'm waking up every morning and getting myself ready. And yeah my mom is the most supportive and tries to help me the most, but I know she's getting tired of it. She even told me "Haley all this is getting old I can't do it anymore". And my dad, every time I try to get his help he suggests anti depressants and a psych ward, cause he doesn't want to deal with me. I understand he has three other kids with his new wife to take care of, but I'm his first baby I don't get why he wants to send me away like that. I understand this is all hard for everyone but no one puts how it makes me feel into consideration. I'm always told by everyone else they're so depressed and half of the reason they're so depressed is me, but no one ever tries to call me or ask me how I feel, no one listens to me when I say I'm extremely sad. My uncle treats me like crap cause he thinks it's all in my head, and maybe it is, but I've gotten so far into this and it's so hard to get out but I'm doing so much better than I was. And yeah I'm going very slowly it's just scary. People think it's impossible for me to be like this cause no one else in my family has had mental illness. But I don't think it depends on family right? Like it's not hereditary right? It's me, and my own head. And I hate explaining all my history from where this all started to now cause there's so much, and when I do explain it to people, they see it as excuses. I understand no one wants to be sitting there giving this a name and allowing me to fall deeper into it, but I need that. My grandma said it was anxiety in February when we went shopping. And when we walked into Walmart, I just froze and had to have her walk me out. And I kept feeling like my throat was closing off when I went to school so I always had to leave early. And I was going to a school where you go twice a week for one hour. I couldn't make it through that. And thinking back on it just makes me sad, cause I am disappointed. I want to have a life. All the kids in high school started school today and I couldn't be there at normal high school with them. I wanna make friends and be hugged and talked to. I wanna go back to school and have teachers like me and I wanna do these things but I have such a hard time. Oh and I'm a year behind in school so that makes everything even worse! I don't even know what to do. I don't know how to get in the car. I don't know anything anymore. All this is making me feel like I'm just wasting my life away because I clean the house and get ready everyday. I need to go out and see my friends and go shopping. I'm supposed to get my mom's car, but I can't even get in it. I have all these things ahead of me and I feel like I'll never get to them.