Ah, sweetie. I completely understand. This year for everyone has been truly nerve wrecking. Myself included. I'm very sorry about your sister. I have one sister and the thought of losing her, whew. That would be heart breaking. Even when she bugs me or makes me mad, she's still my only sister. And with our shared history and the level to which we know each other, that would be such a traumatic loss for me. So, I'm so very sorry about that. That is enough to make a bad year in itself. Then other issues. They say a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child. And when your daughter has issues, it is like you have them. At least for me. I feel it very deeply when my kids struggle. I hope that getting back together with your husband goes smoothly. I really do. He's interested in getting back together too so hopefully will treat you well and be empathetic to the hard time you are going through!
So, when we have an illness, we get treated right? Mental health can be the same. For some it is ongoing, their entire life combating it. For others (sounds like for you), it is episodes or situational. Treating it is probably the path to feeling better. Panic is dreadful. Feels terrible. Do you have a therapist? Right now, many in my area are doing teletherapy/virtual therapy. My son is doing this now. I think in person is best but just not always possible right now. Either way, it is very helpful to talk to someone. Share your feelings and get professional guidance. And as far as medication. Yes, I understand. I really don't like to medicate either. But sometimes, especially if the panic or anxiety or depression is impacting us greatly, it might be worth it. You have to weigh that out. There are good docs and bad ones. Some who just like to give you a pill and hope it is better (bad) and others who are more thoughtful and are trying to treat you the best way for your medical condition (good). Try a new doctor?
I have friends who go to the doctor about everything. I'm the opposite, I never go to the doctor most of the time unless I need to. I may have an obvious issue, but I'll hold out because what if the doctor tells me my heart is bad? lol. I mean, anxiety rears it's head in different ways depending on the person. Don't feel bad that you go often to the doctor. I don't, and should. :>) You are probably better off.
Got any neck tension or pain that is new? How is your sleep? Are you spending more time on the computer and your phone due to covid? I ask because any one of these things can cause headaches. This has been a horrible year. My wife is the most mentally balanced person I know and she has been stressed over what's happened over the last couple of years. I have a bad anxiety disorder and a lot of pain, and it's gotten way out of hand. My sleep hasn't been good for years, and is worse. I'm always on the verge of an anxiety attack and have stopped seeing doctors because they haven't helped me and covid. It's a bad year, just a really bad year. If you really think it's a physiological problem, you should see a doctor. Not to make this worse, but I've been taking Tylenol and frankly, it's a very dangerous drug too. If you have a doctor who just writes a prescription and doesn't try to get at the cause of the problem, see if you can find a new one. Most of them are trained to do that nowadays, they mostly work for large medical companies now and they don't control their own time, especially if you live in an urban area. But if you persist and don't do what they say and keep talking. they eventually should listen. And if you do think it's stress then see if you can find ways to cut that down -- they usual suspects are increasing exercise, doing yoga, meditating, deep abdominal breathing. Sex. It's a cliche to recommend these, but they often do work. I hope you find a peaceful place. And if this helps any, there really aren't a bunch of riots going on, and the crime rate is down. While a few large cities are seeing lots of murders, they are confined to parts of the cities that have a lot of gangs. I know this goes against what you're hearing, but it's what is factually true. For political reasons and for TV ratings these things are often emphasized beyond how widespread they actually are. There are a lot of demonstrations going on, but the rioting is mostly some vandalism and if you don't go where they're demonstrating, which is also confined to very small spaces in large urban areas, the rest of the country isn't experiencing this at all. It's just good for some folks to make it seem worse than it is. On that point, you can calm down. Peace.