WHY cant i move on? Feel like i'm dying inside..

[Julie359]

Right now my anxiety is worse than ever and i have become so fixated on my health.  All the anxiety is based on new symptoms i have developed over the last month that have progressivly become worse to the point that yesterday i couldnt take it no more and called an ambulance to take me to hospital, chest crushing sensation, dizziness, and not just anxiety dizzy i mean serious dizziness, feeling like i'm going to have a seizure all the time adn weakness.  Anyway after 2 ECG's, numerous BP checks and a nurological exam they couldnt find anything wrong.  The only thing that was a little off was my tempreture 37.9 and 2+ blood in my urine but the doc totally fobbed this off, didnt even consider it.   He just prescribed me with Diazipam 5mg and off i went, feeling so upset that yet again another doc has put all this down to anxiety.

For those who dont know me, i have suffered for 18yrs now with severe anxiety and have been having CBT for the past 6 months and i was making progress, even before the therapy i always had my head in a book about anxiety and how to overcome it, so i have all the tools, i know all about the if's, why's, when's and how's about anxiety but for some reason i dont seem to be able to put them into practice.  it is like i will start to slowly build up my confidence and feeling a sense of inner security and then BAM something enexpected witll happen that will throw me totally off and my instinct is to go into full panic mode, like i could be doing something simple like cooking dinner and i'll be stirring the sauce and i'll be overcome with dizziness that makes the room totally swirl, which makes me grab for the nearest stable object to stop me from falling over and lasts for about 10/15 seconds, then it passes and i go into panic mode and start to shake uncontrollably cause it has just scared the crud out of me, then i'll spend the rest of the day, evening etc... totally shaken up, with my anxiety sky high not wanting to move around the house too much, go straight to my bed to TRY to relax and isolate myself from my family saying i feel too ill...... It has become just far too much to handle and yet i have the knowledge within me, i have all the tools so WHY WHY WHY can't i apply them to myself....WHY can't i control this, WHy cant i move on?  

I have given so much advice on here to others, but right now i feel such a hipercrite for giving advice cause i can't even take my own.... I feel useless, pathetic, weak and just plain hopeless.  I feel like i just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel and i'm losing hope and confidence in my abilty to change my life.  If i have to live another year like i have lived the since June 09 to now i think i will kill myself.......I just don't think i have the strength any more!!

[Julie359]

You know it did cross my mind that the rubber band therapy is a form of self harm, when i was twanging away like a maniac it suddenly occured to me that this is the same kinda prinicple as people who self mutilate, to inflict pain on themselves to take away from the emotional pain/thoughts but only oviously to a much lesser degree.  I am smart enough however to not go down that road but i think in a younger more vunerable person this could easily turn into something more drastic.

Yesterday morning though i decided to use my meditation cd, literally crawled into bed at 9-30am after waking at 5, feeling like i was at deaths door, very anxious and started to go through the muscle relaxation exercise at the beginning of the session and within 10 mins of listening to it i was sound asleep.  Then with the exception of getting up to make lunch and a few snacks slept and dozed for the majority of the day, luckily my youngest daughter is with her dad or the two older ones would of had to entertain her and boy do i feel guilty about the kids and being this way!!  

hahahaha...so sillygirl you read that thread then, the one in which i was explaining all about my neighbourhood, well yea it is not safe only last saturday we had the street taped off with the police and ambulance crew literally next door to my home cause a fight had broken out between a group of guys and another single guy, anyway the single guy got his head caved in with a metal bar and his car windows were hammered, blood all over the road when i stepped out and this was at 4pm, think it had happened an hour before.  Thank God my little one was with her father as she loves to ride up and down on her bike, but i wont allow her to be out there alone she always has to have either myself or her sisters wacthing her, all i kept thinking that day was she could so easily of seen or got caught up in that..... Dam shame that freedom has been taken, what a world this is!

Anyway i'm going to go to the doc's Tuesday or Wednesday seeing as it's a bank holiday tomorra, to request a blood test or two, as yesterday i noticed that my blood glucose levels are high, they should be 2 hours after eating below 7 but mine were 10 and 11.0, i have imparied glucose tolerance which may or maynot have got worse and now i have diabetes.  Chatted to a woman over in the diabetes forum and she said my readings are not normal and gave me some good advice, she also said that a reading of 11.0 would cause dizziness.

I will take your advice on the nature focusing, i do go gaze at the flowers and bushes in my garden which look so beutiful and it does instantly calm me, just wish i didn't feel like i'm gona collaspe every 5 mins.

Thanks for your time and advice, means so much!

[29sillygirl]

I agree with Mitoe, Julie.  Take it easy on the technique.  You are determined I know to pull out of this latest crisis, but we don't want you in the ER with bleeding wrists!

You have been in therapy for 6 months, and I know you have been working hard at all your issues.  This is just a snag in your recovery.  Check further on the medical issues, then back to day at a time with the negative thoughts.

Forget if you meditate.  It is helpful to me.  Know you are busy with the children, but if you could take 15 minutes to sit and calmly let yourself just be. Breathing the only requirement, you can give your mind a break.  If you are too nervous to think about it don't give this suggestion a second thought.  

Another idea to distract yourself from all the worldly issues, is to take a short walk and focus on trees or other details in nature.  At my worst, I can step outside my apt. and just gaze at my favorite tree for a few minutes and feel refreshed. Again, just an idea.  You mentioned I believe that your neighborhood is not the safest: mine is mixed in that regard, so I drive by a nearby lake, and memorize the beautiful calm water surrounded by trees.

You are going to be OK.  Hang in there and post when you feel up to it.  Vents are fine as you know.  We all do it.  Even those of us who are 'top answerers'...LOL

[Mitoe]

Hi, i know exactly what your going through.
You had alot of help from the following posts.
Let me just say though.. The rubber band technique is a great one ;]
But please for the love of god, stay with a rubber band.
Alot of people find it helpful so much that they move onto self mutilation.
But im sure your smarter then that.
I hope so to, because ive seen that stuff in hospitals ive had to go in.
(do to anxiety/panic attacks)
This is all anxiety. Your will soon with the right meds and the right guiding,
Get through this.
I wish you luck, and never say you "cant move on." Because you can.
And you will, because this will end. I promise you.

[bbycrissy]

lol!
sorry if im interuppting this conversation
but i thought i mite add
that the rubber band technique
sounds like a pretty good idea!
and also made me laugh a bit lol
im having anuther slight setback
so just by reading your guys convo, kinda made me feel better
thanks everybody =p

[mammo]

You go girl! :o  I'm so happy you are working hard at beating this, and can find some humor in it all....good for you!!    

[Julie359]

I have ta tell ya my wrist is fairly sore right now...lol Ive been pinging it alot but i have ta say it is helping to distract me and yes it does hurt....ALOT!! LOL

[MMahon]

Thanks mammo...  I'm working on getting one side of my 'smile' to turn upside first but I think it's current form is pretty permanent!  :-)

[mammo]

Hi, I hear ya on the rubber band!  My husband used to laugh at my constand "ouches!"  It has helped me and the ones that I know who use it.  I once watched as a nurse just snapped, snapped and kept snapping her rubber band before I'd even heard of of this therapy.   It's worth a try, I would normall say "can't hurt and may help," but it will hurt and hopefully help.  I hope someday I see a smiley face next to your user name!  Take care.

[MMahon]

Some great advice given here!
I love that 'rubber band therapy' mammo.  Tho I think I'd have to add a little electrical current to my 'band' for best results when snapping!  :-)

Julie I can relate to so many things in your post.  Anxiety is truly like owning a rabid dog who bites you on occassion and you have to go thru long, painful treatments to get better.

For me I've come to the belief and understanding that my nervous system is different than the average human being.  I compare it to a 'tuning fork'.  Most people have large and thick ones that need a real good 'wack' to get them 'vibrating'.  But mine is thin and frail and a mild breeze has it 'buzzing and humming', sending my whole body completely off.  

I just searched 'tuning forks' for a picture and can't believe what i found.
"Vibrational Healing Therapies using tuning forks can bring balance, stress relief and even pain reduction through simple methods and techniques."
http://www.tuningforktherapy.com/
What will they think of next...

But I guess what I'm saying is my nervous system is my disability.  Like someone confined to a wheelchair for life, I'm confined to my nervous system.  I have memories of what it was like to have a normal one, distant ones at best, but I'm also keenly aware of people that do have normal ones and 'blame' myself frequently for not being like them.  Even though I know I can never be just like them.   I think people of most disabilities think this way at one time or other.
Part of the problem is that anxiety is frequently seen differently then other disabllities and not seen as one by those inflicted by it.  Most people experience anxiety but most people aren't disabled by it.  For me accepting this is one of it's biggest hurdles.
Well there I go rambling again...
I think you have the insight and iinformation, all you need.  You are having a 'flare up' and
have come thru them alright in the past.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and it gets brighter the closer you get to it.
God bless and get well !

[mammo]

You're welcome Julie, and it sounds like you have a good plan.  I know you can do this! :)

[Julie359]

Thank-you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to say all that, you actually made me cry, not in a sad way but because i feel so touched by your words and advice.  You know i'm def gona try the rubber band therapy, that sounds genius actually.  I think i'm gona have to find a seriously strong one with all the twanging that i'll do, or im gona get through a truck load...lol  Plus you are 100% right in saying i need to put the books aside, and focus on a hobbie, all i do from the moment i open my eyes is worry, my mind is full of toxic/negative thoughts and they consume all my energy to the point that i don't have space for anything else.  

I'm going to make an appointment with my GP on Monday regarding the temp and blood, it was the ER doc that blew that off so my own doc may refer me for some tests, i'm not sure, but your right im not in any major pain or discomfort so it can't be life threatening.  

I'm sorry to hear about your friends son, i can imagine this is just pure and utter torture for both yourself and your friend, she is lucky to have you by her side in this terrible situation, friends can be life saver in so many ways and today i have to say you've been a friend to me and erm it's mean't the world.  Thank -you again and take care also.

[cj29]

Also, remember to focus on your long term progress and not short term stumbles.  We all go backwards sometimes when facing any challege.  I went years between episodes of anxiety and panic and was totally floored when it happened again.  You have the right attitude in seeking therapy and confronting it.  You know how to...just continue to work at it!

[mammo]

Hi Julie, I am so sorry that you have, and are enduring so much. Don't feel like a hypocrit for asking a question, you have been helping so many others on here while in pain yourself.  I have to agree that blood on your urine is not normal nor anxiety related.  I think I would see a Urologist about this. I truly don't want to worry you, but sometimes when we have anxiety it appears that the docs like to chalk everything up to being anxiety when it isn't.  One thing that helped me a lot was the "rubber band" therapy.  I had a couple of friends whose therapists had them using it and they swore by it.  You simply keep a rubber band on your wrist and as soon as you start to think negatively, worry, or feel anxious, snap it and snap it hard.  It has to, and will sting.  My therapist said the "sting" from snapping it stops your thought process and directs it to the fact that your wrist is hurting.  I thought it seemed a little hokie but I needed to do something.  At first I was snapping it so much I thought "well this isn't doing any good!"  But after about a week, I noticed I wasn't snapping it nearly as much and was feeling better.  I reached a point where I eventually just took it off, but have found that I often have to use it again to keep my mind redirected.  I also stopped reading about anxiety, thought I knew enough and directed my interest to other things, which wasn't easy but I just kept snapping the rubber band and kept going. My friend just lost her son, he was the same age as my son when we lost him.  It was so hard for me to go thru this with her, and found it affecting me for several days.  Not even thinking about the rubber band, I opened my desk drawer and there it was.  Again after several days I started to feel better and not dwell on it. It's not a cure-all but it does help, I still take medications. I truly understand Julie how you feel as it seems to never end. Don't continue to beat yourself up, you're doing your best and that is all you can do.  I do think it would help for you to stop reading about anxiety, read some good books that get yourwself thinking about other things, do crosswords, anything to occupy your mind.  A hobby is not enough unless it involves a lot of thinking about it.  I was once told to paint, of course the paint-by-numbers as I'm lucky to  be able to paint a wall. LOL But I tried this and it just added to my anxiety because on top on everything else I had to do this stupid painting everyday which required no thoughts and just added to my anxiety! You are so knowlegeable that I know there is little to tell you.  Address the blood in the urine, call your doctor and ask him to explain why he is not concerned and what he feels is causing it. Then just try accepting that you've done all the tests, nothing was found and just throw your hands up and say "okay, I'm done.  I am healthy and I am not going to allow this to control my any more.  I will keep my mind so full of other things that there will be no room for negative thoughts."  You've lived 18 years with this and you're still here which shows there could not be anything wrong.  Try to accept this, you're missing so much of your life, it's time to enjoy it.  I know this is easier said than done, but please keep trying, redireting your thoughts is imperative.  You're a valuable asset on the forums, but if need be, take a break,.  I know you want to help others and you do with your excellent advice, but it's time to think about you and getting you better.  Staying absorbed in this forum, and reading books can help, but also hinder your ability to get better.  Instead of going to bed, take a walk, this is what I do.  My husband calls it my therapy and any type of exercise helps with this.  I'm sorry I'm just rambling a bit, but I feel you deserve so much more than this **** anxiety!  Decide that you are going to put a period on the past and no longer be a victim of anyone's.  Stop looking back and keep looking forward and find your light. Remember that to the world you are but one person, to someone else you are the world.  Take care Julie.