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Avatar universal

WIND KNOCKED OUT OF ME!!!

Hi! I've been doing great with my anxiety. I really have, but I received some not so great news 3 days ago and now I feel like I am having trouble breathing...like anxiety, heaviness, sadness, desperation, and numbness is all around me. I am 40 and trying to have a baby. This will be my first. Got pregnant naturally, easily @ 38 without trying, but miscarried. Went through depression, and had a difficult time both phsically and emotionally bouncing back. This is when my anxiety began. I also had gallbladder surgery. So, here we are a year and a half since I miscarried and I feel fantastic in everyway possible!!! I went to see my reproductive endocrinologist to get some lab work done. My egg reserve is low.  My fsh is @ 16.7. This puts me in the severe catagory. Not good. Here are my options: 1) OI/IUI - 5% chance of working @$500-$1000 2) IVF w own eggs - 15-20% chance @ $10,00-$12,000 3) IVF w donor eggs - 75% chance @ $15,000-$20,000 4) FET/Frozen Embryo Transfer w donor embryo - 50-70% chance @ $4,000-$5,000. I AM DEVASTATED AND SHOCKED!!! I am going with option 1 as plan A. Then, option 4...even though it makes me so sad that my baby will not have my/our genetics. We don't have much $ so option 2 and 3 are out of the question. Since receiving this news, I have been feeling nauseous, weekness, fogginess, sadness, basically anxiety. I feel like "running away". I want to hide. I REALLY want to turn this mood around b/c I REALLY need to BELIEVE that this will happen for us. I do not want to spend another day feeling like this. I know I have all the tools to get back on track. I guess I am so SCARED that I won't be a mother. I am a nanny by profession and absoulutely love children. I don't know why it took me so long to get that "yearning" feeling to have children of my own. I feel like kicing myself. Can anyone offer any words of support? I just woke up and I want from this day forward to be GREAT!!! I feel in my bones that my baby is waiting for me!!! I don't know how I am going to get there, but I WILL. I HAVE TO!!! I see signs EVERYWHERE!!! Please...can anyone relate??? Please help...
3 Responses
1699033 tn?1514116733
I am so very sorry that you were given this kind of news.  It is things like this that set us anxious people back.  However, you have a great positive attitude and you were able to beat the anxiety before so I would fall back on the strategies that worked for you in the past.  The power of the mind is phenomenal and positive thinking leads to positive things.  

I am going to tell you an infertility story.  My sister, 9 years older than me, decided she was finally ready to have children; however, she found that her age was not conducive to having children of her own.  She asked me if I would be an egg donor for her.  Of course I said yes.  It was very complicated because I lived in the US and she lived overseas.  So the process was started here and finished over in Belgium.  I was 35 and she was 44 at the time.  Our schedules were coordinated and the eggs were retrived.  While I did produce 9 eggs, a  low amount, only 8 were viable.  In the end the IVF did not work.  Of course she was disappointed and I felt like a dud of a donor but we gave it a good try.  

In any event, she decided to adopt two children from a Russian orphanage.  They are siblings with the same mother and different fathers.  She now lives back in the states near me.  The family is so happy.  I look at those kids and I think of where they came from and how much they now have in their lives.  Who knows where they would be right now if she had not adopted them.  

So I guess what I'm getting at is give it the best try you can.  Everyone wants children of their own and  I am sorry that money has to come into play with something like this.  I think that your positive thinking can go a long way for you.  However, anxiety takes a toll on the body as you well know.  So I would first get your anxiety in check.  Then pick the best option(s) for you and give it a try.  But always remember, there are wonderful children out there in need of parents just like you.  

Keep up the positive attitude and I wish you the best.  
Avatar universal
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am feeling better. I cried for the last 2 days. I woke up this morning and said, "NO MORE". I am not really a church going gal, but I was today. I just went to sit and pray. Well, I walked in and was surrounded by babies. They all were getting baptized!!! I took this as a sign and believe me...I have been seeing them EVERYWHERE!!! We are going ahead with the OI/IUI. If not, then FET. I just want to be a mother. I have been working with children since 1998 as a teacher, tutor, nanny, and babysitter. I don't know why it took so long for the yearning to kick in to have my own children. But, that's where I am now. I don't think I have ever wanted anything more. Thank you for your response!!! I wish you and your family nothing but health and happiness!!!
1699033 tn?1514116733
You can never go wrong praying.  I prayed a lot during my last anxiety episode.  Take all of these positive signs and move forward.  I will keep you in my own prayers as well.  I would love to hear of your success!  
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