Hi. So to be honest, I'm a complete mess right now. I was engaged to someone, found out I was cheated on like halfway through the relationship. I was treated like crap throughout it all, very badly. Yet I still loved her. Eventually she ended the engagement because she couldn't give me the commitment I deserved. Since then she's come back to me like 3 times, I've taken her back everytime, and then she's ended it because she didn't want a relationship suddenly, and the last time it ended I was cheated on again, yet she was the one who ended it while I was willing to forgive her. I'm a good lookin, educated man, who everyone I've spoken with tells me I'm nuts for wanting to be with her still. And realize I've been getting toyed with throughout it all, and she doesn't care. Then suddenly has quit talking to me.
Sorry, just needed to give some background to this. I proposed to her, have never been as close to anyone in my life. And just being with her makes me feel like I'm in heaven, even after I've been lied to constantly and cheated on. And now, I really don't see us getting back together again and have had a very very hard time dealing with her suddenly not in my life anymore. I feel like the closest person who's ever been in my life has passed away (other than family of course).
I can't think straight. Every night its like I go to bed an hour later each night and am now probably not going to fall asleep til about noon. I am unemployed, have been getting interviews but have been turned down each time pretty much for the same reason of not having enough energy (my career is in marketing/sales). Its like she's been torturing me.. like every few weeks out of nowhere she says she misses me and wants to see me, I get all excited then all of a sudden she's unresponsive. I realize, I'm love with a person who probably has many issues. But I haven't been able to turn off my feelings, be mad, move on (because i have no money to meet anyone else right now). My mind keeps re-playing memories with her, if I said anything wrong, why she wants to be with me then doesn't.. back and forth. Its just been hell. Can't focus on anything but her.
Looking back, I tend to get way too close to people and have very strong emotions if I ever lose their friendship or have a breakup in a relationship. I know I'm a smart, capable person. But she's just driven me to complete depression, and anxiety. All I want to do is sleep, but can't. When I wake up, I have no clue what to do because she's not in my life. I'd rather just sleep all day and hope that one day I wake up and something good happens but I know things just don't happen like that.
I went to a doctor, just started taking xanax and wellbutrin sr. I know xanax is addicting but I'm hoping it and the wellbutrin can get me through these tough times and give me a boost to get my mind off of her and start focuzing on myself again and being happy and productive in life.
TO GET TO MY QUESTIONS -
What do you think I have? (Haven't made it to a psychiatrist yet). Could it be OCD? Since I can't focus on anything and can hardly ever without nicotine.. do I maybe have A.D.D as well? I obviously have depression and anxiety. I'm not afraid of people or anything but when first meeting people or talking on the phone I do get anxiety as well so maybe I have social anxiety too.
Also, what medications would you recommend? I've taken clonazepam in the past (very addicting as well), made me sleepy mostly. Citralopram has sexual side affects on me so I don't want that. I just don't know what's wrong with me and want to start living the way I know I'm capable of. And by the way, counseling/psychologists don't work for me because no one can get through to me usually, or sway my emotions, feelings and thoughts. I've always been the type to try and stay mentally strong and not go the route of medications.. but I'm at the point where I desperately need to, because I'm not a chemist and have no idea how the chemicals in my head are all interacting or what's going wrong in there. Didn't mean to write so much, but I had to let all this out and hope for some good feedback/suggestions! Thanks!